Discouraged? Ashamed? You need to hear these 5 words
I was twenty and terrified, standing unannounced on their porch on a hot July night. My legs froze and nausea filled me. I felt like every moment was never-ending, like I was eternally dying inside.
Before coming, I’d meticulously covered the long gashes on my thighs. I was there to tell the truth, but I still couldn’t bear the thought of that kind of exposure. At least they couldn’t see the cuts. Nobody ever did.
I walked in, sat down, and they immediately knew something was wrong. I swore my friends could hear my pounding heart.
Thankfully, their kids were long in bed. But I couldn’t dig my voice out of the hollow of my chest, couldn’t form words to ask for the help I desperately needed.
When you don’t know it’s depression
The year had grown harder, week-by-week and month-by-month. There were days I couldn’t scrape together the energy to get out of bed. I’d dropped most of my college classes spring term to avoid failing – I, the straight-A student to whom school came so easily. Anxiety made it impossible to eat, and I lost so much weight that people asked if I was anorexic.
I didn’t know it wasn’t my fault. I never entertained the thought this might be depression. I didn’t have words for the pain or know how to feel, process and be healthy. Instead, I wrote it in my skin like a dirty, terrifying secret. Nobody knew my secret, and I knew, without help, I couldn’t stop hurting myself.
So one July night with fresh wounds, I’d walked trembling into their house. I could barely voice the ugly words when they asked what was wrong. They were quiet for a few painful breaths, then told me to stay with them for a while. I knew they weren’t asking. Then, I heard words I didn’t know would change my life:
I’m not disappointed in you.
It rattled me. I was speechless.
I don’t think less of you.
How could this be? How?!?
I’m a near college drop-out, a youth leader with a nasty secret, and you’re not disappointed? But they were honest words, and though I was incredulous, they stuck to me. They resonated in my soul, the first words that moved beyond the shame I felt.
Those words changed me
Days later, I would write in wonder and come to a slow realization: if these are the honest words of peoples’ imperfect love, can anything ever make God disappointed in me? If love wasn’t conditional when I was most pathetic, could “nothing can separate you from the love of God” mean something real to me?
It took time for truth to work its way through my soul and for the darkness to lift. I needed help. I sat with counselors and tried things to help my brain and body chemistry work right. But those words were powerful. They stayed with me, shaped me, became part of me.
Eventually, I learned to let myself hurt in healthy ways, to understand depression and self-care and love. Grace and compassion from people (and a lot more from Jesus) made hope grow inside me. I learned to be happy and to rest. I learned dark days don’t last forever, and even if they did, I won’t be alone in the darkness.
Not just for me
I also learned those words of unconditional acceptance bore unintended fruit. They weren’t just for me. They were for countless more people living under the weight of shame.
I’ve become a magnet for stories like this. Somehow, we find each other, and people tell me where they’ve been, about dark places they’ve wandered and are wandering still. I hear about addictions, depression, abuse, and self-harm.
When confronted with another’s shame, I share these words when I can. I know what a balm they can be when you try so hard, but keep failing. I recall the tiniest hope I felt when I unwrapped the gift of those words. I wonder if I’d have made it without it, so I try to pay it forward.
I’m not disappointed.
I don’t think less of you.
You’re not a failure.
You’re still worth loving.
I shared those words with a young woman I love and admire. She’s a fighter and she’s brave, beating back the darkness over and over. But sometimes, she gets tired. I’ve had the privilege of walking with her through some of those moments of exhaustion, to learn from her courage and remind her of who she is.
In a season of strength and joy, she slipped me a note I’ve treasured ever since. She didn’t think I remembered the words I told her on a dark day: I’m not disappointed in you, the same words that changed my life.
She told me those words had made room for the rest of her story to come pouring out and healing to come pouring in. She just needed to hear she was still worthy, still loved, and not a disappointment.
I smiled and I wept as I read that note. My heart was so full to be a tiny part of another’s wholeness.
I don’t know your pain.
I don’t know your struggle.
I don’t know your story. And, much as I may love to, sometimes I can’t respond to every email and message I receive.
But if we talked over coffee, if you confessed the failure or shame you try so hard to overcome, I’d tell you I’m not disappointed. I don’t think less of you. And I’d pray you don’t hear my voice, but the voice of Jesus reshaping the shame into security. I’d hope the words rattle around inside until you truly know nothing can ever separate you from His love.
And if you’re doing well, I’d pray you carry these words and pay them forward to somebody with downcast eyes and the weight of regrets. We all, every one of us, need to know we’re not disappointments and failures. We all can use our words to cut through stigma and shame; they’re more powerful than we know.
We never know whose life we may change.
Have you ever struggled with feeling like a disappointment or with shame? What have been some healing words for you? Could your story bring hope and healing to others?
This story originally ran as a guest post on my friend Steve Austin’s blog.
So very proud of you.
A few months ago, one of the real-est friend ever asked me about a struggle of mine. She already knew the answer but gave me a chance to tell my story. Before I opened up, she said these words, “No matter your answer, I will not stop being your friend.”
There is so much freedom to open up when the only response we face is Love.
Those are about the best words you can hear from a friend. It’s crazy how we doubt that we’ll hear it, but I think people just don’t know how to say those words enough.
Such a well written article. Thank you for sharing your story. Being on the side of the consoler, we can think wrongfully that our actions of being there is enough to portray that we care and love them unconditionally. These words are so important and I thank you for helping me understand how I can care for others better.
Dear Sarah, you have such godly wisdom. I am so glad you are my daughter-in-law! You are the answer to my prayers for Micah.
Thank you for sharing yourself in these articles – by being real. My wife and I are saved and she has anxiety/depression for several years and we have come across many of faith that do not understand how someone can have salvation and have depression.
Your experience with people’s reactions to your struggles echoes many of her own.
I myself have had to grow a lot in my understanding since we got married a little over a year ago and this helps me to understand even more so again thank you and don’t give up!
Oh, Caleb, this is so encouraging. I’m so glad that it’s been helpful. Your willingness to learn and desire to understand says a lot about the supportive husband you want to be. Keep doing that. My husband is the same way and it has helped more than I could ever say.
How can a person clear themselves of the feelings of shame, guilt, self sabotage, & other mental health disorders from what was done to them & also done to another by themself?
I’ve never heard anyone say those words to me. I’m always feeling guilty and stupid for decisions I’ve made. Unfortunately, I’ve even prayed to God, beating myself up in my prayers. It feels like I’m always beating back darkness. I know it’s got to stop. Thanks for sharing your experience. It really gives me hope. Even though God may not always “work out all our problems”, it’s good to know He’s there with us in them, not judging, and teaching us mercy and compassion.
You know, I am absolutely shattered. More than once, people have actually tried to kill me.My husband tried to kill me,my best friend drugged me,I lost everything and everyone who matters to me. I battle mental illness, I cry and cry. My heart breaks daily. It doesn’t matter how hard I try ,or how hard I fight,I quit drinking, and tried to clean sin out of my life,I fight daily, daily to become a better person. I am nearly destitute, and now my finances are interrupted. I have never faced such evil people as I’m facing now. My reputation is ruined, I have nothing. I cry and cry,my heart aches,and I still try to be good. I don’t even know why God even made me. I don’t know what His point is. I don’t see any way through the horrific pain I suffer in my spirit. The horror of people I love so much turning on me. The darkness is so thick,the pain so overwhelming….I’m so devastated…I hurt.. I. Hurt…and I hurt….Why doesn’t God cut me a break?????
Have you looked to the suffering of Jesus?
Jesus suffered quite a bit and moreso to pay the penalty of your sins, so that you can live with Him in heaven imperfection in the fullness of joy with Him forever.
Matthew 27:46
[46]And about the ninth hour Jesus cried with a loud voice, saying, Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani? that is to say, My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?
Jesus was betrayed by Judas and He gave up all His earthly possessions
If your life on this Earth is tough or trying… you might wonder does God hate me
Jesus proved his love and love of God and yet Jesus promised: you will have tribulation
So God wants to give us His Spirit to be close to us, and to comfort us in these moments of fear and pain and Jesus binds up the brokenhearted
God wants to give you His love and strength through the Holy Spirit
…
If you only look at your circumstances, and your worth and value by things you have, other’s approval, other’s love, what do you have?
Jesus taught eternal life isn’t in earthly things.
You need to focus on the eternal promises and cry out to God so that you receive His love in His Holy Spirit!
Romans 14:17
[17]For the kingdom of God is not meat and drink; but righteousness, and peace, and joy in the Holy Ghost.
Ask God for His Holy Spirit in Christ !
So why did those bad things happen to you?
There is a devil, who came to steal, kill, and destroy.
You need a power greater to defeat the Devil in your life
…
This explains the devil and any angels are underneath and in subjection to the name of Jesus
Ephesians 1:20-22
[20]Which he wrought in Christ, when he raised him from the dead, and set him at his own right hand in the heavenly places,
[21]Far above all principality, and power, and might, and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this world, but also in that which is to come:
[22]And hath put all things under his feet, and gave him to be the head over all things to the church,
I’m just blown away..found some comfort in this and your words. And other ppls situations as sad as it is to say that lil ease come to me from other ppls times in hell. But I’m.still struggling. Would love to chat with you if you pls. Like I’m in hell, I created for myself.but also mental health issues and drug addiction issues too. Torn between two lives and images I’m.trying to.uphold. becoming someone I have always been adamant about neeve ever being in my life. And that’s fake. I’m about being real, honest, blunt so say…just open and pure with what comes out my.mouth…but now a days on this journey of self discovery, drug recovery and a whole.new.life. to discover…. everything has went to hell. And idk what more I should do…so.ppa chat with me.
I honestly Was going to hurt myself when My Family fell asleep tonight but Reading All That you wrote about Shame, and Not having to feel so ashamed and Dissapointed in ourselves all The time, let’s just say I know god directed me right to this. You are inspirational And I Know there will be others as well that will feel encouraged After reading this. Thank you you Literally saved my life.