Beautiful Between

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I love Jesus but I want to die: what you need to know about suicide

I was in California on a business trip, just yards from the beach, eating ice cream and laughing as the conversation drifted away from business. Eventually, somebody mentioned a friend-of-a-friend who had died by suicide.

The familiar ache and nausea filled my chest. My insides rattled when my coworker said he didn’t understand what would make someone feel like taking their life was the only option.

I swallowed hard and let out the breath I’d been holding. “I do.” For the first time in my life, I spoke up. “I completely get that. I’ve been there.”

My coworkers stared, jaws dangling in breathless shock. Finally, someone asked what it’s like to want to die. So I told them about the physical pain, the exhaustion, the heaviness. I told them it’s like dying of a terrible disease and wishing I could hurry it up, knowing things would only get worse.

The last two weeks have brought news of too many people wanting to die. Anthony Bourdain and Kate Spade ended their lives last week. Several of our friends’ kids have attempted suicide, shocking their church communities. Our hearts are breaking with those in such pain.

I remember my colleagues’ faces as my words sunk in. They had never heard what it’s like to be suicidal and they started to understand, at least a little. And I’m reminded how little the church knows about depression and suicide.

We are called to be the light of the world, a refuge for the broken and weary. But if we don’t understand the darkness people endure, it’s much less likely we’ll reach them in it. So here are some things every Christian should know about suicide and depression:

It’s not just mental and emotional.

The phrase “mental illness” makes it seem like it just exists in our thoughts. But it doesn’t. WebMD lists at least 12 physical symptoms of serious depression. Chronic pain develops or worsens. Chest pain, migraines, stomach problems, and a weakened immune system are some common symptoms.

There’s a bone-deep weariness that becomes a constant companion; no amount sleep or coffee can shake it off. When people say they can’t get out of bed because of depression, this is what they’re talking about.

That day at the beach, I told my coworkers about depression’s physicality. Every part of me ached from resisting gravity, as though my cells wanted to collapse in a puddle on the ground. My skin stung like lotion on a fresh sunburn and my throat hurt from the lump that lived in it. At one point, I was seriously underweight because I couldn’t force food down.

Suicide is not a selfish choice.

Sometimes people say suicide is the most selfish act you can commit. But for many battling the darkness, dying seems like the most selfless thing to do. Depression often carries an intense, shameful sense of self-hatred. In those pits, I believed I was toxic and harmful to those close to me. I was certain taking my own life would be a blessing to others.

It’s a familiar refrain. This mom thought her husband would find a beautiful new wife and mother for their baby. She knew he wouldn’t be burdened by her illness and her child would have a better mom. My good friend, Steve Austin, nearly died because he believed ending his life was best for his wife and infant son. Thankfully, he didn’t die. He spent some time in a psych ward, got on meds, and found support he’d never found in the church.

We might not be sad.

Depression isn’t sadness, as this article explains. It’s much more complex: emptiness, flatness, irritation, or a strange numbness. Many people who seek help for depression only report physical symptoms because they don’t feel sad.

For me, I first notice it as brain fog. The world seems to move in slow motion, but I still can’t keep up. All I want is sleep, not just because depression is exhausting, but because sleep is an escape.

It’s not because we don’t pray or read our Bibles.

In 2013, a Lifeway Research study found that nearly 50% of evangelicals believe that prayer and Bible study alone can conquer serious mental illness. Unfortunately, this mistaken belief prevents people from seeking the help they need.

I know this firsthand. No matter how many times I recited verses, asked for healing, and did all the other things I was supposed to do, I still had an illness. I wasn’t miraculously healed.

Of course, our God is powerful and able to heal in an instant. And sometimes, mild depression naturally goes into remission, like cancer, which may reinforce the dangerous idea that seeking medical help signifies lack of faith. Christians need to know prayer and reading hope-filled verses are important parts of a holistic self-care plan.

But they aren’t enough. It wasn’t until I started taking medication and seeing a licensed therapist (pastors don’t receive adequate training to counsel people with depression or suicidal thoughts) weekly that the darkness lifted and my chest stopped aching.

And I’m just as grateful God chooses to work through little pills and skilled professionals as if he waved a magic wand and healed me instantly. He is still the ultimate source of healing and still glorified by working through people.

People serving God wholeheartedly struggle, too.

The lie that those walking closely with God don’t ever have suicidal thoughts or other mental health issues is dangerous because it wrongly casts these issues as sin.

If we believe depression and dark thoughts are sinful, we’re more likely to feel ashamed and expect God to deal sternly with us. But the truth is he’s good and gracious, not waiting to punish us for our struggles.

Depression and suicidal thoughts don’t care about how spiritual we are. I’m sure plenty of devout believers and faithful leaders wish it did. I do.

I was in ministry – serving, preaching, leading worship, going on mission trips, leading Bible studies – but still wanting to die. Still hurting. Still hopeless.

I mentioned Steve earlier. He was a youth pastor when he tried to die. He knew what the Bible said and how to pray. He was well aware of all the “right” answers and appropriate spiritual statements. They just left him more ashamed because the stigma of being a pastor with these issues was too great.

Depression and suicide are on the rise nationwide. We can’t assume that those we love and look up to aren’t fighting the darkness.

We can’t “choose joy” or “stop thinking about it.”

Sometimes Christians tell us to “choose joy” or focus on somebody other than ourselves. There is some truth to this: caring for others and learning to cultivate joy are important parts of a healthy life.

But when death seems like the only way out of an internal torture chamber, those things don’t work. What’s worse, they become a way to mask pain. That’s how I could be involved in several ministries and wear a big smile while I wished for death.

Saying things like, “I’m so sorry you’re hurting,” and spending time with people struggling is much more effective than telling them to choose joy. It allows them to be honest, which might wind up saving a life.

Not sure what to say to someone struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts? Or are you dealing with depression and wish someone knew how to help? Click here for a free, 2-page guide to talking to struggling loved ones.

Suicidal thoughts are intrusive.

They show up, whether we want them or not, like a horror movie playing constantly in our heads. We watch our demise over and over. Sometimes, it’s terrifying. Other times, it seems like sweet relief.

Several years ago, I was part of an incredible church in Atlanta. I co-directed a non-profit and served in the youth ministry; students looked up to me and came to me for wisdom. Nobody knew how much I struggled. They never knew about the horror movie in my mind.

One tough Sunday, I stood alongside my students in worship, doing everything I could to turn my eyes upon Jesus. I told him I love him and would praise him anyway, even if I always felt like that. But when I closed my eyes, all I could see was an image of my body, swinging from the rafters.

I didn’t tell anyone.

We know we’re not supposed to have these thoughts, so we don’t tell.

We know they are not healthy and normal thoughts. We are well aware that they are uncomfortable and frightening for people to talk about. So we fight to suppress them, telling ourselves not to think such hideous thoughts. If we’ve been in treatment for a while, we might be able to recognize that those thoughts belong to the disease. We might be able to recognize them as lies.

But we might not.

 

We might believe God has forsaken us because we’re so bad.

The disease lies. When healing doesn’t come, it’s easy to believe that God has left. And if we’ve been taught that depression and suicidal thoughts are sinful, selfish, or displeasing to God, we may believe he’s right in abandoning us.

This is why we need to treat depression and suicide with the same compassion we treat other serious health issues. Kindness and encouragement from other believers are rich and powerful; they prove the presence of God and demonstrate his unshakeable love.

You can wholeheartedly love Jesus and be depressed.

If you’re struggling, you need to know your life can be set apart to his purpose and filled with opportunities to serve and bless others. You may still struggle. Sometimes, you might want to die, but you are no less beloved, worthy, or faithful because of the dark thoughts. And, though you may not believe it, it’s still possible to live a full, joyful life in the midst of depression.

It will require hard work and lots of support from trained professionals. It will probably require therapy, digging into painful stuff, and maybe medication. But you can still have abundant life; I know because I do.

I have to take my meds every day, spend time with Jesus in the morning, and go to therapy faithfully. I tell those closest to me when I have hard days and dark thoughts because I am determined they will not win. And a few years into my journey, I still struggle. But my life is beautiful and I’m happy.

You can be, too. But please, invest in yourself. Take care of yourself. Here are a few steps to take:

  1. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text with someone at the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741. Program these numbers into your phone so you have support 24/7.
  2. Make an appointment with your doctor. If you don’t have insurance or can’t afford the appointment, most cities have free or reduced-cost clinics that offer mental health services.
  3. Find somebody to talk to. You are not a burden to them. You are precious and important and this world is better because you’re drawing breath in it.

It’s easier to save a life than you think.

Earlier, I mentioned believing my death would be a blessing to others. But I’m still here because one friend noticed something was wrong and did something about it.

Angela invited me to dinner, took me along to pick blackberries with her kids, and constantly reminded me how important I was to her family. She told me she loved me, it wasn’t my fault I was broken, and God didn’t like that I was hurting. She was simply present in my pain.

On a hot July night, when I was tired of fighting to stay alive, I showed up on her doorstep because I knew it was safe. And her family walked with me through the dark.

When I needed Immanuel, God With Us, she carried him into my life. She helped me believe I was loved and my life mattered.

So often, all it takes to save a life is being Jesus to us – being present, being loving, and being light. Christ is “in you, the hope of glory” (Col. 1:27). You don’t need answers or to be able to fix it. You just need to be present, perhaps help set the doctor’s appointment or just listen. Just be aware of those hurting. Just be kind.

Depressed and suicidal people just need you to enter the dark and sit there with us, your love unchanged. You could be his arms to hold us, his hands to feed us, his voice to tell us we’re not alone. Your love and kindness are more powerful than you know.

Depression and suicide are serious issues, and my heart breaks with those of you facing them.

If you need to talk or you know somebody struggling, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or text with someone at the Crisis Text Line by texting HOME to 741741.

 

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About Sarah

Hi, I'm Sarah. I love coffee, pancakes and street tacos. I'm a learner, a traveler and a creative mess. I've got a thing for redemption and seeing broken people living beautiful lives. That's the story I've lived, and the one I want for you. Let's be friends!

421 Replies

  1. Deborah

    Thanks Sarah for sharing from you heart and your life experience. I have lived your story and sought to put words to it, so you did it beautifully. This is especially important for the Christian community, who have often been the harshest critics. Blessing ngs

    1. I hate that you know what this feels like, Deborah. Thank you for reading and for the kind words ❤️

      1. I also know how this feels, I am Bipolar and can remember being told my Faith was not strong enough for healing. When they ask you if you are alright and then tell you how to deal with a depression that is chemical,unfixable. Then when I am bipolar down and also emotionally depressed I do not really want to be here. The Church has failed

        1. I’m so sorry, Andrew. Please know that there are many Christians who are compassionate and want to learn and understand mental health issues. You aren’t alone.

          1. I have depression and ptsd and want to die; I don’t like mental health doctors and their pills made me feel worse. I did relent and take an anti-depressant for physical pain but it makes me want to die more -Just like the ads say. Thankfully I don’t know the depths of depression and sunshine and laughter are big parts of my life but I have told all my friends I want to die because only death will free me; like; I am old-65- so I have had a good long life along with the pain and wretchedness.I told my doctor recently that my life ended a long time ago; when he asked why I would say that I told him I am in the “going through the motions part of my life” When I used the word suicide they took me to a crisis unit and stashed me in a room overnight. Next day I knew I had to tell them all was well in order to get released. Real big time help! When I die I will be free and will see Jesus and I tell myself I am only a heartbeat away from Heaven; and; I ride a bicycle and that is a really good way to commit suicide in itself. I am an alcoholic and smoke as well and that all pushes me towards the “end”. I do take vitamins and eat a vegetarian diet so in that sense I am hurting myself by prolonging my life. I do believe that all teens and people in their 20’s need to be stopped from suicide but that doesn’t apply to me. 7 people I know died from suicide; a consequence of my living so long and seeing them all die and I feel sad for all of them. Hope they are all at peace in Heaven; I just want to escape this body I feel trapped in. What the bleep is so wrong with that?- Don Emmal

          2. Shauntell

            It really seems like i am.

          3. Frank Maritano

            I’m tired of life. I’m not suicidal, I’m too much the coward for that. But after reading many of the posts here I say to myself “look at what these people have”… So, someone please tell me what I have to live for? I’m 56, disabled from serious car accident on duty. I was found unfit for duty – career gone. I was in the armed forces reserve, and was discharged from that because of the accident. 80% of my formal education I paid for myself. I’m in chronic pain and can’t get anything decent for that because of the trumped up “Opiate crisis”. I’m alone in this crappy world. If I died tonight like I want to, no one would notice for some time (maybe after the mailbox is stuffed with no more room. I’m relatively poor, living on $ 900 a month. Can’t find a girl friend. In 2001I was granted sole custody of my daughter who was kidnapped by her mother and I blew all my retirement contributions $40,000 to try to get her back. I never did, and she was raised to hate me. My real friends have all died. I don’t feel welcome in the church, and I won’t go there with people who give you the sign of peace on Sunday and tell you to go to hell on Monday. I am to the point where I almost hate God, Jesus… I’ve never felt his love, and was mistreated (not sexually) at the hands of priests and nuns. I’ve even come to despise my two cats. And I don’t look for any happiness in heaven. I’ve yelled, cursed, and screamed at God, Jesus… and they don’t care. I’d trade heaven and go to Oblivion for some true happiness and joy for what ever years I have left. And to those who would say ” God loves you, read the Bible” my reply is “how do I know any of that is real?” I can write a book to the effect that I’m the King of Prussia, but that doesn’t make it so.

          4. Georgina Alarcon

            Please help I can’t take it anymore. I feel like such a failure I just want to die

          5. Joe Whitelaw

            Really. Where. They are no where but in their own little world and clicks. I want to go Home. I’m all alone and no one cares no matter how much I ask for help I’m ignored or flat out told no. I love my Christian family but I dont trust anyone any more and Father and I haven’t spoken for a while. I hurt all the time and feel like an orphan!

        2. Elena

          Andrew, I have seen first hand what getting off your meds can do… I lost a fellow Bro in Christ to suicide because he was Bipolar and got off his meds because he was going through a divorce and felt DONE…also, I have come to realize that your faith shouldn’t be in the CHURCH But in God Himself…. God Doesn’t create anything that doesn’t have a Purpose. You Have a purpose… Just find what that is…please don’t give up. Phillipians 4:13 is my go to verse… Maybe it can be yours too.

          1. Haseeba kuleal

            How can I don’t like that

        3. Lourdes Fernandez

          That’s one of the things that bothers me the most. Being told that if I really believed in God, I wouldn’t suffer from depression or think about suicide. It’s infuriating. One has nothing to do with the other.

          1. April

            That is so very true❗️

        4. Ralph

          I wish I were bipolar. At least then there would be some up times.

          1. Tutter

            Never thought of that….I wonder how that would be?

          2. Rorn

            Ralph- I used to say that (“I’d give my eye-teeth for a high. Just one.”) for the last 20 years, but then in the midst of a black, agonizing depression my “up” came as this horrific, scary, noisy mess that got me publically, physically carried from my church by the police, who also mocked my faith and physically abused me (no threats or violence on my part, no crime, no charges, pastor was just “worried” about me cuz I was acting weird), ended my career, destroyed my marriage and my family, saw me (uselessly, involuntarily) hospitalized four times over the next 5 months, and ultimately left me homeless. Now I find myself in the blackest puddle in the deepest hole I’ve been in since my last serious suicide attempt 11 years ago. So, my esteemed colleague, please don’t feel all that left out. The ride was horrific and the fall may end in my death.

          3. Patricia Satterfield

            You really don’t. It’s the worst,

          4. Chris Rogers

            There is no up. You’re just depressed always and then manically depressed often there is never extreme happiness. I have manic bipolar depression.

        5. Diana Eaton

          Andrew the church is a group of people who sometimes don’t understand. God does understand and loves you. I have dealt with bouts of depression for 54 years, The people in church are in need of healing in some form also. Please put your faith in God he formed you in your mother’s womb and knows you better than anyone.

        6. Had enough

          I could endure my depression if I had an otherwise ok life but I have unbearable real life situations that make me want to die just so the pain will stop. It’s more actual horrible things with no reachable solutions than mental illness. Terrible things have been destroying my life for the past 34 years. I wondered if it is God punishing me but I have been so over punished for whatever small sins I’ve done, plus I was punished as a child before I’d ever done anything wrong at all. I don’t understand why God chose me for a life of suffering. I just want it to end.

          1. Beth

            I relate with much of what you shared. I have lived with crippling anxiety and depression for over 30 years, but it is the multitude of losses that have accumulated in every area of my life that largely keep me where I am mentally — almost terrified, at times, of continuing to hope for any kind of future, restoration, or any semblance of healing. I have had a personal relationship with Jesus most of my life, but the anxiety & depression have affected my cognition and memory and my ability to forge ahead with ongoing determination as I have for so many years. I no longer see the silver lining in my trials and losses. I no longer glean the lessons. My spirit has been shattered, and I feel beyond my Abba’s grasp. There is no greater hell than this. I don’t understand why He has allowed this. I cry out to Him to heal me, if only for His glory, so that my life may be a testimony to His faithfulness and mercy — a testimony to His promises…. What purpose will my life have served towards His kingdom when I finally reach the point of no return??? Father God, please forgive my frailty and redeem my and my brothers’ & sisters’ stories so that You may be glorified! 🙏🏻😭

          2. Sherry

            I know the feeling all to well feel like im being punished for something but not quite sure what. Last 3 years life has been more down hill than up. All i can think about is feelung no more hurt no more pain just want t to be numb tired an exhausted from feelung like this. No end in sight fir me.please someone help for my thoughts scare me

          3. Anonymous

            Dear Had enough. I’m so sorry your hurting because I want to die right at this very moment… Everyone I love left me and I’ve prayed to God for years to please take my depression away… But everything you just said I could’ve written myself I’m sorry

          4. Joe Whitelaw

            Really. Where. They are no where but in their own little world and clicks. I want to go Home. I’m all alone and no one cares no matter how much I ask for help I’m ignored or flat out told no. I love my Christian family but I dont trust anyone any more and Father and I haven’t spoken for a while. I hurt all the time and feel like an orphan!

          5. So broken

            This is exactly how I feel. It’s never going to end I will never know what it feels like to be happy ever again

        7. Anonymous

          I’m homesick for heaven

          1. Desiree'

            I am homesick for Heaven as well. I’m afraid if I commit suicide I won’t make it into those pearly gates and will go to hell. Anyone’s thoughts on this?

          2. Anonymous

            Same! I’ve asked Him to please just let me come home and be with You. Be safe. Be loved. That’s not His will. Not yet. My depression isn’t His will either. Though many times it feels that way. The depression isn’t His fault. It isn’t ours. There is something soooo special about us though. We tend to have bigger hearts and show more compassion and love…why? Because we know pain all too well and don’t want anyone having to feel what we feel and how we feel. We’re also tough. Resilient. Every day. Sometimes multiple times a day. We are absolutely incredible human beings!!!!! 😊😊😊🙌🙌🙌

            I’m balling in bed. Lots this week…this month…this year. Im 37 had this my whole life. I want to say this year has been a tough one. But so were many many other years, if not all. Have I had one year without a bad bout of depression? I honestly can’t recall one.

            Currently…I’ve stopped crying. Though I honestly thought I was going to fall asleep balling and ready article after article searching for answers. But this one have me hope. Today just got a little better…shit, a lot better considering I am no longer balling. ☺ We’re gonna be ok. We will always be ok. 💖💖💖

        8. Aaron

          Ian not sure the church has failed but my faith,I need a surgery that’s 50/50 to survey and the pain is terrible.

      2. Earl

        Thank you for your inspiration. I am in a depressed state and attempted suicide only to be stopped by the lord above . Not my time he said ..

        1. Brad

          The church is getting better when it comes to addressing mental health issues BUT often still says all the wrong things or says nothing at all. I struggle with Biopolar 2. Still those well intentioned people who say we just need more faith or we need to listen to more worship music… they’re clueless.

          1. Anonymous

            The church has not failed to help people with mental illness’s. People are also not clueless about saying Listen to worship music, having more faith, or even reading your bible those things can help!! You believe what you wanna believe but these things are soo true!

        2. Karmen

          I do not think suicide sends you to hell. The Bible is clear it is rejecting Christ that separates us from God.

          1. Sister

            I for one will not take that chance. Cause once you’re on the other side, there’s no changing that decision.
            Think about all of the pain the family members and friends experience when a loved one takes their life.
            The best thing to do is to tell someone you’re suffering, and to seek help. Suicide is never the answer.

          2. Sterling

            Do you really think so? I really hope that is right

          3. Anonymous

            Amen!!!

          4. Keith

            If God really loves us and we accept Christ why would he send us to hell?-he knows we’ve been pushed past the point where we can’t bear this hell any longer;and our mind is going.
            If God send people to hell simply for taking their lives,he wouldn’t be the essence of love,he’d be cruel and sadistic.

          5. andy

            your illness has nothing to do with god , . he is a creator in creating to what he feels is the most perfect world possible. if you want all to be perfect and to live in the story of eden you will no longer be human but a puppet of god. god gave us a choice. heaven. the messiah are parables of hope. i study the old testament know, the new to me got to much super stition, jesus in my opinion never healed the blind, he chewed herbs and with some water let it flow into people who looked blind from severe conjunctivitis, or he healed people who refused to see truth as trump needs as our rain forest in brazil is burning down in the biggest rain forest fire ever, we have no way to put it out, we did it and we will. pat and the scum, pres sighned out of lowering co2 gasses, he is a madman, Hiler was just a killer of a people he hated , trump just ordained himself chosen by god as king david himself, all who vote for him will go to hell, and i dont give a heck of rep or dem, i dont want a sicl sob as a pres.

      3. Diane

        I have been there and you have expressed so eloquently the deep feelings that reign in this disease. Thank you and I hope many people, especially those in ministry, will read your story. Thank you.

      4. Wow, you just nailed it , in so many ways word for word . I think hurting people dealing with this really don’t think others are dealing the same as you. Every word you Dr robed I can relate to and do many times wanted to say to people. By the grace of God i too have people snd able to talk with Hod but still have dark days . Thank you , thank you , thank you Sarah I pray this helps do msnybno All because I believe we all have dealt with darkness and depression of some sort .
        Bernice

        1. Keith

          That is exactly how I feel now.I feel as if all the people who loved me have died,and I have nobody left. My parents died in their late 80s in 2014& 2015 respectively.A very dear friend,a retired bishop who had brought me to faith and helped me to integrate my faith and sexuality,died in 2011.He had been my spiritual mentor-he was my voice when I couldn’t speak,my rock.Not ‘s partner more like a grandfather.I found out that in January 2018,an ex I really lover, Simon Kaye,had taken his own life.I’ve also lost several much loved chinchillas.
          I really want to go home.I’ve no career.I can’t hold a job or a career in politics due to borderline personality disorder.I’ve lost most of my inheritance through a bad investment -or rather dishonest execs in ‘s company.
          I remember the fictitious words of Aaron Jastrow in Hermann Wouk”s ‘War and Remembrance’:-
          “I’ve not become any braver,but I just realise there are things worse than pain, worse than dying”.
          This world isn’t my home.I don’t know who I am since my parents died.
          I pray and fast,over my finances,my love life (just been dumped by a partner in an 18 month long distance relationship).,over myentail health.Nothing changes and my life still feels like a curse where everything I touch just falls to pieces,not the life and life abundant Jesus promised.
          If nothing changes circumstantially I don’t think it will be much longer before I go home.

          1. Lourdes

            Keith, grief counselors are there for a reason. I can feel your pain and desperation in your writing. Find a grief counselor and ask your doctor for help as well. That’s how I have improved. I’m not cured. But I am so much better. Grief over several family deaths in one year, worsened the mild depression I already had. If I had seen a grief counselor, I would not be where I am today. I never would have become suicidal like you are now. PLEASE, make an appointment to see someone. You know your parents and your friend the bishop would not want you to die before your time. Fight to stay alive and live a better life.

          2. Keith

            Lourdes
            Thanks for commenting.I’ve already had two sessions of grief counselling-the maximum you get is 7 sessions here in the UK-not sure about the USA.
            I’ve been on anti depressants for years,and my psychiatrist doesn’t think there is any point changing them again-having tried most of them.I’ve also had XBT, Psychoanalytic therapy,etc ..none of which really helped.
            It’s not just the grief,it’s the depression/anxiety/anger,and the default position of everything I try failing,or going wrong.
            5 years after the death of my mother though, I miss them both much more niw-and the pain is much worse than it was for the first 2 years after their death.

          3. Anonymous

            Please don’t give up Keith!!!! I feel the exact same way. I do. My eyes are swollen from all the crying. I want to quit bad this year. Tonight was bad…how I ended up here reading this article, by a wonderful woman who shared her story and her hope, and I commend her greatly. This was so well written and with such heart…I have hope now in this moment, when I couldn’t find any just moments ago. Don’t give up!!!!!!! It doesn’t last!!!!! 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

          4. Keith

            If God really loves us and we accept Christ why would he send us to hell?-he knows we’ve been pushed past the point where we can’t bear this hell any longer;and our mind is going.
            If God send people to hell simply for taking their lives,he wouldn’t be the essence of love,he’d be cruel and sadistic.

      5. Sarah, it seems like comments are closed, so I am posting here: Thank you for a courageous post that is so important. May the Lord give you great grace.

      6. Lisa

        I lost my husband to suicide 15 years ago. It never goes away. My daughter was 11 at the time. We are both forever altered. I worry about her and myself. It is like he had a torch that he passed on to us and now we carry it. I feel many of those things described in this article but would never intentionally do anything about it because I know what happens to those left behind. If you survive it, it is truly a life sentence. Anyone who is considering suicide…please don’t ever think your loved ones will be better off. It is a lie.

      7. I was 11 when I tried to hang my self because my cousin passed away and that the only thing ever on my mind

      8. Lindsay Shelton

        Thanks for writing this. Always helps to know I’m not alone. Going through it bad right now. Lost, depressed, the thoughts I shouldn’t be having over and over again.

      9. jeanmckellan

        hi sarah just seen your post on cfs christians with chronic fatigue page im on,, ive had this from 1990 ,n mostly housboundn my dr thought it was all came out in my body due to my family history long story, but i,ll tell you the suicide stuff there were 9of us ,bro alex age 32 shot himself through the head in front of wife n baby ,1973 , my hubby john out shoplifting n got caught taken up in a lift so jumped out the window 40feet up cause of death, fall from a height ,no mention of suicide ,, age 30, my mother took overdose of heart tablets digoxin ,age 63 ,, my oldest bro murdered by his wife ,,,age 76 she wasnt charged as he had beat her up,, so i wonder how my mood isnt great at times ,but thank god he loves me xxxx

        1. Hi Jean,
          I’m so sorry you’ve been through so much heartbreak in your family and life. It’s such a tough place to be, especially experiencing chronic illness on top of all of that. Please take good care of yourself. If that means counseling or therapy or medication, you are worth it.

          1. Karmen

            You penned my thoughts. Mine is due to loneliness, it is deadly!!!

      10. Keith

        Thanks for that Sarah,it resonates so much with how I very often feel inside-I often pleaded with God to just end my life rather than go through the trauma and agony of this earthly hell we endure.My life seems pointless and meaningless.I feel dead and empty inside most of the time.I can’t feel anything but anger (which has got worse),and a desire to die.
        I’ve tried every anti depressant and mood stabiliser in the book,to no avail.I’ve also tried CBT and other therapies,again with no success.The anti depressant, Sertraline stops the deadness inside turning into black painful despair. I guess it numbs me.One Christian said he thought I had a “spirit of pharmacia”,which wasn’t helpful.
        I’ve has nothing but unceasing bad luck,failing at everything I’ve tried,and been sacked from job’s within 8 weeks.My parents died in 2014 and 2015,left me a house which I sold and invested the proceeds,which now show a 70% paper loss.This is utterly destroying me;but I’m trusting in God to restore it,a process which is slowly occurring.
        God is the only thing I cling on to.My parents are dead,no family,only 3 good friends.That’s why I yearn to be dead and in heaven with my parents, dearly loved deceased friends,and my dearly loved chinchillas which passed away.

        1. Keith

          To be honest, it’s only the love of my beautiful chinchillas, that stops me from doing it.

          1. Why was I born?

            Keith, you & a few others here sound the way I feel, but I can’t even take care of a pet rat.
            She died from eating nasal spray off the floor I was too depressed to clean up!
            (‘One more effing piece of sh*t to deal wit!’)

            Well, I paid for that.
            There is one Christian friend in my life that makes me realize God still loves me.
            But due to chronic pain, I’m housebound, want to die every day, and honestly feel like I failed God after trying so hard, even doing missionary work, I’m now useless, in pain,
            & “sin” every day by taking pain medication I can’t live without.
            I couldn’t talk a person out of suicide again to save my life.
            I know too many painless ways to do it right.

            I also have sensitivity to most food, so I’m starving and malnourished.
            One day, I promise you, I heard God say He was not going to heal me,
            Or at least that’s what I believe I heard. and all of my dr apts havef failed, natural or pharmaceutical.

            Family and friend’s suicide, so many that I stay off social media so I don’t lead some poor innocent person who doesn’t know better astray.
            Fear of hell is the main reason I’m alive, & when I read the Bible, I’m constantly reminded that people who don’t bear fruit are just going there anyway, so why was I born?
            I was stupid enough to ask my mother that, who is also sick;
            20 yrs older, but not on meds, still believes, & starving as well.
            Wow, that’s what I have to look forward to?
            I still thank God I’m not homeless!
            I don’t know how much longer I can deal either, or where all the people who killed themselves, that I loved are, EITHER.
            I have to believe that somehow, God is more merciful than the Bible says, or nobody’s going to make it.

        2. Keith

          I’ve now reached what I call the endgame in my life,where I really feel the temptation to kill myself is becoming too much to resist.
          Despite all my prayers and entreaties to God,and the prayers of others,things have become unbelievably and intolerably worse.Money is running out all the time, (only £18 left in the bank niw),and I’ve been defrauded out of £100,000 by an oil company that told lies and conned investors.This is agonisingly painful.It’s the inheritance my parents left for me and I can’t bear the guilt,humiliation and feeling of failure that plagues me All my plans for the future have been destroyed.I cant now go smf see my boyfriend in the Philippines,who has nothing.
          They tell me that getting it sorted by lawyers could take years.Directors of companies can get away with things that any ordinary person would be jailed for.
          It’s very hard for me to pray and medirate now as I’ve had so so many prayers gone unanswered .A month ago I actually stood up and walked out of a service in a pentecostal church because I simply couldn’t feel or recognise all the songs about God being “glorious and praise him”.I felt like a hypocrite and couldn’t stay, because I just couldn’t see the goodness of God in my life.
          I honestly can’t take any more.

      11. i too am one of gods broken adults,i was a bad person younger in life,treated everyone i came in contact with like crap, i quit alcohol 15 years ago ,a hint of the depression but not as bad as these last 6 months have been,the bandaids off and the bad feelings escape,i hate myself,job,certain people,i am 59 years old and just wish i could die,or not wake up tomarow , i have been to my doctor,the veterans admin.,another pain doctors ,seminars ,you name it ,the thoughts and feelings do not subside,i am lost,sad,ashamed,want to die thanks

      12. Laura D. Fugoso

        I can relate to this situation. I had a hard time forgiving myself for ever thinking of taking my life. I tried reading verses that would uplift me but after a few hours the darkness would start to shatter again my new found peace. Its really hard. Thank you that i read your story. I hope by God’s grace ill be totally free of my depression

        1. Lourdes

          Laura, are you seeking treatment for your depression? Being suicidal is not a sin, it’s part of an illness. You need to seek treatment to get better.

      13. Margaret Grayson

        Please pray for me

        1. Lourdes

          What’s wrong, Margaret? Please go to the nearest Emergency Room if you’re not well.

    2. Kirsten

      I second that response. Well said on both your parts. Thank you.

      1. Kirsten

        My response was to Deborah’s comment above but it posted elsewhere. Just to be clear.

    3. D

      Wow. Honestly, I stopped reading after it said that suicide is not a selfish choice, that is is the most selfless thing you can do.

      Someone that is in that place is a victim going through a horrible time (I’ve been there), so I’m not trying to downplay that, but our choices affect others. Suicide affects others around them and cannot be called self-less by any reasonable definition.

      1. Terry McGregor

        What I got from that section was that the person thinks what they are doing is better for those around them, not that it is. A person in the despair of depression are in such pain they are not thinking clearly.

        1. Ryan

          Precisely! Thank you Terry. That is the misguided thought process on both sides; on one side it’s self-less and we’re doing our loved ones a favor because we are unlovable, or angry, or for whatever reason, feel they would be better off without us.

          On the other side of that is the condemnation for being selfish, inadequate in our faith, or not intentional with our thoughts.

          I kept reading because it was spot on. I have personally been told all of these things by wife (the one person in my life who should be safe) which just shows that just doesn’t care. I say doesn’t care as opposed to doesn’t understand because she used to work in an inpatient psychiatric facility so she has seen even crazier than I.

          1. Theophilus

            Wow, Ryan, that is exactly what my wife said to me some years ago after I returned from overseas operations, “That’s selfish!” My wife is a nurse and told me that, and since that time I’ve never shared another thought with her on the subject.

            I’m writing because I happened to be online and am in another deep spiraling major depression. I’ve held the pistol to me head before, and know how close it’s been to doing it. For people who don’t know what it’s like, it’s hard to explain the gigantic mental maelstrom in which one “exists” when life is so bleak. It’s not sadness… it’s so much much blacker than that. And the thoughts of suicide are constant. I am so tired of the continual everyday nightmares of combat, the physical pains and just the fatigue of age (over 65). Life isn’t what it once was and it’s passed me by.

            What’s really tough, is that for all the “Christian compassion” supposedly in the body of Christ, there seems to be so little in some marriages, and in some churches. Most of my closer friends are dead and gone. I ask myself, “what’s the point”…just git ‘er done, and move on to the next stage. But…I can only hope that this terrible feeling will once again pass. Every time though, it seems as if it gets nearer and more likely.

        2. Karmen

          Agree! I think the people that believe it is selfish may have never considered suicide. They do not understand so of course it feels like a selfish choice.

      2. Tazman324

        D, you say you stopped reading, but your response indicates you weren’t really reading to begin with. She did not say suicide is the most selfless thing you can do. What she said was “for many battling the darkness, dying seems like the most selfless thing to do”. This is from the perspective of the suicidal person, not the opinion of the author. And yes, suicide does affect others, but if you’re suffering so immensely, that the only solution left is to do something as awful as end your own life, if your pain is that terrible, but “others” expect you to endure that pain cause of how it will affect them, who is the one who is actually being selfish?

        1. Why was I born?

          Thank you. That’s why I don’t blame the ones I love who left; I know what it’s like to feel “guilted” to stay in this “fallen world” that we’re supposed to believe we’re going through all this “to become better!”
          Well guess what, at this point, as wrong as I may be, I admit I wish I didn’t “become” at all!

      3. Rorn

        Your key word being “reasonable.” Nobody said anything about reasonable definitions. In the mind’s torture chamber that is depression, with all the brain’s “optical illusion” that come with this diabolical condition there is often no light to see by and frequently “reason” is completely shut out. In fact, a preachy comment about how selfish an act it is can tighten the noose even harder (hopefully only figuratively). Sarah was talking about what it SEEMS like from inside the torture chamber. It seems like I would be releasing my loved ones from my own cursed, toxic, dead-weight existence. I wish you had finished this excellent article before rushing to post the same, old worn, preachy, stereotypical party line that we’ve all heard our entire lives, just the type of rigid and almost willful lack of understanding this article was trying to dispel — or at least soften a bit. Please go back and read more carefully — you sound like one of the exact churchy people Sarah was hoping to reach to kindle a wee bit of compassion for those who suffer.

    4. April

      Thank you for writing this!! I’m a licensed professional counselor working at a Christian counseling company…. and I’ve also struggled with depression (and suicidal ideation) since I was 19. So this topic is doubly important to me— for my clients AND myself!!

      1. Karmen

        The only response I get from my christian counselor about being so depressed due to loneliness that I want to check out is if “I believed how much the Lord loves me, He would be enough” I then feel guilty that I am not walking in Christ very well.

        1. Benjamin Hirt

          I hate when they put the onus on the believer. Telling us our faith is too weak. They can come with me. I have plenty of open space for my trip. Assholes are most welcome to precede me.

          You need a new therapist. Or quit therapy like I did because of this type of abuse.

        2. Hi Karmen,

          If this is what your Christian counselor is telling you, it’s time to find a new therapist. I am very serious about this – it sounds like this person is not adequately equipped to deal with mental health issues. In fact, it is actually legal for anybody to call themselves a “Biblical Counselor” or “Pastoral Counselor” without having any formal licensure or oversight. I went to a similar counselor before I realized that she was not a true mental health professional.

          It is far more important to see a well-trained therapist who understands mental illness than it is to go to somebody with the Christian label. I had to go to 4 therapists and counselors before I found a good one, but working with well-trained therapists changed everything for me. Check out psychologytoday.com/us/therapists to find real professionals in your area.

          1. Elizabeth Anne

            Therapy is such a confusing issue for Christians. On the one hand, I can absolutely see the benefit that training in mental health offers, but on the other hand, a mature and wise believer who has the Holy Spirit of God residing in them would have the benefit of the Creator of the person coming to them for help giving them insight into that person and their situation.

          2. I hear you! My ideal is to work with licensed and trained professionals who are also followers of Christ.

            However, all of us, even mature and wise believers filter everything we hear from God through our experiences, prejudices, and limited perspectives. And someone can be very mature and wise in their faith, but still harbor stigma and false ideas about mental health.

            One of the first “counselors” I saw was a lovely woman who loved the Lord deeply. She wasn’t a licensed therapist, but was well-respected, co-pastored a church with her husband, and prayed with me for the Holy Spirit’s insight every time we met. It was a terribly damaging experience for me because she didn’t know anything about treating depression, anxiety, or PTSD.

            It’s important to recognize that mental health issues, especially suicidal thoughts, have medical and psychological components that laypeople simply cannot treat. When I’m sick, it is far more important that my doctors be well-trained and determined to take good care of me than that they are Christians.

            If I reduce mental illness to a spiritual or character issue, sticking with wise Christian counsel seems to make a lot of sense. But if I recognize the medical and psychological issues, it’s clear God has blessed us with professionals who are much better equipped to help us get well <3

          3. Elizabeth Anne

            Sarah, I do see your point. My history with counselors has been interesting…the secular counselor I saw first was very sympathetic to my situation, which was extremely validating, but she wasn’t really able to help me much. The second one was a believer with great insight and she was very helpful. The third was also a believer with great insight but she was so unsympathetic that it was hurtful…all she wanted to do was tell me what I should be doing. I know sympathy is not ultimately what I need, but I think a good balance is helpful, because it’s kindness to come alongside someone who is suffering and feel that with them for a little while at least, and it means the world to me.

          4. Why was I born?

            Thank you, wonderful Sarah, so much, and God bless you!! ♡

        3. Why was I born?

          LoL, OMG. She shouldn’t be a counselor at all! WTF.

    5. Anonymous

      You’re a beautiful soul Sarah. God bless you.

    6. Anonymous

      For me killing myself is God’s option and mine

    7. Katia Antonova

      You are amazing. Thank you so much, friend 🙂

    8. Sue M

      Thank you Sarah!

    9. Susan

      Yes I agree with your coments. It is horrible to have to a cheerful countinense when you are seriously depresseda person has to continue hiding what is wrong or you will lose that friend.
      You cannot put on the smile always. The cloud can live with you through out your life.

    10. Mitch

      I am alone. I told my mother that i called the sucide hotline and she yelled that i would go to hell and ignored it like nothing has happened. So, i go on alone… I don’t what i will do try to move forward.

      1. Lourdes

        Mitch, I am so sorry to hear you’re going through this alone. My mother can be just as difficult. The first thing you’re going to do is get yourself the the ER. That’s what saved my life. You’re going to listen to the doctors and follow through on your treatment. You’re going to live because we love you and need you here. Your story isn’t finished yet. There is no shame in seeking treatment or asking for help. In the contrary. Let the doctors speak to her. Maybe that’ll help. I beg you to please go to the ER. 🙏🙏🙏❤️

      2. Why was I born?

        Hi Mitch, I am so sorry that happened to you! When a parent says something that hurtful, (at least for me), regardless of the cause/state s/he’s in,
        I shut down completely, vowing to never speak to them again.

        It can make telling anyone else anything impossibly harder, which sucks, because isolation is “death drawn-out.”
        (“If my own mother doesn’t give a rip/is that judgmental, what are the odds any1 else will!?’-my head reasons.
        I moved forward 1 mm at a time, in tears, fear, rage & prayed. It took a LONG TIME and 2much pain to disclose here, but we’re actually speaking, & she’s trying to help.
        Who knew?
        I pray your mom comes around, your relationship is restored, and you don’t let what she said be a nail in your coffin.

    11. Margaret

      Please pray for me….I fight not wanting to live everyday

      1. Why was I born?

        Hi Mitch, I am so sorry that happened to you! When a parent says something that hurtful, (at least to me), regardless of their mental state,
        I shut down completely, vowing to never speak to them or anyone again.

        It can make telling anyone else anything impossibly harder, which sucks, because isolation is “death drawn-out.”
        (“If my own mother doesn’t give a rip/is that judgmental, what are the odds any1 else will!?’-my head reasons.
        I moved forward 1 mm at a time, in tears, fear, rage & prayed. It took a LONG TIME and 2much pain to disclose here, but we’re actually speaking, & my parents are trying to help.
        Who knew?
        I pray your mother sees your light, your relationships are restored, and you don’t let what she said be a nail in your coffin.

    12. Ron

      I have lived alone in Texas for years for work. My wife visits, but can’t stay! I have found women that comfort me, but still feel alone.

      I don’t care that you say I am unfaithful to my wife, this is about preserving my own life. I WANT to die!! I am tired!! Went BACK to work at 67 because I could not handle all the bitching about MONEY. I don’t care about money!

      I want LOVE, and money does not give me love. It is all I want!!! God loves me , and I Him, but I need to feel skin against mine. A voice that says you are a good man. I don’t need people to tell me to FIND Jesus. I found Jesus and GOD years ago!! Both give me their peace. I hear and speak with GOD.

      I want to BE with Him and not be here with Y’all

    13. Anonymous

      Weakness is your culture. Ask a cop for help, you and all your sheep culture

    14. Anonymous

      I am ready! I failed last week no clue how not this time peace love but I cant deal with this good bye

    15. Paul

      Fuck God. The idiot is a figment of your imagination anyway. Prolonged extreme suffering will enlighten you on that score. Until you have been completely maddened by pain you will never see through this God illusion.

  2. Jocelyn Simmons

    Sarah, this is excruciating for a parent to read. My heart is breaking and rejoicing at the same time. I praise Jesus that he has given you those special people to be there for you. I am so proud of your courage, not only to share your personal pain, but to be bold enough to tell the Church and all who will hear, of this horror you and so many have and are suffering. (I think I need you to edit that sentence).
    I love you beyond measure and will share in hopes that it will be taken as serious as it is.

    Your shaken and grateful Madre.

    1. I adore you, Madre ❤️ thank you so much

      1. Anonymous

        Yes thank you this article is so on point for the people me included who suffer from depression.as a Christian for over thirty years now.I struggle to understand these dark thoughts myself.for me I just want God to rescue me take me from this world so I don’t have to deal with this mental pain.but I know he lets me go on in my affliction for a reason.even so my hope is in God amen.

      2. Margaret

        Please pray for me….I fight to stay alive everyday

        1. Jason T

          Absolutely Margaret. God is with you. You are not alone

    2. Barb DeVries

      With you, Madre!

  3. This is an amazing post, Sarah. I get it, too. I’m so sharing this on FaceBook. This is probably the most important post people will read all year, and you articulated it the best I’ve ever read.

    1. Thank you so much, Dave. I’m so grateful to know you!

  4. Stephanie Hutchison

    Thank you for your beautiful article. It has the power to help many. I wish every church leader would read this.

    1. Thank you, Stephanie. I agree: I wish I could share these realities with every church leader. I think that’s why it’s so important for us to share our stories ❤️

      1. Jamie

        I don’t know you but thank you.

        I want every church leader; every Christian to read this too. It has helped me to understand what a friend is going through.

        It’s encouraging to think maybe kindness and love is enough. It’s easy to feel so helpless…thanks for reminding us that love really can make a difference.

        I haven’t been through what you have been through but I’ve had a share of tough times and I feel like I’ve been approached in a similar manner (by some people, others are amazing, gracious, kind and understanding)…I hope they read this; to understand you sometimes can just snap yourself out of sadness.

        People can be ignorant…but your honesty and powerful testimony is the start of understanding.

        You are a wonderful, articulate person Sarah….

        Thank you for your honesty. I think it will save and help many.

      2. Karmen

        Thankyou for being so transparent!!! I too struggle everyday with those thoughts due to loneliness.

  5. I read and shared on FB. I can not tell you how many conversations that this has brought up in friends lives who are sharing their stories now because of your well-written thoughts. You have literally put into words what so many people in my life have been feeling and didn’t have the strength to say. Thank you for this.

    1. I’m so grateful to to hear this, Shelly. Thank you for sharing and for having those important conversations ❤️

      1. Kathy

        It is harder to admit depression than people know. God does stop my immediate problems I know I can be depressed but mine comes and goes. I usually reach out to others who have it bad and I pray to find something to do to help me cope.

  6. Sarah – I echo all the comments above. Shared on both blogs and I hope any comments also come here. One already has – and here is another:

    “Absolutely. We don’t tell someone who was shot in the foot to simply pray about it, but we do for mental health. Great post. Thank you.”

    1. And another: “Wow, I love this post. I’m sharing it with my wife. Thank you!”

  7. John

    Not a Christian anymore, but so much of what you wrote rings so true. Particularly the line about suicide being selfish. I’ve attempted suicide twice (unsuccesfully, obviously) and while there was a sense of anticipation for me for the impending freedom from suffering, the much larger consideration in my mind was that I would be doing my parents, my kids, my ex-wife, my animals – the whole world basically – a huge favor by removing myself from existence. I would recommend people who want to help others who struggle with depression and suicide learn about a little-known clinical diagnosis known as suicide addiction. Many people who are long time sufferers of depression have it. It is not full time obsession with wanting to die, but it is looked at by those who suffer from it as a card to play whenever they need to. Just like someone who brings an umbrella in case it rains, a suicide addict views suicide in the same way. It is a comforting thought to them to know they have an ‘out’ if and when the time comes that they can no longer cope. I have been diagnosed with this – it’s always in the back of my mind. ALWAYS.

    1. Chris Simpson

      I’ll be praying for you, John, and your post saddens me so!! Please don’t blame God for what Christians may handle wrongly; we are NEVER perfect, only sinners saved by grace!! But GOD is perfect, He does understand, and He loves you more than any human can come close to doing!!! If you were the only person on this earth, He would have sent Jesus to die & shed His perfect blood for your sin and Jesus would have gladly done it!!! Jesus promises to never leave nor forsake all those that put their trust in Him, & ONLY Him, no works, for forgiveness & salvation; what a deal: don’t pass it up!!!

      1. Great answer Chris, thank you!

    2. John, I have just added a comment above and seen yours and then Chris’ reply.

      Your comment explained something I have never understood, thank you. Of those who return to “suicide” (and some very odd and botched attempts) repeatedly. They were people very close to me. And with never understanding why (until reading your words) I did get frustrated at “all my time an energy” seemingly a waste of time.

      As an addiction – that makes perfect sense! And addictions are something I know and understand! I think we all do. And you have added something very precious, for me, to Sarah’s post. WOW!

      As for being a Christian or not – I am not so sure God Jesus intended for us to achieve perfection of being “Christian”. Seems to me the story of Jesus is mainly about showing the perfect “Chosen People” it is not about perfection, it is about love without any conditions at all. And that means for all and from all – without reason or objective.

      I hope you have those around you to nudge you out of addiction – as we all need to do that ((hugs))

    3. Thanks for sharing the term: suicide addict. It helps in understanding.

  8. Sue

    Sarah, What would happen in your sessions with the therapist that was so uniquely helpful?

    1. Yes. What was helpful in the sessions, digging painful past, that worked?

      1. Great question. There are several things that are incredibly helpful. Normalizing my struggles helped to destigmatize depression and suicidal thoughts. It made me feel not crazy. Listening without judgment and helping me see things from different angles is incredible. I know I can be completely unfiltered without any negative repercussions. And, finally, there are certain therapeutic techniques and processes that have been really helpful for me. In particular, EMDR led to several breakthroughs for me, although YMMV

        1. Sheila McGrath

          Sarah, can you please explain “EMDR” and “YMMV”? I’m not familiar with them. Thank you.

          1. Michelle

            Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing, a technique to deal with painful thoughts and memories. And Your Mileage May Vary.

          2. Joann

            Yes me too I have been dealing with ptsd since I was 4 and then 6-12 I was sexually abused
            Not family
            I blocked it out until I was 44 happy engaged but this time he was too goid to be true and it triggered my self sabotaging ptsd
            He is not my fiancé now
            I list sleep for fear of nightmares that were memories
            My sisters exclude me
            I teach for 24 yrs special education and gas to go on fmla sick leave ran out of sick days and lost half my salary last year
            Sold my home when I moved in with fiancé and gs e my full y furnished home away oractiscau
            I’ve trued inpatient outpatient t but I don’t do drigs or alcohol I stil found what I found from it
            Then I go to what I think is a healing place for ptsd survivors is childhood sexual abuse and it’s a rehab and I was never so scared cockroaches no phone strip searched barely ate s d with criminals drug addicts
            Returned to work homeless lol
            Found place finally and I’m scraping by I can’t sfford to take time off and I can’t osy all my bills so I teach and once agIn block out my life

  9. Beautifully written. Great suggestions for those around us. ♥

  10. Pamela Sloan

    My 28 year old daughter committed suicide 18 months ago leaving behind an 8 month old daughter and loving husband. She loved God. She could not beat the depression even with counseling and medication. She felt her family would be better off without her. She was a good person. She made bags for the homeless and kept them in her car. She donated her hair to cancer patients. She took care of stray animals. She was looking in to foster care. She attended church regularly. Again- she loved God
    But now all I hear is “people who commit suicide go straight to hell”. People dont realize how painful this can be. My mind is in constant turmoil over this. After all, only God can judge.

    1. That’s heartbreaking, Pamela. I’m so sorry. Here’s what I know about God: he doesn’t abandon his children when they’re most broken. He doesn’t withdraw grace from those who love him. He is faithful to his word, and it says he is near to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. I do not believe your daughter is in hell.

      That teaching is not based in any scriptural truth, but in fear-driven tradition. Your daughter did not commit a crime. She died of a terrible disease, and I believe anyone who says differently is not speaking from the heart of God. ❤️

      1. Margsret

        I agree. I do not believe that those who commit suicide goes to hell. If you confess with your mouth and believe that Jesus Christ died for your sins you shall live. I believe Christ looks at the heart and he knows that person that commits suicide is not thinking clear when they commit suicide

      2. Anonymous

        Thank you so much for this interesting and touching read!! I’m sure you have helped many!!

      3. Ginger

        Thank you Sarah! Pamela, I lost my 20yr old son by suicide 5yrs ago. Immediately God showed me through varies situations that my son was with Him. I know without a shadow of doubt he is with Jesus! I have a deep personal relationship with Jesus… and have had many “religious church, salvation earning people” say to me and my other children that our loved one is in hell. I looked up scripture, and in the whole Big light of who God is… I know that i know that when we accept Jesus as our savior there is nothing that can take that away. We are always & forever His! We don’t have to earn or prove anything to earn our salvation or be loved by Him. We are saved because He loves us and demonstrated it through His son on the cross & His resurrection. Thats the proof that our loved ones were accepted with open arms by their Creator!!! My son loved Jesus, however the world & depression distorted his view of who he was in Christ. When a person is struggling they are not in their right minds, no clarity. I refuse to let the enemy get any credit for what happened! God will restore what the enemy thinks he took. God promised to make beauty out of ashes. His word is the light & truth, and nothing can take its place. Truth always wins! Im a forever all the time warrior XO

      4. Anonymous

        Thank you Sarah for an answer that so many people agonize over!

      5. Karmen

        Amen!!! The Bible teaches that rejecting Christ is what separates us from Him. If suicide sent a Christian to hell then so would all other sins. he died for our sins. Not condoning sin but we all sin as believers.

        1. I think it’s important that this be an encouragement for those who have lost loved ones to suicide, not a reason or permission to end our lives.

          Frankly, not being willing to take the chance of being separated from the God I love kept me holding on long enough to get the help I needed and to make some big changes that transformed my mental health. I’m grateful for that, because now, even though I have dark days and still struggle, I always know how to connect with hope and peace. And that IS possible for everyone.

    2. Jane

      No loving parent should ever imagine their depression tortured child would not be welcomed into the arms of our loving God with total mercy and loving care. Pamela, we hold you with that care as you join the growing community of parents who have lost a child….

      1. Linda

        Pamela so sorry for your immense earthly heartbreak! As Sarah so beautifully and lovingly shares, there is clearly not scriptural truth for a Child of God who received Jesus free gift of salvation, to later be separated from the love of Jesus. Not for any reason ever. Romans 8:32-39 Praise the Lord! Hugs and prayers for Jesus sweet peace and comfort for you that’s far surpassing our worldly understanding.

    3. “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord” Romans 8:38-39 Hang on to this God given word, may His peace settle over your heart.

      1. Karmen

        Amen!! I believe those who have never thought about suicide easily claim as a Christian you would go to hell. No one has ever shown me a scripture.

    4. After my nephew and friend committed suicide, I heard this all to often as well. People have no idea just how hurtful those words are and how much I had to struggle with that concept. Thankfully, therapy and our local minister have helped me better understand that, that is simply not true. There’s no where in the bible that it says that.

      I love the words already shared here, but definitely talking with people that have gone through what you have or speaking with a caring and understanding minister can help, too.

      1. Oops, I should have put this in it’s own thread. Feel free to delete – I’ll repost in its own thread.

    5. After my nephew and friend committed suicide, I heard this all to often as well. People have no idea just how hurtful those words are and how much I had to struggle with that concept. Thankfully, therapy and our local minister have helped me better understand that, that is simply not true. There’s no where in the bible that it says that.

      I love the words already shared here, but definitely talking with people that have gone through what you have or speaking with a caring and understanding minister can help, too.

    6. Donna

      Heart breaking Pamela! I pray you can find peace and I do believe your daughter is resting in her Fathers arms.

    7. Sandra

      I am so sorry you have lost your daughter. No matter how you lost her, if she was a Christian, she is with God. God does not kick us out of His family because we are sick or injured … because we broke our arm, or had a heart attack, etc. Neither does He kick someone “out” because of depression and/or suicide, also a sickness. A person who commits suicide, for whatever reason, is injured. He/she is not in a normal, healthy state. God understands that, loving us still. And I believe He is heartbroken when a suicide succeeds, shedding tears along with us. I pray for comfort for you and your family, pray that you truly feel God’s arms around you as you walk through your grief.

    8. Brenda Pridgen

      Thank you for sharing this. My 24 yr old grandson committed suicide 13 months ago. We didn’t know he was suffering. He didn’t tell anyone. We suffer now just knowing he suffered then.

    9. Lana Talley

      One of the most comforting truths I have read was from Billy Graham. He believed those hurting so badly as to kill themselves DO NOT go to hell. I believe that also! Jesus took her hand when she had to let go. Your daughter is in heaven.

    10. Rob

      God forgave all our sins before we were born. All of them, first and last.

    11. joanne frey

      God is love… He does not doom people to hell by category… He sees the suffering of those in depression and loves them… not condemning… we need to be the same… your daughter was and is loved by Him!

  11. Dianne

    This article is as if I wrote it myself. Hits everything I am feeling and going through. Thank you for sharing this so I can relate.

    1. Kristy

      Dianne, I pray that Sarahs story brings you comfort in knowing that you are not alone! I also hope that like Sarah you have a special friend or safe place you can turn to when your suicidal thoughts arise! Remember you are loved and God does have a purpose for your life!

  12. Loretta

    Thank you. I lost a brother to suicide 22 months ago. We had no idea of any issues beforehand. No explanation, no reason, no knowledge he was struggling. Lots of trying to make sense of it all, searching scripture to understand whether a Christian can go to heaven after an act of Suicide (I rest assured on Romans 8:38-39!!!)

    Thank you for helping me to understand more of what someone might be struggling with.

    Praying for you as you share so much with others. You are a blessing to many.

  13. Ginger

    Sarah, you’ve put exactly how I’ve felt into words. I too suffer from depression and realize now after going through treatment that there are instances that it reared it head when I was younger. I was in my thirties when it hit me full blown! I also felt that everyone would be better without me. I knew I needed help and by the Grace of God found it. Thank you so much for sharing.

  14. Amy

    I’m in tears. Very relatable. Thank you for your words Sarah

  15. Larry

    Sarah, thank you for this courageous act of love to yourself and others. It gives a clear pathway to demonstrate empathy, compassion, and love to others and ourselves, when experiencing depression. You are in my prayers.

  16. tricia moffat mira

    My beautiful 18 yr. old daughter ended her life in 2010. I did not see the signs of depression. She did have frequent headaches, sleep late & miss school; then she didn’t want to go out & see her friends. I know she pushed herself and hid her depression from family & friends. She did mention suicide to a few friends, but they didn’t think she was serious. She left behind a 2 yr. diary, which told of her ups & downs. She hoped God would take her to heaven. She though she was bipolar. I am still devastated & heart broken. Thank you for sharing what it is like to live with depression. May God continue to reveal His love for you & give you the words to help others live with afflictions like depression. I realize now Christians suffer and life is not an easy journey. God is my strength, peace, shelter, deliverer, & hope. I understand the battle we fight in our minds to hold onto the truth & cast down lies from Satan. May He strengthen you and give you peace.

  17. Rock Conner

    Thanks for writing & sharing this. Most of us who struggle with wanting to kill ourselves hide if from all. I’m among the worst. I’m pretty open with my therapist, but no one else. Your courage is inspiring.

  18. Laura

    Thank you so much Sarah. Thank you for speaking words that I wish I could speak, but just can’t ever find. I actually just sent this article to my Pastor. He’s a wonderful Godly man who wants to love and support anyone who is hurting in any way. My best friend committed suicide just less than two months ago. He had struggled for years. He had shared. We had helped. He was receiving many types of help willingly. Medication, therapies, etc. He promised he would never do it….and he did it. I understand how he felt. I understand why he did it. I’ve been there many times in my life. And I’m broken by it. What has always stopped me is my children. I couldn’t bear them thinking I abandoned them. I will keep moving forward, even though it is so hard. I believe that we have to believe the truth of God, even when we don’t feel it. I just pray that someday I will finally feel it too.

    1. Anonymous

      As I read your comment, I have a glimpse of your great courage and love! You may not realize it but it’s evident. You are giving and loving and selfless in choosing life for your children, where your desire, at times, is completely opposite. Your family is blessed!

    2. Anonymous

      I am also a mother and have struggled with depression, anxiety and PTSD for decades. I had one suicide attempt years ago. It’s my children that keep me alive because I can’t bear the thought of them suffering the loss of their mom. I recently started Neurofeedback as a promising therapy. I take my meds as prescribed too.

  19. None

    Thank you for the post. I have suffered with depression since I was 19 when my youngest brother who was 7 yrs older then myself committed suicide in the front yard. That was the hardest thing to that day I ever had to deal with. Then some 20 something years later my oldest brother took his life 20 days after my mother had past away. Then if all that wasn’t hard enough my nephew also committed suicide he was the son of my oldest brother. Now I have nobody left to talk to or confide in or even just call when things are to much as they have been I can’t handle life anymore and I get hard fand I have also tried it and unfortunately someone came over and found me. I will try again I’m positive about that it is something I think about everyday. I got two fur babies and they alone are the reason why I’m still here due to I worry about them and what will happen to them if I’m not here. I cant bear them going to a pound but they are big dogs and people are afraid of the breed so my babies keep me here for now but it is getting harder everyday staying for them.
    I’m sorry for taking up ur time and space but I lost faith when my first brother killed himself in the front yard.

    I don’t have anything positive or inspiring to add but I know oh to well how everyone on here feels and how hard it is to fight back from this darkness

    1. Jim

      None: I’m so sorry that you have had so many family members commit suicide. I can’t imagine the pain you have to live with each day. Having said that, I want you to know that I am glad someone found you and prevented you from dying. You may feel lonely and insignificant, but I am commenting from Austria currently after finding this article on Facebook shared by a friend who lives in Mississippi. Your comment about your dogs put a smile on my face and lifted my spirits. So you are having an impact on someone on the other side of the world who also struggles with depression. I want you to know that there is a God who loves you and wants you to come back to him. He wants you to cast your burdens unto Him. I know that you have no one to confide in, so I encourage you to seek out a counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist who would be glad to listen to you. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Keep fighting.

    2. Liz

      Praying for you. I pray the Lord will send someone to show you just how special and important you are. He loves you so much.

    3. Laura

      I am so sorry for all the loss you have experienced! My son died 7 1/2 years ago because he had Duchenne muscular dystrophy. He was 23 years old. That void has made living hard. He had a service dog named Hampton that became my comfort dog after Josh died. He lived 5 more years and then died almost 2 years ago. It was like losing part of Josh all over again. That being said the important thing is have you asked Jesus to forgive your sins and be your Savior. If not you need to do that immediately. If you die without a relationship with Him you will go to Hell. Once you accept Him you will find Him a source of comfort and peace. One thing that keeps me going is that Jesus offers a crown for keeping the faith and living for Him until He decides it is time for us to go Home. I can then lay it at His feet in thanks for all he has done. It is God’s decision when we die, not ours! I also want more than anything to hear “Well done, My good and faithful servant. Enter into your rest.” I pray that you will choose not to take your own life. God and Jesus love you. Ask them to guide you to find ways to help others. Having a purpose will help you find reasons to keep living. I say this as a person who is very “Homesick!” Know there are others who want you to live and know that dogs grieve when they lose a loved one. Hampton grieved a long time after Josh died. Read the book of John about 3/4 of the way through the Bible. It will help you better understand how loved you are by Jesus Himself!

  20. Anonymous

    1 to 2 weeks before I’m about to start my period I feel a dark cloud of all kinds of emotions come over me. I feel like I’m a failure, I don’t amount to anything, I wish I was never born, want to die etc etc etc. Is that just a normal PMS thing?

    1. wmcrae

      Yes, it can be part of PMS – our hormones definitely affect our mental state (male or female). If yours are causing this level of distress though, you may want to talk to a naturopath or someone who knows alternate medicines. There are some things that can help. *I’m NOT selling here, but I personally use doterra’s Clary Calm oil blend, put on the skin over the ovaries every day, for female problems – endometriosis in my case, but I’ve had wicked PMS like you’re describing as well.* So there are some things out there that can help – each person is different and finding what works for you may take some experimenting. Guaranteed though, you don’t need to suffer with it like that.

    2. This doesn’t sound like a part of normal PMS. It could be something like PMDD (a more severe and crippling form of PMS) or even depression that worsens around your period. Please talk to your doctor about this! There is help available and you shouldn’t have to deal with this every month!

      1. I struggled with awful mood swings every month for a very long time. I thought it was some kind of hormonal imbalance. I tried everything; herbal supplements, antidepressants for the last week of my cycle, diet changes, yoga…. nothing worked. Until I began to realise that my hormones weren’t CAUSING this… they were SHOWING me my pain. The hormones bring into focus any wounds we still carry and give us a chance to heal our pain. It is not easy – I spent so long feeling so angry at myself for being so “weak”, “sad” and “emotionally incontinent”. But then I did something radical and quite counter-intuitive. I decided to love myself *because* I was sad – not despite…because. I welcomed it all. Not one part of me was unacceptable. All of me is lovable – even the parts I thought were completely unlovable. And one day, my period just arrived… I wasn’t expecting it at all because there had been no negative feelings at all preceding it – and it happened again the next month, and the next and the next and I can now say confidently that PMDD is no longer part of my life. I trained further (on top of my psychology degree) as a Rapid Transformational Therapist and now I help women free themselves from these wounds using a blend of hypnotherapy and psychology that is incredibly effective. If you are suffering, please feel free to contact me – I have helped many to free themselves from emotional pain and it is my life’s work and my purpose to free many more, one heart at a time. The pain you feel isn’t because of what happened to you – that is in the past now – it is what belief you developed (likely as a child) that you still carry in your subconscious mind that is hurting you to this very day – and in my experience, that belief is always along the lines of “I am not good enough”. http://www.facebook.com/rttcopenhagen

    3. Laura

      Hormones really can effect our emotions and desires. I would talk to your doctor about medicine to stabilize your emotions.

    4. Nicole

      Yes, definitely. Right after ovulation (generally about 14 days after your period started), women have a hormone shift, as the estrogen slows down and the progesterone increases. Then, a similar shift occurs a few days before our period starts. Higher progesterone makes me irritable, overwhelmed, sad, and have migraines. Every month. Please talk to a doctor–an OBGYN or a hormone specialist. The two things that helped me the most were charting my symptoms so I knew what was happening (using the method from the book: Taking Charge of Your Fertility) and now using an estrogen patch for 1 week of the month. It is changing my life.

    5. Anonymous

      I had the same thing. Extreme mood swings before my period. My Dr gave me a extreme strong dose of vitamin B6 and Vit B 12. Over time it made a huge difference, in that I no longer had such a mood swing. The vitamins I took were Shiff PMS. It also had a balance of other vitamins in it but the B6 or B12 was a really high amount.

    6. Nicole

      So I have had these issues off and on as well, if this is every month please go to the doctor. It sounds like PMDD from what you are describing. There is a lady in who had a hysterectomy https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-43242003 and reported that all of it went away (hopefully the doctor can help you find a solution that won’t require that). What I have done personally is as follows:
      + From notes I have kept, I can trace that what I eat has an impact on my moods as well. Working on eating better and have noticed a change.
      + About a year ago, I read one women’s blog who said she had switched to cloth pads instead of disposable and she claimed a lot of the issues she faced during her PMS went away. So I switched to cloth (which are really gross to clean), but I feel better during my period.
      + Recently I have read that there are a lot of studies pointing to a lack of magnesium in our diets that can end up impacting our emotional states. So I have started taking magnesium.
      + Sometimes I can’t sleep during my period and the end result is that my emotions get harder to control. I hate sleep aids as they make me feel groggy, but I took melatonin during one of my periods recently and even though I felt groggy the next morning I was a lot nicer person.
      + I don’t know if you are a Christian. If you are, I have found that worshiping (even though I don’t feel like it) is really, really, really good. I have had points where if feels hard to praise and for the first 30 mins (or so) even feels like I am lying, but pushing through has resulted in really sweet times with God.
      This is what I have found helps me. It might not be the same for you, I want you to know you aren’t alone .

  21. Jan Allen

    I have struggled with depression my entire life. It worsened three years so when my husband o forty years passed away. I am on meds, go to counseling, have great friends and am active in my church . I am presently weighted down by health issues. Each day is a struggle. I know l will never act because l love my grandkids too much to hurt them this way, but it is hard to go on.

    1. Traci

      I understand how you feel. I also struggle with health issues and depression. Some days are a true struggle. I have also thought about suicide, but my love for my grandchildren has been stronger. So I’m like you, I can’t do it. Jan, I will pray for you. I’m sorry for the loss of your husband. I can’t imagine that kind of pain.

  22. I recently lost a nephew and close friend to suicide, within 6 months of each other. I have never understood more closely in my life the words you share here. Those words are exactly what have helped me in therapy and trying to heal through this. I so wish people understood this more, because it makes it so hard and difficult to talk about with people that don’t understand, but I don’t blame them, just 6 months ago, I was unknowing too.

    Thank goodness for good counselors, listening ears, and shoulders to lean on.

  23. After my nephew and friend committed suicide, I heard this all to often as well. People have no idea just how hurtful those words are and how much I had to struggle with that concept. Thankfully, therapy and our local minister have helped me better understand that, that is simply not true. There’s no where in the bible that it says that.

    I love the words already shared here, but definitely talking with people that have gone through what you have or speaking with a caring and understanding minister can help, too.

  24. Anonymous

    Thank you Sarah for posting this ! I have been going thru self loathing an misery lately , long story short, my life changed in just a few months for the better health wise but not mentally I miss my coworkers an being a work from home mom now has it’s great points but bad for other reasons, most days I cannot make myself get out of bed an I just go thru the motions I keep telling my family I’m miserable but all they say is you should be happy ! Hello no I’m not I have gained 60+pounds an can’t wear none of my clothes just simply existing in this hell! I know first hand about suicide my dad killed him self when I was 12 I know how bad it hurts the kids left behind but there are times I have a terrible times staying safe and sound ! I just want to feel better an normal again

    1. Liz

      Have you had your thyroid checked? It can cause most of the symptoms you are having.

  25. Jeff

    This is how i have explained it and it’s hard for many to understand. I didn’t just hit rock bottom after my wife decided to break Gods covenant of staying married untill death and being there during the hard times. I went below rock bottom. Im just now digging up to the top and actually have had a solid month. We have been apart four years niw and have 4 kids, one i adopted as she was already pregnant when we met. I had a breakdown of some kind as she might have been cheating. Anyway, i asked her and the church she attended (long story) and asked her to ask her church group to help as i was lost. Well, neither one supported me. This was about 2 years before she divorced me. She treated me like i was not a man and started to distance herself from me. That only got me angry and bitter. I still carry that but thank God it’s not near as bad as it was. My parents took me in. I pray a lot. Only when i have my kids do i feel like doing anything. If i dont have them and im not working my pt job, im in bed, depressed, weak, ect. I am very open to my family and doctors. No since of lying if you want help 😉. Your article here is right on. I wish there were groups for us. The hospitals and their groups van only take you so far. When i got back in the world, i let it slowly break me down again. Hospitals are more of a safe zone to calm down, but the problems are still there once you leave. At least this has been my experience. Anyway, my story is way too deep to add here, but you worded it beautifully. I suffered yhe ultimate betrayal. My daughter is estranged from me thanks to the lies my ex and her parents have been feedinh her. I pray God will turn her around. Thanks for this. I will share. God be with us all !!!!

    1. I am sorry you have experienced betrayal. Depression can start at anytime, not just with a life changing event. Stay in counseling and Church. It is a battle that we just have to keep winning.

    2. My husband and I have made it thru more than 50 years of problems and depressions by forgiving, forgiving, and forgiving! It doesn’t mean you were not done wrong. It means you lay it down by God’s throne and say, “Here you deal with them. It is too heavy for me.” And He will. He spoke to me almost audibly while I had a plastic bag over my head. I was in my 30’s and I am now in mid 70’s.

  26. Liz

    I have watched my dad suffered from depression my whole life. I have watched my husband and others close go through seasons of depression for years. For the first time in my life after reading this article, I finally have compassion and understanding reguardjng depression. Thank you for helping me understand.

  27. Alexa

    This is so beautifully done. Your words are SO IMPORTANT and so valuable. Thank you for taking the time to share your experience and perspective. I’m definitely sharing this with everyone I know.

  28. Anonymous

    Sarah, you are so loved and you matter!!! Thank you for sharing your heart and story. I truly believe that Satan is constantly at work and to those who are close to Jesus he wants the most. You are amazing and you are worth every ounce of happiness. I believe it is God’s plan for you to live out a life of goodness and even in the struggles he is with you. Be well my friend….hugs

    1. perfectly imperfect

      amen! when i was feeling low after my son passed, a friend had said something that i will always remember…. “God gives His biggest battles to His mightiest warriors”. He is equipping us for something greater. He loves me so much that He wants me to be prepared. Choosing to know Jesus more & more changes everything XO

  29. Lloyd

    Sarah, your courage to be honest about these feelings is so powerful. I have lost friends to suicide and others who have talked about it. We have erase the stigma of mental illness and treat it just like we do heart attacks and cancers. Keep up the good work.

  30. LaNelia Ramette

    Thanks for sharing your story. By talking about it, you are helping to end the stigma. I lost my 20-year old son to suicide 8 years ago. Hopefully your story will help prevent other deaths to suicide.

  31. Thank you for writing this. It is exactly what I feel most of the time. It is always there. It is a struggle some days to breathe.

  32. Steve Ramos

    Wow, thank you Sarah, I understand so much more now. This post is a blessing.

  33. Maureen

    Sitting here…. going through withdrawal of psych meds….. reading this articulated things in a way my muddled brain would never be able to do. After my second suicide attempt my shame was so overpowering I could not begin to talk to God. My God, who loves me so gently, I could not face.
    Trying to explain to people how I felt physically was impossible.
    As I sit here. Feeling positively dreadful, trying to overcome the effects that these strong medications cause…. there is a glimmer of relief and hope that I am not alone. That there is a whole group out there who sadly “get it”…. and whom I don’t need to explain. I fight this as hard as I can…. the journey is so long.

  34. Mandi

    Your article took my breath! I have suffered for 15 years with depression and suicidal thoughts. The ladies in my bible study will pray over me when I get too low, but no one has ever just sat down and loved on me. For the most part I keep quiet about my feelings at church. Like you said, many do see depression as sin. Your article gives me a lot of hope !! I am currently in treatment and on medication. But your article opens my heart. Thank you for writing it. I truly needed to hear your words!

  35. JIM BROWN

    The suicide that hit me hard was Robin Williams……shocked. His quote; “I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make people happy because they know what it’s like to feel absolutely worthless and they don’t want anyone else to feel like that.” That really gave me a perspective on depression I had never realized. And how it obviously led to his demise. Miss him so. ;o(

  36. Mary Jo West

    Such a powerful message! I posted it on my FB page because I am blessed to reach almost 5000. Think how many lives you might be saving with your sharing your personal story. I wish every religious leader everywhere could read your article. Thank you!

  37. Leslie Provencher

    I, along with so many others above greatly appreciate you sharing you experiences with depression and thoughts of suicide. You have an important testimony for the Christian community that needs to be heard. I had a blog that I just closed about this same subject. I couldn’t afford to keep the site up. My audience was targeted toward Christians and Christian leadership. There is still a stigma regarding mental illness and even in the church, but the church needs to be educated by people like you and address it in their churches, provide help by possible professionals in their congregations that could shed light on these issues. Keep knocking at that door for those of us who are Christians who deal with depression, who take the meds everyday and know what it’s like to feel suicidal. But we also know we have a BIG GOD that loves us and will NEVER leave us, nor forsake us and in whom we can take refuge under his wings (Psalm 91). I will share this on Facebook also. God bless you, Sarah (my daughter’s name too :-))

  38. V

    Just wrote my obituary, but I don’t think I’m going to carry through with it even though I really want to. Thank you for this post.

    1. Kristy

      V, know that you are not alone! As hard as it is to believe God has a purpose for you!! I pray Sarahs story helps you to understand the importance of your life to others! Please call one of the hotlines listed above and seek the help that you deserve!! I wish there was a way I could speak with you in person just to let you know how much your life means!! I’m praying for you right now! I’m praying you’re able to find a friend or family member you can trust to tell your feelings without fear of judgment, someone that can help you find the professional help you so need!! Please check back in and let me know you’re still here!! Sending prayer and hugs!!

      1. V

        Still here 🙂 thanks for the prayers – I need them

        1. Anonymous

          V. Please keep moving forward in a positive way… live for those who didn’t make it and be their voice! You can…

        2. Anonymous

          hello… this post is really for me.. know what? i am also holding on. of course the question of staying alive is daily… sometime by the hour. i’ve been through bad times. twice, thoughts popped into my mind.. there is bleach below the sink ready for me. well, i prayed, agonized, cried over it… laid it over jesus’ feet.. over and over and over and over again, until i was so exhausted from it all. slept over it, and woke up the next morning… at least i got over it. the next time it happened was two years later. now i resolve to stay close to people who care, not to be alone often times… difficult, but it carries me through. and prayers, prayers, prayers… tears often …

  39. CORINNE KAHI ISIGE

    Thank you for this post. I cried through it all because its what I go through daily.
    Thanks for the affirmation and direction.

    1. SOS

      Daily. 24/7. That’s tough. I’m praying you have a positive outlet or friend. As hard as it is daily and I know it’s hard, give yourself daily affirmations, daily self love, daily positive thoughts, daily encouragement. Keep moving in the direction of love. Your story can save a life.

  40. SOS

    Grief can leave such sadness, aloneness and emptiness inside. Hollow. You talk to people and the conversations are so surface layered. No one reaches down to those deep inner layers and asks you tough and uncomfortanle questions, pulls out the pain or physically sits with you in your darkness until you expel raw emotions. If you sound ok, then hey, you must be ok. People who commit suicide have found their release. What about those who do not chose that path and live daily in a perpetual state of grief, sadness, depression or emptiness. Im not sure which one is worse.

    1. Grieving Mom

      You just hit the bullseye for me. I lost my beautiful little girl 2 years and 9 months ago. She was only 25 and now I’m raising her 8-year-old son. It’s so hard to hold on, day in and day out. But the thought of my grandson losing me on top of his Mama is impossible to bear. So I just wake up in the morning after hitting the snooze button a half dozen times, put on my mask, and wade through the quicksand of another day. I feel like lead. Time does not heal all wounds. That’s a lie. It just seems to get worse and worse. I had already been struggling with severe depression for many years. I feel like I’m dying, but I’m not. I’ve wished for death more times than I can count and prayed for God to just take me home. Then, I think about my grandson and keep on going. I love God with all my heart, but I sometimes feel alone or that I’m not really saved or I wouldn’t feel like this. I’ve heard the usual comments from people at church who say I need to “pray through it” or “just have faith”. But that hasn’t worked. I have a very strong faith, but I believe not everyone who prays for healing is healed. I don’t understand why, but I accept it. I can’t really think too far in the future because it’s just too painful to wonder how many more days I’ll have to endure the pain, the darkness, the emptiness; it’s too overwhelming. Every once in a while I get a very brief glimpse of light, and I think that’s God telling me to just hold on a little while longer. It will be worth it.

      1. Sos

        Wading through the quicksand was such a powerful statement. People don’t realize that all stages of grief are “quicksand”. Today I may be waist deep, tomorrow ankle deep but it’s still all quicksand! Pray yes, seek God yes. But do not feel ashamed too seek professional help. God equipped those people for a reason .. He knew we would need an earthly and heavenly contact in those hard times. I’m sorry about the pain you are feeling about the loss of your daughter. Your grandchild sounds like the apple of your eye. You have been so internally strong . The mask sometimes keeps us from falling apart until we are in the company of those we can have good ole fashioned melt down with. I pray you access those people and allow them to love and support you.

  41. Peg

    I’m 63 now but in my early 30’s I went through something much like this. I was tortured with feelings of being afraid of dying and of living. If it wasn’t for a savy family doctor and his referral to a psychiatrist I’m not sure I would have ever lived to leave this reply. Those little pills I took for a little over a year and my weekly visits to a psychiatrist were indeed lifesavers. Thanks for the great article.

  42. Dialanurse

    Oh Sarah, I almost took my life back in May because I reached out for help from a family member & was met with “Christian Criticism” instead of love & compassion. Oh how I’ve been hurting and the flood of pain is most unbearable. Then a true & caring friend sends me this. You are a life-saver. I’ve always suffered in silence because of my “Christian beliefs.” Telling someone they are loved & SHOWING someone they are loved are divided by a deep chasm. So very different indeed. My, my, my how the church, God’s true church needs to address this & learn how to be life-savers too.

  43. Asia

    I must say I agree in some areas and in others I don’t. As a person who used to have suicidal thoughts but no longer have them I’d say the healing process is with God alone. I cannot stress enough the fact that if you truly truly and I mean truly know God those thoughts are destroyed at the very root. Your relationship with God dictates how your life will be. Many people search for answers in the church but what some fail to realize is that they may have been in the wrong church with the wrong teachings. Not every church teaches solely off God’s word. Yes I said it and it’s true. Some people don’t realize that they could be listening to someone who knows just as much as themselves and wonder why they’re not victorious as they should be. As humans we are going to have emotions so yes I get sad sometimes , yes I cry and yes I get angry, but not for long. It won’t last and it can’t last because of who I allow myself to follow and that’s Christ. I have joy and I know anything is possible with God. I want others to experience that also. I know that doctors have facts but God is the truth. And if He is for you then who can stand against you? That includes sickness, pain, worry, fear, debt, etc. Sometimes we’re just listening to the wrong people and they’re making us weaker.

    1. Sarah Robinson

      Asia, I’m so glad to hear you experienced healing through God. I agree, God is the ultimate source of all healing and joy. However, for many of us he chooses to use doctors, therapists, and medication. And sometimes he chooses to have us walk with him in the dark and learn to live with the ache. Either way, he is still good. ❤️

      1. Joseph Jackson

        My grandmother was depressed/delusional/whatever. I found out after I poured my coffee onto the floor because I thought it was poisoned, that my grandmother had done the same thing before I was even born. After my 2nd divorce, I was so embarrassed to go back to church & face coworkers/friends/family/her family etc, that suicide was my ONLY solution. In a hospital, on suicide watch by 24 hr nurse, the only way to die was to drown myself in the commode. I drew water into my nose, strangled, made enough noise to alert the nurse so I sneaked back into my bed, went to sleep and 33years have passed and I’v never felt that everyone would be better off w/o me again. Thank God in Jesus’ name!!🙏🕊

  44. Kim Mangrum

    God is good – thank you for this article. It is truly spot on. I’m now 58 I never dreamed I would live past 45. That is mainly due to my grandmother dying at 55 and my mom at 50 (kept ticking off 5 years). My mom died when I was 22 and I have been living much of this article ever since (Especially the 1st year or so after her death). I never wanted anything else around me that was living. No husband; kids, living plants. God had a different plan and brought my future husband in my life – he was a listener and obviously loved me for what/who I was – just what I needed. Fast forwarding – I always told people (I’m ok; feeling down or I am better than I deserve). All the time feeling like no words can describe. Again, this article fills my soul – I especially love the part “I’m so sorry you’re hurting” then just listen. I plan to share this article and I hope you are OK with that! God sees the big picture and we have to be still and listen. We are now are expecting our 1st granddaughter. Just as my mom took care of my kids before they were born – mom has been rocking my granddaughter. Thank you!

  45. Clinton McKinney

    Thank you Sarah for emoting so well your struggle. I have shared this on Facebook twice already. You certainly are appreciated and highly valued by me and many others! Thank you for your transparency and precious heart!

  46. S

    So, I’m not the only one. I’ve been told a million times to CHOOSE happiness. I would if I could. I dont know how. I stay in a fog continuously. I have a very strong faith.. in my mind, even though I’m so broken, I know God is blessing me, but I’m so sad… angry.. feel worthless.. and get even more frustrated as there is an internal battle going on because i feel like i dont appreciate the little I have. Any how.. I apologize for babbling. Thank you for this. It really hit home.

  47. Like you, Sarah, and many others here, I have struggled with depression since I was ten years old. Sometimes, I feel so much self-hatred that I really do think the world would be better off without me. In the last two years, I have gotten much better though. I have felt some of the joy that I have never felt since I was a young child. However, I do still struggle on some days. I would like to tell everyone here that they are not alone. I also like what you, Sarah, wrote about suicide not being always a selfish act. I think the church in general needs to do a better job of ministering to people who suffer from depression. Depression does lie, but it is an illness, not a character defect!

  48. Lisa

    I struggle with depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder and ptsd (and more). This article hits it on the head prefectly.
    Ppl think i shouldnt have problems because i have a wonderful supportive mother and a beautiful smart 18mo old that took 10yrs (after miscarriage) to conceive.
    I struggle every day with these bad thoughts.
    It always helps to see im not alone. I wish we more ppl could understand what we deal with.

    Thank you for putting it into words so many of us have a hard time doing.

  49. Martin Gamble

    Thanks for sharing this, Sarah. A friend of mine took her life three years ago and I have struggled to understand what has happened since then. This has been so helpful. God bless you!

  50. Mary

    very well written Sarah. Just about 35 years ago this summer I attempted suicide and almost succeeded – the Dr said another 10 minutes and it could be a different story. I never knew God and had no relationship with religion of any kind. But when I survived that attempt it made me search for answers, I went to church and that was the start of my healing – the compassion of people, the learning and the work God had for me to do . It wasn’t where all of the healing came from and the healing was part of journey that will be ongoing but over these 35 years I have found ways to get through the tough days and have been able to help others as well. there are still days I remember how awful it felt to be at that point and it is a terrible feeling and not selfish . Sometimes we need to give ourselves credit for how strong we are when we can get through 1 minute, 1 hour, 1 day……and try to believe that God has a purpose for us. My life has changed so much and I have had tremendous challenges in 35 years but God has taken me places I would never have imagined as well. I pray for all people dealing with this disease that God will provide them with whatever/whoever they need to help them and that they have the strength to receive it.

  51. Sara, Thank you for your honesty. Please familiarize yourself with this website and hopefully share with all faith leaders. This website is a wonderful tool to educate people from all faiths on how to be supportive to the people they serve. Developed by world leaders. faith.hope.life.org

  52. Alta Neese

    Bless you, Sara, for sharing. Like many others who have replied, i have a chemical imbalance that reared it’s ugly head after my 2nd child was born. Postpartum depression just never went away. Being a Christian made it worse. I was so guilty that I could not pray my way out. My friends were saying “Just pull up by your boot straps”. It made me feel so weak. I wanted to turn it all over to Jesus but could not stop the thoughts in my head. All that said, my purpose is to assure anyone out there, that may be depressed, you don’t have to live that way. Don’t try to handle it alone. If it had not been that I had a newborn and a two year old, I would not be here. There is a doctor somewhere that can help. Don’t be ashamed of the fact that you are on medication. It is like a diabetic. They have to take insulin every day. So it is with mental disorder. You take your meds every day and you will never have to go to that terrible place again. Yes, I call it a place. It is a place that no one understands unless they have been there. Sara describes it so well. You can easily tell that she has been there too. Thank you Sara for helping so many.

  53. Jen

    Excellent job at putting words to it, Sarah! Thank you!

  54. Jen

    Excellent job at putting words to it, Sarah! Thank you!
    Shared

  55. Allison Schwab

    This article was everything I needed to read tonight. I’m a Christian but I did want to die.

    My close family & friends know of my battle with depression but it’s not something that has ever been easy for me to talk about. I’ve battled it since I was very young but when “bad” things started happening, it got worse.

    There’s been so many days I couldn’t get out of bed but when I did, I lashed out on my mom, the one person who loved me most & understood what I was going through. The best thing that ever happened was a couple years ago when she called an ambulance to come get me. I was almost admitted to the psych ward but because I agreed to go to counseling, I was released..I hadn’t hurt myself but I wanted to. I wasn’t really sad, I was numb. I felt alone & powerless. I had prayed & begged God to take the burden away but he never did.

    I didn’t want to do counseling because I really didn’t know how to express how I was feeling but it was everything I needed. It helped me understand myself. Then, I found a great doctor who has worked with me to find the best medication for my disease. After three changes in medication, I think we’ve finally found the right one.

    Depression is something I’ll live with the rest of my life but I am so grateful that God will never leave me, my mom will love me through every “I hate you” or “this is your fault” and my brothers will always encourage & support me. I encourage anyone who struggles with this on a daily basis to seek help because your life matters.

  56. J. Glock

    Thank you so much for this. I have a friend who isn’t a Christian who has struggled with depression and would tell me every week that she wanted to die. I would feel broken because I felt like I couldn’t do anything and that she didn’t even have God to lean. But to know that it was so important for you to have that family that made you feel loved and safe makes me feel like maybe God used me to help her just by letting me be her friend and sit next to her while she would tell me everything that was going through her mind when she felt like death was the only option! I pray all the time that God would touch her heart and I can’t do anything on my own but I’m thankful for people like you that speak out on something that is so real and hurtful to many and such a blind spot in our churches! Thank you and may god bless you and keep making you grow in a deep love for him 🙂

  57. Amy

    Coffee, pancakes and street tacos sounds wonderful!

  58. Carla

    Sarah, as a counselor who has worked with Christian clients your words about depression and suicide and the church are spot on. And as a woman who loves Jesus and has fought depression and suicidal thoughts, I couldn’t have said it more accurately. Thank you for your willingness to be transparent and honest.

  59. ben

    Sarah,
    Its been somewhat disappointing to read only affirming comments on this thread. Perhaps I missed a few or perhaps you only approve positive comments. I shared this about your article in another place and I hope it is helpful here.

    The more recent brain research, far more advanced than mainstream clinical psychology, deals with a brain phenomena called neurogenesis and neuroplasticity. This science focuses on the ability of the brain to change. Many prescription drugs block the brains ability to do this.

    Neurogenesis is the brain ability to regenerate cells. The chemical imbalances that result in depression are low amounts of seratonin, oxytocin, and dopamine along with low levels of vitamin D among a variety of other factors.

    Depression can absolutely be caused by negative influences in a person’s life and by a person’s inability to process negative emotions. Phrases like “be joyful” may have more truth to them than this article gives credit. The brain does have the ability to create positive pathways and can even through practice learn to be “happy” or “sad”.

    Unfortunately modern medicine has failed most patients by telling them that there is nothing they can do. They are victims who must cling to a prescription and a therapist.

    Proper nutrition and exercise can boost these levels dramatically and teaching the depressed to live in the moment, utilize mindfulness, encourage them to change an occupation that facilitates depression and yes removing themselves from large amounts of blue light which agitates the mid-brain can all be effective measures of success. (Basically spending time on social media can cause depression regardless of the content the person is consuming)

    Articles like these are good, in the sense that they point out that people need more help. However the prescriptions and therapist I think are chaining these people to chronic life-long bouts of depression. Depressed people can change and I often find that therapist and their pills do little to facilitate these changes.

    Furthermore it needs to be pointed out that some depressed people and suicidal people do not have hope and do not have worldview that gives them a reason to live. Not all suicidal people are suicidal because of their life choices or their worldview. However some are and it would be terribly unloving to give them a pill when what they need is their thinking to be redeemed.

    1. Hi Ben,

      Thanks so much for adding to the conversation! I don’t take this as a negative comment at all 🙂 You raise some great points that I really appreciate. I hope everyone who reads these comments takes it into consideration as they talk to their doctors, psychiatrists, and counselors/therapists.

      Diet and exercise are huge parts of mental health and should hopefully be addressed by good doctors and therapists (in my experience, they have been).

      My main concern in this article is that stigma, especially in the church, prevents countless people from receiving the help they need. If memory serves me, only about half of those who die by suicide have a diagnosed mental health issue.

      Neuroplasticity is an amazing frontier in science, though most areas of neuroscience are still relatively new. Effective therapy should harness the benefits of neuroplasticity as the brain builds new habits and ways of thinking. Ideally, medication and therapy are used to stabilize moods enough to establish new pathways in the brain. From my understanding of the science and my experience, it’s not either/or but both/and.

      Ultimately, my hope is that people who read this article and the comments realize they can and should seek professional support because they are worth whatever it takes to heal and keep living. The simple truth is that we are not equipped to fix these problems on our own, or even solely with the help of the church. We need professionals who understand the science and psychology to help us get better.

  60. Jeana

    This article is my voice. It says what I wish I could say. Depression has been a part of my life since I was 15 and I am now 46. Sadly, the church isn’t the only institution that needs this information. I am a teacher and I nearly lost my job this year due to my chronic illnesses and absences. The school system didn’t know how to help and I couldn’t tell them because our insurance doesn’t recognize mental health as something to be protected or helped. I have often wished that my sickness was an addiction instead. At least if I was an alcoholic or a drug addict I could go to rehab and get help. But where do you go when your heart is sick? There is no rehab for that. I had to just suck it up and keep working to support my children. Those 3 children are the reason i have seen each new day. I cannot bear to think of them without their mom and the pain I could cause them by leaving. They don’t deserve that. Ive tried to fight this for so long with journaling and prayer and music and counseling and medication and essential oils and natural supplements but it is still there as big and as painful as ever. I am so ashamed to admit that the past two days I have even gone live on Facebook giving people ideas for ways to “stay out of a pit” when they are facing hard times like I have been lately. I had all these silly things to try to occupy the mind like playing with play doh, painting your toenails lots of colors, eating a pint of Halo Top ice cream, spraying a fragrance you like, and choosing to be positive moment by moment. I read your thoughts about how you really can’t tell someone to choose to be okay and I withered. You are so right. I am exhausted from trying these past two days to choose to be positive. I don’t sleep anymore and haven’t slept more than an hour or so daily for the past 5 days. I have a counselor and medication but I don’t have a person physically here to talk to. It’s getting harder every day

    1. Michelle

      That’s so hard 🙁 I’m sorry your work couldn’t really help or understand. It also sounds exhausting. It can be so hard when you try so many things and nothing seems to take away the darkness deep inside. A lack of sleep really doesn’t help. (Have you seen a doctor about this?)
      In my work, I listen and care for people who struggle, and while I teach resilience and other life skills, I sometimes feel like a hypocrite, knowing my personal lifelong struggle with depression and suicidal ideation. I think it’s really admirable that you are still here, focusing on your love for your children and what matters to you. I hope you can spend some time just resting in God, knowing that you are loved, letting Him be your strength. Sometimes we get caught up in all the things we need or feel we should do, and it can be helpful to just stop and “be”. I’m speaking as a perfectionist who’s always busy and never feels that she’s doing enough. God reminds me that His grace is sufficient, and my salvation rests in His great love for me, not in what I can do.
      (I’m assuming you’re a Christian as you mentioned church. My apologies if I’ve misunderstood.)

  61. Erin

    Thank you so much for having the bravery to share what depression/suicidal thinking is like but also the hope and potential we all have! You’ve done a great job explaining how we can fully believe in the gospel but still struggle with mental health. I’m just now getting to the point in recovery where I don’t constantly feel like what you describe. It’s definitely an illness that the church and our society needs to respond with kindness!

  62. Kalyn

    Sarah, this article was shared by a friend! God Bless You! It came to me at the perfect time! My grandkids had a friend who committed suicide last Friday night. He went to a party, seemed happy, talked to lots of people and came home, wrote a message on his Instagram and shot himself. A smart, sweet teenager with a life to look forward to… He was a popular kid with lots of friends, a loving mother, and not someone who fit what people think of someone who would commit suicide. You explained this so well and as a Christian I struggled on how to help my devastated grandkids and the others when I couldn’t make any sense at all. I suffer from depression and I understand the darkness well but how could I tell them what they needed to hear! Then this article is posted!! Thank you!!

  63. I don’t deal with depression, but I live with a continual internal terror. It is so bad my body, especially my arms just ache, and ache telling my emotions that I am terrified. I have begged and begged and begged God to take me home. I am almost 75 years old and the terror isn’t 24/7 now, but it still comes almost every day. It is exhausting.

    On top of the terror and other struggles my husband is dying from a slow insidious disease called Multiple Systems Atrophy. His autonomic systems throughout his body are slowly atrophying.

    I wish I had learned long ago what the Bible has to say about the importance of suffering in our walk with the Almighty God.

    Thank you for mentioning joy. I get so tired being told I should have joy, or that true love casts out fear. Again we need a better understanding of what these passages are really saying.

    Friends suggested I write a book. I decided to write a blog. A song by Steve Green kept me moving forward – “Refiners Fire.” So I called the blog The Refiner’s Fire http://www.myrefinersfire.com/

    It is my prayer that the Blog will minister to others who are walking through suffering – what ever it is.

  64. I think you just saved my son

    Sarah! You are amazing! Look at all the people you have touched, dear Angel.
    Omgosh!! My son is 20. My story is long. We have a family history for mental illness and thyroid disfunction.
    Hubby(Dad) died 6 yrs ago. He stopped taking the large doses of steroids he needed for his autoimmune disease. He chose to go Home.
    Like I said long sad story… so my son is 20 now. He has been depressed since before Dad died. I didn’t see it. I was absorbed in my own torture. When my son told me he thought he needed help, I immediately sought counsel for him. First thing was pills then talk therapy. We went to many docs. One said he had asbergers. My son would say I’m done and stop everything. Went through this 3 times. I knew he was broken, just couldn’t find a way to fix him. Now I know. He needs more of me. Thank you, Sarah. I will hold my child closer. He does believe in God, actually has a firm belief in it. I’ve always tried to instill the FEAR that he would go to hell if he did it, because I needed anything to keep him here. Obviously wrong.
    I have learned so much from all of the people on here. Thank you people! Sorry so long… just gotta say… you will feel better if you force yourself to smile while you are crying or need to. Your brain WILL trick your heart. Try it. I had to. When you cry for years you realize the toll it is taking on your heart and body. I have 2 children I need to raise. And I want to see my grandbabies! Yes, life is lonesome without my husband of 26 years and had I not had children, I assure u, I wouldn’t be here.
    These people who say prayer can fix anything, your wrong. God does not interfere. I have been on antidepressants for many years, I probably always will be. And it’s OK! 👍 It’s my cast for my broken heart. And by the way…. to all of you have have lost a loved one, wether suicide or not, it’s going to hurt forever. That was my best piece of advice through all of my grief. I needed to know how long the pain would last, so I could prepare and deal with it. Lots of people said 2 years, time will heal you. NOT!
    IT HURTS FOREVER.
    Just like depression.
    I love you all ❤️ and GOD bless all of us!
    Sarah, seriously, I think you may have opened my eyes to what my son needs. I have dealt with my own depression since I was a child, but it makes it that much harder to see when someone else is broken.

    1. Anonymous

      aspies are not broken … try embracing who he is, not what he’s not

  65. Tina

    THIS! I’ve lived this for years. I’m so thankful for your encouraging, honest post! A loved one developed cancer, and I remember seeing how the Church talked about it openly, helped with daily tasks, and prayed for healing and strength to get through chemo. Going for chemo was never frowned upon. On the other hand, the cancer that is major depression is stigmatized, medication is frowned upon, and the loneliness and shame add heaping coals onto the already fragile state of mind. Why is chemical imbalance in the brain looked at any differently than other diseases in our bodies? It is a malfunction just like the apopstasis of a cell that causes cancer, or a malfunction in the endocrine system that causes diabetes.

  66. Vanessa

    I am a mother to a child with depression. While I do not know how depression feels for her, I know what her depression feels like for me. It truly is something that affects everyone. I first noticed it when she was 7 and thought it was just “a phase” she was going through. I nearly lost her to suicide when she was 13. I took her to a councilor who told me to start preparing for her death because there would be nothing I could do to stop her, that was unacceptable. I cannot tell you how many nights I went without sleep because it was in the night when she would try to harm herself. The most terrifying moment of every day was going into her room to wake her for school in the morning, I was so afraid of what I might find, after waking her I would go to my room and cry with relief that I had my baby for another day. We finally found a good doctor and she is doing well now, I no longer have to keep all sharp objects locked in a cabinet and I have not slept with a baby monitor next to me in over a year. I believe she has the tools to cope and above all, she knows that I am walking beside her in this battle, that she can come to me even if I can’t make it better, I can be there with her until it gets better.

    1. Theodore Fracker

      My personal opinion:
      I hope you’ll build up a relationship of trust, friendship, and love with her!
      There will come a time, when she’ll have a relationship, and if it doesn’t work out, she might fall back into that hole.
      Letting her know you trust her, love her, and care for her, and that you’re there for her, to help her, is a very large burden off of any teenager’s chest.
      It might feel strange at first, but I think getting to know your child in more deeper levels, and praying together, and hoping together, and do everything to create deeper and stronger bonds with your girl, for her sake, is something that certainly would benefit you both!

  67. Theodore Fracker

    Thanks for bringing some of these truths to light.
    1- Yes, suicidal people are often believing they’re where they’re at, because they don’t pray enough, or aren’t spiritual enough.
    2- Yes, suicidal people are shunned as if they’ve contracted a venereal disease that’s also contagious through conversation; and that attitude only strengthens the depression, and weakens the person.
    3- Yes a suicidal or depressed person needs love; even more than those with a physical ailment!

    initially I thought I would read yet another ‘know it all’ lecture from someone who’s got a theological degree in depressions and demonic possessions; or from someone who’s acting on hearsay.
    I’m glad I read through this, and changed my mind.
    You’re pretty. A lot of women aren’t as pretty as you. A beautiful woman is able to achieve almost anything she likes in life, because she’ll attract wealth, and a wise man.
    Something a lot of less beautiful people have to struggle with, and we didn’t.
    not to say that therefor we can’t be depressed.
    There are still goals unmet.
    in my own life, I was seriously lacking friendships. Couldn’t connect to anyone. And the more I was seeking, the more I was rejected.
    That for me, was horrible.

    While I do believe that God heals, I do also think that quite often, people aren’t seeking hard enough. It takes more faith than that to pray and have it disappear.
    Perhaps as I get older, my depressive emotions go down a bit.
    Or, perhaps, just like I prayed fervently for a spouse, and God providing, I also prayed fervently for healing.
    And just like the spouse, God didn’t just ‘give me one’ like that.
    He gave me the knowledge to change myself where I should, so my current spouse would love me for those character traits.
    And in a similar manner, it could have been Jesus’ consistent love that got me through time after time, and stabilized me. I don’t know.
    I did it without drugs. And with only One Doctor!
    But I wouldn’t recommend it to anyone, who’s not willing to give up his life for God, and go beyond the call of duty.
    And I’m not saying to pray and fast until you are so exhausted you can’t anymore.
    The hard part is to persist, to last through the years. To, every day go through depression, until you’ve become accustomed to it, and until you understand it’s really not all that important. You’ll still survive without whatever it is you’re missing.
    In my case, I had to give my jewel to God, and find peace with it. My jewel meaning, my earthly desires, to give up the desire of friendship, to enter loneliness, because in this harsh environment, God is preparing me for something greater.
    Now that I’m married, I can’t say I won’t be depressed anymore.
    But there’ve been milestones. Milestones where I look back, and can say:”Never again will I go there!”.
    And I remember, how God saved me in the knick of time, or 2 minutes later I wouldn’t have been here anymore. And the memory, stands as a testimony that:
    1- If you’re at your worst, it means tomorrow can only get better.
    and
    2- If you end your life now, you won’t see where it could go from here.
    and
    3- My (family member that I love most) will miss me dearly. I can’t do this to him/her! For myself, yes, but not for them!
    and
    4- Not to mention the fear of ‘what happens if I fail in my attempt? Will I be willing to go through life as an invalid for the choices I make today?’

    All these are solid answers and questions, that really help prevent a lot of people commit the one sin, they can’t repent from….
    Yeah.. It’s death that can’t be repented from. once you go in, there’s no way back.
    Not blasphemy.
    One can blaspheme the Holy spirit, and later truly regret, and turn back. The Lord will not leave such person behind.
    But only one sin can’t be forgiven (here on earth). The one you can’t ask for forgiveness for.
    Does that mean suicidals go to hell if they succeed?
    No. I’m not saying that.
    It just means here on earth, there’s no redemption.
    But our life isn’t permanently here anyway.
    Our life here, is like a savings account in which we can either deposit, or cash it all out. Every day we live, we deposit something in there. Something good I hope.
    But the day we cash it out, is the day we will cash out the amount we’ve build up. And making the decision to shorten the time to save up, certainly affects that final savings balance.

    1. cathy

      I have to disagree with you and your comment. #1 because you claim that “While I do believe that God heals, I do also believe people aren’t seeking hard enough. For someone who has Clinical Recurring Major Depression it’s hard for them to even get out of bed or eat, and at the point that depression is leading to suicidal thoughts and actions, the last thing on their mind is to push harder, and “seek” harder. #2 “If you’re at your worst, tomorrow can only get better.” You have no proof of that, Do you?? I am glad that you had only one doctor and no medicine, not everyone can do that. #3 According to the Scriptures, The unpardonable sin is blasphemy of the Holy Spirit ie: Total rejection of Christ and the Gospel. It is NOT death, unless you do not trust Christ and trust and have faith in what he did when he died on that cross and rose again. I am just clearing this up now because Scripture is twisted by so many, and one needs to know what Scripture truly says. satan is still alive and well in this world, Depression and Suicide are tools in his arsenal to get us to give up on God.

      1. cathy

        I’d also like to share my story. I was 14 yrs. old when I was diagnosed with severe major recurring depression. I also went through very severe child abuse at the hands of my parents, mostly my father. So, between the two, I was messed up at an early age. My family was Catholic, (my Father was going to become a priest, and was asked to leave the seminary). When I was 7 yrs. old, we had just moved to our house, and my mother decided to take me to a Lutheran church for Sunday, It didn’t take me long to figure out that if I also went to church, that I wouldn’t be beaten on Sunday morning, so I went to church as well. My parents enrolled me in Lutheran Day School, and I also went to a Lutheran College. That’s what I really wanted. I first went to therapy during High School, and my pediatrician prescribed Valium and a sleeping pill. (In the early 70’s there wasn’t really any medication for Depression. I was first hospitalized when I was 16 yrs. old for 5 months. I was put on various meds, and finished high school, and was accepted to Concordia College right after HS. I was put on a nasty anti-psychotic medication– Haldol, and that slowed me down and kept me in bed and non functional, I flunked out of college, the thing I wanted the most. I’ve been in and out of hospitals, in and out of day treatment programs, I’ve been on almost all medications that there is for depression, I’ve had over 150 Electro Shock treatments, I’ve had therapists and psychiatrists tell me that I was beyond their expertise, and they quit seeing me. (That just happened yet again about 6 month’s ago, and so far, I have not sought help again. I have only attempted suicide once, and came almost close to succeeding. I had a very serious problem with self abuse (burning and cutting, and I have done some serious damage, but that helped me control painful emotions, I could feel inside relief when I burned myself, even though I could not feel the physical pain. My father ripped me apart verbally by calling me worthless, useless, hopeless and good for nothing, I believed him, and that just doesn’t go away. I do believe in God, but, I also believe that he hates me as much as my parents and the rest of my family. I’m more of a friend than I have friends, and People are surprised when I have had struggles, and go the other way, because now, I need help. Recently, I have gone through Breast cancer again, and chemo and a double mastectomy, I also have diabetes and other physical issues too. Sometimes I just get so tired and death seems more welcoming than life is. I am a very strong resilliant person, and I have survived. I was able to finally go back to college and get a degree in Early Education, I have taught pre-school and kindergarten, I have been a Nanny, and have mothered so many children, I’ve taken care of babies and others since I was 6 yrs. old. But sometimes I cry because I have no family, and no friends, and it gets hard going through this life all by yourself. I am so thankful Sarah that you are a survivor, and that you have found healing in therapy and friends and medication, I have never found that healing, in fact, I was told 6 months ago that my depression is treatment resistant. I am so very sorry for dumping my sad story on you, but this is the truth. Some day, I hope and pray that I will also have real peace with God. God Bless you all.

  68. Martha

    My 17 year old daughter recently came to us and said she needed help, she had been having thoughts of suicide. We immediately called a mental health worker and they determined she would be better off in a hospital setting. She spent five days in a mental hospital. She is doing pretty good now, she knows she will have bad days and I asked her to let me know when she was and we would deal with them together. Thank you for you article. It gave some insights I hadn’t thought about.

  69. Anonymous

    Sarah
    This is a wonderful insight. My husband took his life 10 years ago. HE loved Jeusus served in our church and loved his children dearly. Our children were 3, 11 and 12 1/2. They are now 13, 21, & 23. I will be sharing this with all of them. ♥️

    1. christina A Fulton

      Didnt mean to leave my name off

  70. This afternoon I went to the memorial service for a friend committed suicide last week. He was a believer. I feel as if I let him down, and the church was not there for him. So reading this, was incredible and timely. Thank you for being a voice for those who struggle and perhaps it will save us from having to sit in a church because someone like my friend just wanted to pain to end.

  71. Thank you for this article – captures the pain and hopelessness so many of us have felt – my song HOME wrote itself after one of my music students took his life the summer of his junior year. I think I really wrote it for me. (Video) https://youtu.be/iWrt9JeqKm4

  72. Susan

    Thank you so much for this article. I am living this right now and reading this has helped me to reach out to a therapist. I think it’s time for me to get some help. Thank you for sharing.

  73. Maria

    Thank you Sarah for sharing your story. My beautiful and wonderful cousin posted this to my timeline in Facebook and I am so greateful she did. I never realized someone did care about how I am feeling or saw the pain I am In. All I want to do these days is sleep away life. I wake up every morning because I have to go to work but all day long I am tired and can’t wait to get home to go to sleep. Though I am on medication it doesn’t seem to help.
    Yeah I don’t feel suicidal any longer but I have given up on life. I am married but it’s like living with a roommate because I no longer feel the need for love. My granddaughters live with me and I struggle to do anything with them I am always in my empty world but I feel so bad about it but can’t seem to do anything about it. I feel like god punished me for not being a better mother or daughter so he took my mom and daughter to cancer and now my aunt that I so dearly love has breast cancer. I stop believing there is a god even though I find myself talking to him at times but I ask myself all the time is there truly a god are these just stories. I never read a bible because I didn’t understand it all I know about god is what I heard as a child from my mom and aunts but I was always frightened by there stories as well.
    I don’t know what to believe any longer so lost in this horrible world.

  74. Betty Allard Bonham

    Thanks, I learned so much.

  75. Candace Lazzaro

    Thanks for this article. Although I’ve never gotten so depression that I’ve attempted suicide, I have prayed to God to just let me die. He didn’t answer that prayer with a yes. Thank you, Jesus. I still struggle with depression but after a long time of being lethargic and crying a lot, I feel like I’m finally “moving” toward joy again.

  76. Leslie

    I can do relate to what you’ve posted. Positive, happy, out going me has suffered from depression for approximately 20+ years. I know firsthand about this subject & for some reason I’m feeling brave enough or crazy enough to share some of my insights. Granted everyone’s journey with depression is as individual as the person is but IMHO there are some universal similarities. I feel there are some “truths” only those who have been there know. I will attempt to articulate a few of them. Some will relate some will not.

    I’ve not researched what I post here. I’m not wanting to argue or tit-for-tat facts. This post is merely from personal experiences of my own & like all of you, with family members & friends who have attempted or been successful with suicide.

    I’ve been to the “other side” more than once. I have a Pinterest board called “The Other Side” that is a collection of art from all over the world that depicts some of what I think it feels like to be depressed and in anguish.

    It is not my intent to offend anyone reading this but people frequently refer to suicide as cowardly, selfish & thoughtless on behalf of the victim. I disagree. As a matter of fact I find it cowardly, selfish and thoughtless for a person’s loved ones to want to keep someone so broken & who is in so much pain for their own personal reasons & needs alone. It is the person left behind who is afraid to be left; who wants that person regardless of the costs; who is putting their needs ahead of their loved one IMO. It’s not all their fault though. Unless you have been there I do not think the average person spiritual or not can fathom the depth of the despair whether it’s mental despair, physical pain or both.

    The thought process for planning a suicide is itself intense, thoughtful and overwhelming but also freeing. IMO this “freeing” or “restful” sensation is intoxicating & far out weighs the negatives at the time.

    I also believe for most it’s not this frantic, impulsive act. I believe from experience it is quite the contrary. Anguished people are secretly thinking of it & planning it for some time.

    I believe women’s typical inability to compartmentalize makes suicide more likely for us. That said man or woman, I believe suicide is never over a single issue. I believe those who are left behind want to simplify it and believe there maybe a single dominating reason but in reality I think that is rare. As Shrek said we are like an onion-many layers. When suicide is considered or attempted there are so many variables the majority of people couldn’t begin to comprehend the complexities in your life & head at the time.

    Once you have suffered so long & are so exhausted the idea of death is such a relief you can hardly wait for that peace to come. For some spiritual people the feeling is so exhilarating it supersedes God’s grace which again seems unfathomable to most people. For me I felt I would have God’s grace despite because regardless of what many scriptures say, I believe God is an all loving God who would never ever turn his back on the most broken of his likeness. At the moment my life was to end I planned to beg forgiveness & to ask him to take my broken heart & spirit and make me whole again or at the very least relieve my insurmountable suffering & to lead my loved ones to peace.

    The feeling of release from your emotional and or physical burdens is so enticing it makes any possible pain during the actual act bearable & conceivable. I had suffered silently with a smile on my face and “looking normal” for so long that a moment of physical pain seemed an insanely small price to pay for peace. In my experience emotional pain is much worse than any physical pain although I’ve experienced a great deal of both.

    One thing I find ironic is we hear all the time the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over & over & expecting a different outcome. What people who do not suffer from depression don’t understand is most of us go through a host of different meds, different counseling, different alternative treatments such as acupuncture hopeful each time & then if or when these options fail we are back at square one…..over & over & over & over & over & over & over & over again. So who’s insane?

    And as for the logic & cowherdness behind suicide, when I was on the other side I believed what I wanted to do was in the best interest of my family. I felt strongly that I would be doing them a favor. I felt I was dragging them down, a burden, a hopeless embarrassment of doom & gloom. There’s no doubt IMO it’s an escape from self but it is also sparing those who love your broken person & preventing them from having the heartache your depression creates for them. And to take the greatest gift God gives us and destroy it-that is yellow bellied?

    And the final point I’d like to make about my experience is this: those left behind say they wish they’d known or they wish they could have been there to talk the person out of suicide or to somehow prevent it. To get the person into counseling or some other recognized form of treatment. But the reality is there is nothing that will stop a person intent. Nothing. No one. No one thing. Carrying guilt for a lost loved one is useless & misguided IMHO. No matter how many interventions, treatments etc if a person is intent on ending their life they will eventually do so.

    I feel one positive that can come from Robin William’s suicide is an open honest discussion about what it means to be depressed, to consider suicide and our failing mental healthcare in this country. In his case we can add mania and addiction to the discussion. While I do see his suicide as a choice I do not see it as selfish or insane or cowardly. Quite the contrary. He finally took control of the demons that haunted him, the ones who he couldn’t overcome, the ones he no doubt felt were in someway destroying his self thus his family. Despite the publics’ loss and certainly his family’s I respect his choice. I won’t glorify it or promote it as an alternative but neither will I condemn his right to take control of his life the only way he thought he had left.
    —————————–

    1. Beth

      Leslie,

      I am so moved by what you’ve shared, and it explains what it is like on the other side, which I have resided at for many years now, so aptly.

      Your comment(s) regarding the definition of insanity and the never-ending attempts at finding healing are so precise. I have actually wondered more than once over the last few years if I am already in hell — if somehow I was mistaken that Jesus had accepted my invitation to be my Savior so many years ago. Had I actually fooled myself into believing that I had a personal relationship with Jesus and with my Abba…. was it delusional that I believed He was my best friend??? Is the feeling of now being separated from Him as I am unable to feel His presence proof that either I was never His nor He mine??? Is this what a cursed and damned life looks or feels like???

      I’ve given up on antidepressants as they’ve never worked for me. I’ve lost hope in our broken health care system and in the body of Christ as a collective. I am here only because I don’t want to further damage those whom I love who have already been so affected by my despair and fear. I am barely functioning. I am a walking shell of the person I used to be. I know that I will eventually one day die by my own hand as I have no one and cannot bear the thought of growing old alone. I find comfort in knowing that this life is only temporary and that if my Father God is as good as I have been told all my life, that He will accept me with open & loving arms. 🙏🏻

      1. Karmen

        I find comfort in knowing this is not our home. I do not stay in a state of depression but head south when the enemy starts. He reminds me my prayers are not answered or rather the answer is no. Pray & pray for loved ones who do not want Jesus. It is heart breaking-year after year. Broken relationship. I start believing the Lord doesn’t care & it is a lonely place where you just want to check out!

  77. Anonymous

    thanks!

  78. Peter Hawley

    Thank you for writing your article. I’ve struggled with depression and PTSD since 2007. After struggling with my depression and anger issues for four years, I went to the VA and asked my primary care person for meds. I had tried everything else. I had prayed and begged God for healing. I had believed time would heal my brokenness. I was active in my church. I’ve come to realize there will only be healing when I see the ultimate healer. Until then, I will continue to take my antidepressants and go into the group when things get too bad. My church has been wonderful. I remember when I started taking the pills. The pastor of the church I was attending at the time told me, “Better living through chemistry.” I didn’t care what he thought. I felt better than I had in years. I understand attitudes within the church have to change. My depression started when my first wife cheated on me while I was deployed on the southern border with the Border Patrol. She decided to leave me for the other man. Sixty days after she tells me she’s leaving, I am dragging my gear into my armory. We have Iraq orders. I did the only thing I knew to do at the time. I packed my gear and went. There were days when I was doing good to put one boot in front of the other. The struggle continues to this day.

  79. Cat

    This is where I broke down and sobbed: “You can wholeheartedly love Jesus and be depressed.” Thank you. <3

  80. Love this post! I love Jesus and struggle like you. Thank you for your openness and honesty. We too often find this subject taboo in church.
    I wrote about this on my blog…but it’s anonymous…I’m a scaredy cat, which is why I admire your bravery❤️. Here’s the link if you’ve got a minute.
    https://squarepegsdrumsandbuttholes.com/depressed-super-christian-lol/

  81. Anonymous

    This is a very good article, thanks so much for your insight. My son died by suicide nine months ago. He was fourteen years old. I saw him and I will never be able to get that image out of my head. I wish I could share this article on FB, but this phrase: “my body, swinging from the rafters” prevents me from doing so.

  82. Ray

    What a great read! I felt like I was the one writing this by how much it relates to me. So encouraging and powerful

  83. Lorelei

    “The lie that those walking closely with God don’t ever have suicidal thoughts or other mental health issues is dangerous because it wrongly casts these issues as sin.” And this lie also proves that they have ignored or missed large swaths of the Bible. Spent some time reading the Psalms, Job, and the prophets.I find so much encouragement in reading their words, because they too have had moments where they wished they had never been born and yet found hope in God.

  84. Christina

    I’m currently going thru all of this, I’m speechless but I’m seeking help m. It’s still so hard

    1. Marc Deweasae

      Christina,
      There are many of us who have to deal with depression and the dark thoughts that accompany it. Learning about the disorder and how to combat it is one of the best things we can do. Do not hesitate to reach out to those who know what you are going through and are familiar with ways to disrupt the symptoms of the depression. We are a unique group of people, and we do not have to submit to the beast. God bless and keeping you in my prayers.

  85. Marc Deweasae

    Thank you for sharing this. You put into words what many people feel and do not know how to express. I suffer from depression, and although I know many of my friends are trying to help, sometimes the things they say only makes the situation worse. I have been fortunate enough to avoid suicidal thoughts for the most part, but when they come they are heavy and dark. Knowing what we face with depression and confiding in people we can trust helps beyond the darkness. Thank you again for sharing this. Well said and worth the read. Sharing.

  86. sallie

    My son is a worship pastor. He has his suicide all planned out. He has told us about it. He is seeing a counselor and is taking meds (we think, so he says). We don’t know what to do. We tell him we love him and that we know he is hurting but he has pretty much shut us out of his life. Won’t answer phone or texts. He is out of town a lot so popping in the see him is hit or miss. We feel helpless and are just waiting for that phone call…

  87. Jake Kern

    I wish people would read this and believe it! I’m 48 and have been fighting the battle for decades. I also deal with anxiety & agoraphobia, and within the past year it’s come to light that I am contending with PTSD. Fortunately I have a fantastic psychiatrist and even better therapist, a Christian counselor who specializes in acute mental illness. My psychiatrist had me take a genetic test, and I have a long-short pair of the MTHFR (methyl folate receptor) genes which regulate the body’s ability to process dopamine and other important chemicals for mental health. In other words, I finally saw that I had a physical, genetic impairment. So many years, and it finally felt somehow legitimate.

    I’ve studied the story of Elijah a lot, and something you shared revealed new truth in that passage. Suicidal ideation is not sinful. Elijah told God that he wanted to die, and God did not rebuke him for sin. He fed him, let him rest, and was present for him with compassion. Eventually when Elijah was more clear-headed, God challenged his perspective that Elijah wasn’t truly alone. Knowing that it’s not sin helps to deal with the sense of shame.

    Thank you. It’s time for the Church to have genuine dialog about mental illness. Blessings to you.

    1. Beth

      Jake, wow….. I have the same dxs as you, but c -ptsd rather than ptsd. I am also the same age as you (when you posted this comment). I have often wondered about the MTHFR mutation and whether I had it. My understanding is that it (mainly) affects the metabolism of folate. So I started taking an active B complex but can’t say it’s made much of an impact for me, although my life is basically in ruins which certainly does not help. May I ask how you and your doctor approached and utilized this information? I’ve tried everything and yet continue to worsen with suicidal ideation. What has worked for you, if you feel comfortable sharing?

  88. Anita Weaver

    Dear Sarah and others who have commented here. I know that all you’ve said is true and from a human perspective the physical and emotional help is very important. What makes me sad is that no one seems to address the spiritual side of the suicide problem. Depression is a lie from Satan and his solution is death. It always has been. Remember the demons that Jesus cast out? The young man who kept throwing himself into the fire? I’m not saying that anyone is going to hell or not a Christian if they have these feelings, but I am saying that the feelings are not able to be overcome just by physical and mental treatment. The Bible says to take every thought captive and to be transformed by the renewing of our minds. I certainly can’t speak for others but I saw God heal my Dad from schizophrenia. He had suicidal thoughts. God created us to have fellowship with Him so we can and should take everything to Him in prayer and leave our struggle with Him instead of trying to work it out on our own. I truly believe God can and does heal both physical and mental illnesses. But even if He doesn’t take away the pain He PROMISES to be with us through it. He is a God of LIFE and wants us to live in His abundant life. Please know that my heart goes out to those who are suffering and I pray that the Lord will meet you where you are and give you the strength to resist the devil and his lies about killing yourself.

    1. Beth

      Anita,

      I can feel that your heart is in the right place from what you’ve written above. Having said that, what you seem to be assuming is that those of us who suffer with depression or anxiety or suicidal ideation have not already plead with the Lord for healing, for forgiveness, for strength… that depression is simply negative thinking or lack of faith. Because you see ongoing suffering, you seem to be questioning our relationship with Jesus, whether you meant to or not. This is a blanket assumption and sadly reinforces exactly what this article is attempting to challenge. Yet, it seems to continue to elude so many within the church….

      I speak for myself when I say that many times my relationship with Jesus was the only thing keeping me afloat. He has been my best friend for most of my life, and for many years, despite my failing mental health and eventual inability to feel His presence. For over 30 years, I believed that His will was to heal me, and I juggled back & forth between the ongoing argument of whether the source of my depression was spiritual or physical. I have been invalidated and rejected…not by God, but by those claiming to be His hands and feet. But, I have learned, just as Paul asked, more than once, to be freed of what tormented him, our Father does not always heal His children in this physical plain. I’ve had to surrender the question of “Why?” because that alone hurts too much to continue pursuing. He is God, and I am not. I do not understand His ways.

      Please never assume that you know the spiritual life of a fellow brother or sister by the challenges they are facing. One only needs to look within the scriptures to the books of Job and the Psalms, among others, for scriptural insight into despair felt by men of God. Grief, abuse, trauma, physical defect…these can all be contributors to depression, as well as to other mental illnesses. Please remember this.

  89. Lourdes

    Anita, people like you are the problem that she addresses here. Clinical depression is an illness like diabetes or cancer. It is a chemical imbalance in the brain. God gave each of us a mind so we could learn. I believe that not doing so and hurting sick people is a sin. I would suggest you get help and then go to a library and educate yourself on what clinical depression is. Also, talk to professionals who can explain it to you and maybe help you as well.

  90. Alex

    -Depressed and suicidal people just need you to enter the dark and sit there with us, your love unchanged.

    All I want is sleep, not just because depression is exhausting, but because sleep is an escape.
    -Sometimes people say suicide is the most selfish act you can commit. But for many battling the darkness, dying seems like the most selfless thing to do.

    👆👆👆 I’ve searched almost my whole lifetime for this. I never could really explain what I was really feeling, so nobody ever really understood. Thank you so much, Sarah! Such a beautiful artical!

    1. Keith

      Alex
      I feel for you ,and I’ve experienced the same sense of exhaustion with depression.Sleep often feels like the only escape, usually the tiredness hits me in the afternoon.I also experience a debilitating emptiness, and deadness inside,that makes it hard for me to motivate myself.
      The trick is to regard getting through small daily jobs as an accomplishment, and not judge yourself by others’ targets and expectations, just know it’s fine to be still where you are.
      God bless.

  91. Rob Tierney

    Hello Sarah, A very good article… I saw it shared by a friend on Facebook. It is very good to see an explanation of these thoughts, and the struggles. I have a family member that struggles with bi-polar, and suicidal thoughts. I have had to seek medical attention and help a for times for them. It can be hard, truly hard to understand what is going on in someone’s else’s mind.. And it is often very hard to know the right courses of action to help. It’s like you love and care about the person, but always a concern your not healing or helping the right way. The mindset that plagues me… If a friend breaks all their legs… Knows they are not going to be an Olympic Sprinter in the future.. so they don’t want to do the rehabilitation.. At one point do I keep pushing them to move.. and what point do I say… I don’t know if you willing to do the things you can to be better… It’s hard.. you love them.. but you don’t always feel attention itself is in itself the right thing…

  92. Connie

    This is such a good explanation and adds clarity to a very difficult subject. Lauren Daigle has a new song coming out called “You Say” which affirms much of what you’ve said here. https://youtu.be/sIaT8Jl2zpI

  93. I have thought about this everyday for 40 years. As I age I realize it could be easier to let go. The only thing that keeps me here is the knowledge of the hurt I would leave behind. Years of counseling and medication has helped, but I always wonder….. always.

  94. Ray Marconi

    Hi Sarah, A very good article, I can fully understand and share your view.

    I need support and other opinion, as I have struggled with depression for the past 15 years. It worsened those days, I want to die, but my love to my wife and my 19 years old only son stop from doing that in addition to my religion believe. If I die, I will not suffer any more but my wife and my son will do, I cannot be selfish, I cannot be selfish

  95. MK

    Thank you Sarah for this description of what the heaviness is, how it feels, and what it means to be a Christ-follower in the midst of the shadows. It is the “valley of the shadow of death” in Psalm 23 not because it is literal death, but because it is so dark it feels like the real thing. We all need to keep enduring these bitter realities, reminding ourselves that our good God has plans bigger than we understand here and now, important purposes for us in this life. And then, one day Jesus will call us home – not by our premature choice, but by his faithful timing. Let’s all keep holding on when we just want to escape. Bless you!

  96. Sarah,

    This is a very insightful and heartfelt article. I think you can Speak Life into the lifeless through a desire to truly understand so that you can show Compassion and Love that leads to healing.

    There’s one thing in there that I 100% disagree with… the idea that suicide isn’t Selfish, and, it’s definitely not selfless… I get the lies rattling around in the heads of the suffering, “They’ll be better off without me…” but that’s a lie. It’s a lie that anyone who has been left behind by suicide would refute – anyone who had to deal with the wreckage left behind (of which I am one) would cry out against. I would pose a challenge to anyone considering suicide and justifying it with this lie – go explain your suicide case and get permission to kill yourself from everyone in your life, and see what Truth looks like – see what desperate Love looks like.

    I Pray that all would endure, cry out for help – not suffering in silence, and accept the love that they both need and deserve.

  97. Thank you, thank you for sharing this. It was authentic and insightful, putting to words things I have experienced myself and through my partner, who suffers at a much deeper level than I. When a friend shared this article, our church worker community was grieving the loss of a friend and colleague that took his life. This article created the opportunity for more conversation. Thank you.

  98. Cindy

    Very well written although for me may not be enough to help me understand why life all of the sudden is just so meaningless. I lost my husband 14 months ago. I have been trying to get from one day to another. Fighting different battles every day, taken advantage of more times than I can count. Tired emotionally, mentally, and physically.

  99. Thank you for your transparency. The spectrum of why people are suicidal or depressed is wide. My depression often rears its ugly head in the form of anxiety and being totally overwhelmed with life’s responsibilities. Thankfully, I have a few people in my life that do exactly what you suggest:

    “Depressed and suicidal people just need you to enter the dark and sit there with us, your love unchanged. You could be his arms to hold us, his hands to feed us, his voice to tell us we’re not alone. Your love and kindness are more powerful than you know.”

    Your post is well written and heartfelt.

  100. Joy Stobbe

    Thank you so much for sharing this Sarah! I have Depression and PTSD and have been told so-o-o many times that my faith isn’t strong enough, that I need to keep my eyes on Jesus, etc. etc. I think one of the sayings people used with me the most is because of my name, “Joy” – you have to live up to your name!!! Ugh! How do you live up to your name when you can’t even begin to think that there is such a thing as happiness…let alone Joy! I am doing so much better now, I take all kinds of meds and thankfully I have a Christian Phsychiatrist , he’s not preachy or anything like that – sometimes he will remind me of a scripture, but not preach to me about it. I have committed suicide (attempted many times – succeeded once), I watched from above as they worked on me and brought me back – I didn’t cry or have any reaction when I came back…they took me to a lock up room and on the way a nurse calmly told me, “You must not have wanted to really die, because you’re not upset that you are still alive!” I did not comment, but in my head I was saying, “You have no idea how much screaming is going on inside of me right now!” I am still alive…duh obviously and most days now I am glad to be alive! God has given me GREAT friends, counsellors and pyschiatrists!
    Someday, I would like to write a book about my journey, I have the title already, “My Search For Joy” it has a duel meaning! Finding joy in life and finding myself! I have kept journals through my depression, when I first started seeing a counsellor I could not talk at all about the abuse from my past (that is what brought on all of my mental issues)! I could write it, but I couldn’t talk about it! I would write and then the next visit give them the writing and we would talk about it – or should I say, they would talk about it and sometimes I would listen and sometimes I would totally disassociate because I could not !handle it! Just want to share a bit and let you know that I enjoyed your writing – wish you hadn’t had to go through the stuff you did to understand depression! I think sometimes that the only way you can understand it is if you have lived it – living with someone with depression doesn’t always bring the understanding

  101. Erika

    Crystal, have you ever experienced trauma so severe, you don’t even remember the event? I saw the aftermath of my dad’s suicide. I don’t remember. I saw my mother waste away from cancer, and was left an orphan. And the list of childhood traumas goes on. Am I a victim? No, I’m a victim of myself and poor choices in adulthood which leads me to my next point. While it wasn’t addressed in this article, guilt and remorse are exaggerated in many people who have Major Depressive Disorder. They can torture the mind. Even the smallest past transgressions are magnified 100-fold. While I agree with this author in theory, most Christians…in fact, most people…are dismissive of depression. Comments such as this are why people are very reluctant to discuss what’s wrong with them. That’s when isolation sets in. There is a trend to label any negadivity “toxic.” While it is awesome that you recovered, remember that there are degrees of depression. Also, trauma and PTSD can play a huge role. Synapses in the brain literally atrophy and die. Brain regions can become broken. This happens due to exposure to long-term stress and trauma. Additionally, antidepressants don’t work for many, many people. I encourage you to research this topic and rethink your stance.

  102. Just some guy named Ryan

    Sarah, your words are an inspiration to us all; they are so applicable it feels like I wrote it myself. While I don’t wish this upon anyone, it is reassuring to know that I am not alone.

    I’m 41 years old. Just celebrated my ten year anniversary (second marriage) last month. We have seven children all together. I really struggled as a teenager but eventually that passed at approximately the age of 16; leaving me with 25 years of a relatively good life and the thought that it was nothing more than teenage hormones and angst.

    Over the last year, we’ve been going to marriage counselling and uncovering a lot issues in our lives. Particular, I’ve had to confront my upbringing in a house with two alcoholic parents, and have had to cut my mother our of my life due to that. On top of that, I’ve also discovered past sexual abuse that I wasn’t aware of and the fact that I’ve been neglected my entire life. And here I thought being able to get myself out of bed, to school, and cooking breakfast, lunch, and dinner, at six years old, was a sign of independence. I’m learning now that it was a sign of neglect.

    Throughout all of this, I discovered about 6 months ago that my wife was having an affair with a 20 year old and that destroyed me. In comparison, my first wife also cheated on me, but I took my twin 5-year old daughters and left, never looked back. But this time, something was different; I couldn’t be the strong independent man that wasn’t going to tolerate unfaithfulness. No, this time it rocked me to the core.

    My life as a teenager came flooding back; severe depression, attempted suicide, self-hatred, anorexia. “What…what was wrong with me?” I thought. I began researching my state of mind; am I bi-polar? Am I depressed? Am I just selfish and attention seeking? Am I an addict? I was able to make a self-diagnosis; all of the symptoms fit like a puzzle. I’ve concluded that I suffer from Borderline Personality Disorder. BPD has traditionally been reported as a female disorder, but I know now that this is mainly due to the stigma of showing emotions as men. My father grew up during the Great Depression, so I was reared with a very traditional, or old fashioned, set of beliefs. As such, I learned to stuff; and stuff I have done with great frequency and abandon. I stopped talking because every time I shared my mind or my heart with other people I was basically punished for doing so. This caused me to retreat inward, to seek refuge within that which I hated the most; myself.

    Back to today, and my wife and I are working on our marriage. I love her and I hate her, but we’re still together. Everything that you’ve written is almost verbatim some of the things that I’ve been told: I need to be more intentional with my thoughts, I need to spend more time in God’s word, I need friends, and, most importantly, I’m being selfish and I better not even think about killing myself. Shame. Heaps and heaps of shame piled on top of my mental state in an effort to bury it rather than understand it. Its all in my head, basically, and if I was a better husband/father/Christian I wouldn’t be having these issues. I also have some pretty significant sexual baggage which she discussed with numerous people (including the two major families) in our church. She claimed it was to seek wisdom; but of was wisdom about me and not wisdom for me. I was mortified and felt like I couldn’t look anybody in the eyes again; our pastors, our counsellor, her friends. Since then I’ve been actively ignored by others in the church; numerous times I’ve been around our pastor’s wife and she won’t even acknowledge my presence. So, all of those emotions that I’ve been pulling out for the past year have been going right back in. Stuff it down, shut up, and put a smile on my face. She wants to be part of the “in” crowd at church, and if I was a better person, more outgoing, and more open then she would be. It’s all my fault; I am inadequate.

    Within the past year I’ve sworn off alcohol completely, after seeing what its done to my mother. I don’t smoke tobacco or do any hard drugs, although I have smoked cannabis pretty much since I was 16. That, along with, leaving home at 16, I feel is what has really made a positive impact in my life. Cannabis also helps with a laundry list of other problems that I have as well, including anorexia, nausea, seizures (they run in my dads side of the family), sleep apnea, arthritis, depression, anxiety, and Crohn’s, just to name a few. However, even though my wife says she knows it helps me, she hates to see me do it because she says that I addicted and she feels that I’m just “doing whatever I want to do” and that makes her want to do whatever she wants to do and sleep with random guys. I’ve always been supportive of and non-condemning of her pack-a-day cigarette habit, even though, in financially difficult times, she has chosen to buy cigarettes instead of spending that money on food for our family (feeding 7 kids is one heck of a grocery bill). I have only been supportive and loving and have allowed her to stay home, raising and homeschooling our children, and this is how I’m treated? With disdain and contempt. I work 10 hours a day, and the primary cook in the family, and get on average 2 hours of sleep a night. But, according to her I’m not a good father because I’m not doing enough. I don’t feel like a husband, I feel like an ATM.

    So here I am today. I’ve been free from cannabis for 2 weeks now, and have also quit drinking coffee, because, much like my wife’s reasons for hating cannabis, I am addicted and I enjoy coffee. Since those two criteria apply to coffee and caffeine as well, then that must mean I need to give up coffee as well. It’s the last thing that I’ve given up that I feel gave me identity as she seems to hate everything that I am, love, and identify with. I work in IT, but she hates when I’m on the computer; if I dona quick google search then, according to her, I’m on my computer “all the time.” She’s recently told me that she hates me having my own laptop that “nobody else has access to.” I run Linux and use it for programming and development mostly and I don’t let anybody else use it because, well, seven kids.

    On top of that, I’ve recently taken an ethnicity DNA test and found out that almost everything that I thought I was, I’m not, and everything that I’ve been born to despise, I am. I’ve always been told that I was Native American, Italian, and French. Come to find out, I’m mostly British. I have nothing left that I love, no hobbies, no interests, and no way to escape the fact that I have no idea who or what I am.

    “Well, you’re a child of the one true King….”

    Shut up with your generic canned responses. I’m a mess, a disaster. I truly believe that God doesn’t make mistakes, so then what am I?

    I haven’t really eaten anything in the past two weeks. Anorexia is my self-harm. I’ve lost almost 20 pounds and have had to tighten my belt two notches. I work out like crazy, and have been getting a load of compliments. I don’t smoke (anything) and I don’t drink coffee anymore. I am just kind of waiting to die and looking good while I do it. I can’t take the pain and anguish anymore and every day just brings me one step closer to being an active participant in my demise. I can’t do this; I cant be expected to do all of this “emotional heavy lifting” without any support and without it affecting those around me. I’ll just go back to stuffing so that maybe suicide isn’t my most prevalent thought 24/7. I think I’m going to call off my therapy as well; I get so excited that I’m going to be making progress only to be disappointed when the focus of a session has to do with my favorite colors or some such. Life was so much easier when I wasn’t trying to be a better Christian, husband, father, and person.

    I just can’t help but think how much better my life will be with a shotgun shell to the head. Will I finally be at peace? Will I be free of the living Hell that is my every waking moment? I know my wife will be much happier with a fat life insurance payment and the freedom to go out and be as promiscuous as she wants to be. It’s almost selfish to make her have to continue to endure a life with me, when I think about it.

    Thank you, Sarah, for your compassionate and caring heart. You’re truly a light for Christ on this dark world.

    1. Beth

      Ryan,

      I’ve spent some time in the comments section today and have found it very comforting and therapeutic.

      Having said that, I want you to know that I read your post — the whole thing, and I found myself tearing up, laughing, but mostly admiring your honesty and transparency.

      You sound like a good man. I hope that you are well and that you are still here. I just felt led to reach out to you to tell you that I see you — that I hear you and that I hope you have found some relief from your stressors. Your sister in Christ. 🙏🏻

  103. Thank you for sharing this! This is probably the best article I’ve read about Christians with depression who are suicidal!! I dealt with my depression from age 15 until I was 62. At age 60 I fell apart and hit rock bottom, even with 10 years of psychiatric care, taking multiple antidepressants and anti anxiety drugs. Group Therapy was most helpful but not a cure. Christmas Eve, 5 years ago, a young lady I did not know, who had just graduated from college with a degree in music wanted to pray for me. I was changed that night. I may be a rare but highly blessed Christian who was instantly healed. No more depression, anti-depressants or psych doctors. I started a small study group for people going through what I had experienced for so long, called Restored Hope. I have seen people changed. I started a Facebook page for the group which now has 244 followers and some posts get 500-700 views. You can find it here: https://www.facebook.com/restoredhopes

  104. Maureen

    I’m a psychiatric professional. I’ve also dealt with the Devil of depression and anxiety. Growing up, I never felt any love from my parents, only rejection. I will tell you that when I talk to people long enough, many, many times deep seated rejection is the reason for their issues. It’s pain that is buried deep. It comes out as bullying, drug abuse, alcoholism, hate, depression, anxiety, anger issues. I’m a sprit-filled, tongues-speaking Christian. I, like Sarah, know all the verses. I speak them daily over my life. But, like for those with high blood pressure and diabetes, the medication I take, the same type I prescribe to my patients, helps me more than anything.
    Having a disease in the brain is no different than having a disease of the colon or of the heart. The brain is an organ. It can be sick, acutely or chronically. The problem in my line of business is that I cannot take your brain out, examine it, and put it back in. If you go to the doctor with a sore throat, she can look at it, swab it, grow a culture plate and make a more objective diagnosis. The majority of data for a mental illness diagnosis comes from subjective information. This leads to misdiagnosis a lot of the time in the beginning stages. Someone with Borderline Personality disorder looks a lot like a bipolar person. But there is no medication for a personality disorder. It’s trial and error a lot and the medications don’t work overnight. There is a new DNA test that will help to find the right medication but it is expensive and most private insurance will not cover it. And it is not 100% accurate. The best advice I can give to my patients is to take your medication as ordered and go to therapy- often. And stick with it for at least 6 mos. We want a quick fix to everything. It’s just not that way with the brain.

  105. Ray Marconi

    Please try to talk nicely if to those who are not sharing your opinion

    1. Lourdes

      This isn’t not about a matter of opinion. This is about life and death. Millions die each year needlessly in part thanks to ignorance like that. You may be okay with the death of innocents . I’m not.

  106. Elena

    I’m very alone and confuse. Constantly I’m thinking in kill my cell and look for ways how to kill myself. Please I need help and somebody with I can talk

  107. wilfredWilson

    My name is wilfred im a Indian small Financial problems is affecting me no one can help me suffering to much I’m a helpless father ……..
    I don’t want live here definitely I want to go father God hand amen.

  108. Anonymous

    Does it matter if you’re not a Christian or catholic and just believe in a higher power?

  109. Anonymous

    Does it matter if you’re not a Christian or catholic and just believe in a higher power?

  110. E.M.

    I found this blog post when I googled “I want to die but I don’t want to commit suicide” and the headline caught my eye because I am also a Christ-follower. Thank you for this. Right now, life feels too difficult. Healing, and all the other things I want in my life, feel too impossible or far away. Despite Jesus’ words about abundant life, I seemed to be destined for nothing but continual failure and confusion. Everything inside of me hurts and nothing feels worthwhile anymore. But after reading this I feel slightly less alone.

    1. Cat U

      Oh, you are not alone at all. I am a Christ follower, have 4 amazing kids, and a grandkid, just found a job that pays decent, attend an awesome church but still struggle mightily with wanting to die. Like you I don’t want to commit suicide just don’t want to be here anymore. The mental torment I endure is excruciating. I just don’t have time, money, or strength to seek out professional help but reading this I know I really need to! I hope you and I both will. Prayers and love!

  111. Lourdes

    Dear E.M., I empathize. That’s how I feel as well. I’m having a bad night. I was fine all day, and then this wave of fear, sadness, panic and failure hit me out of nowhere. If you’re not seeing a doctor and/or therapist, I suggest you do so promptly. The fact that you Googled that shows you’re depressed but want to get better. Benjamin Franklin once said, “God helps those who help themselves.” If God has given us doctors and therapists, let’s use them to get better. Depression is not all in your head. Please, seek help. Fight back so you can live your best life! Lourdes

  112. Anonymous female

    I’m a Christian. I want to die.
    I sat alone in my room last night, suffering the worst panic attack I’ve had in almost a year. And no one came to check on me. They could hear me, but no one cared. None of my friends responded to my texts asking to talk. I’ve never felt so alone in all my life.

    1. I’m so sorry you’ve been struggling 🙁 It’s so tough when you don’t have the support around you. But there are other ways to get the support you need, and you are so worth doing whatever it takes to get better <3 Here are a couple of resources that could be helpful right now.

      You can search for local therapists at Psychology Today
      You can text CONNECT to 741741 to talk to somebody anytime you're feeling desperate or overwhelmed, day or night. This is a free service.
      You can get unlimited access to a counselor via text, plus calls and video chats at http://www.faithfulcounseling.com
      You can also get unlimited video counseling/therapy at http://www.betterhelp.com or http://www.talkspace.com. You can also text/message with counselors whenever it’s convenient, so you don’t even have to leave the house for it.

      Take good care of yourself <3

  113. Kara

    I just lost my fiance ..my soulmate..11 days ago ..i have prayed to God to find me someone who wouldnt hurt me..love me make me laugh.. it took me 51 years to find him to be happy..we just started a business..he was a perfect gift.why does God hate me. My whole life has been painful and miserable ..i met michael and my darkness felt whole..why cant god leave people alone if there hurt ..fix them…let them go on with there lives allow them to live .i really want to go be with him..this is one pain i cannot handle..i have to start over..i have no money ..no job..there was no will..whats the use..people say oh itll be hard… youll get over it …with time..you know what..i dont want to get over it bc i dont want to go through this..how am i suppose to cope on a new job..it would be easier to die without it being suicide so i can go be with him..

  114. Anonymous

    I’m in high school and I constantly feel the need to die. My life is pretty good but I just don’t want to live anymore. I know I don’t really want to die but I see no other option. I’ve started physically hurting myself recently because I’ve never told anyone this and I find it frustrating to keep all of my feelings to myself. I don’t know what to do.

  115. Lynn

    Thank you for your honesty as what I read is keeping me here yet another night. I don’t want to be here anymore, but I googled & read your pain & totally related. I know I made the right choice over the 45. Thank you, thank GOD & I pray I have the strength 2 get more help, because Sr., counselor, certainly not hubby of 25 painfuly toxic yrs dont seem 2 get it . Just thanks again Sarah.

  116. Mr phil

    My best Term for Life is LIFE SUCKS! Why it started at about 4 years old. I was at the beach with my family my parents sitting on the end of the peer as I was contemplating jumping in to end it! Any way My parents found me there when it was time to go home and asked me what I was doing and I said I was thinking about jumping in as they didnt love me.. think they denied it and shrugged it off so I got up and went home. Kind of irrelevant but at about 5 an interesting thing happened long story made short I was electrocuted by playing with a lamp in a swimming pool almost to death my brother unplugged the lamp as I could not let go of it, as we were taught to if ever we were in that situation. Any way I believe God was the only reason I lived on. Although my thoughts lately are to shamefully tell God regularly I wish He Would have allowed me to die than and there. You may ask Why as I said before Life Sucks. I joined the US Marines at just weeks after my 18th Birthday. As I lived a life of cybil combat with my older Bro. all my life as He was My Parents Dads Mostly, Favorite and I was there worse nightmare. literally I had issues with sleep and was tormented by being made to sleep on the floor…. The worse thing still was I lived a life of never being good enough for my dad… nothing i did i got punished for things my brother did… and could never get my dads approval… if I did even a little bit. My older Bro would make sure it didn’t last because he always made sure he did everything better than me and FIRST even if i had started first and he never had the same interest on his own he was first and better than me. . Kinda now reminds me of an eagles nest with two eaglets and one will kill the other off the youngest by not allowing it to eat and pecking it every time it tries until it dies. Also now later in life I found out why I was a failure in Catholic school. I was a C and D student and struggled thru school. My Bro was c And B student. In the 50’s they knew nothing about ADD but it does seem I was one of them freaks too. Struggling with that not knowing all my life till being put back in third grade twice
    recently being diagnosed in my late 60’s. So going on I dropped out of school at 10th grade I failed as I no longer cared. yet I did get straight a’s in my favorite two classes Wood and Metal shop and gym also. I liked working with my hands out with weights. . But I was unable to handle high school basic classes. I only liked one thing Playing Drums! so it took precedence in my last years of school. my mom got a loan and I worked after school job to make payments to pay for them as mom said i could.. I played in bands as a teen and taught myself to play. the only Christmas Gift i remember was a Snare Drum and sticks to play on it. at around 14 years old. and my Bro didn’t do music instruments. sorry getting to lengthy here! any way a long story short I have had two marriages my first one was one sided she took my daughter and ran when my daughter found me in 1997 at 27 it too tuned out a waist she should not have bothered. in 1994 I had a back surgery and a second worthless one that put me in a wheelchair .. I did ok for a year and depression hit… than i was sent locked up to a psyco dr who made me his experiment and I ended up even worse on his drugs. moving along as i could write a book. I been treated like garbage by caregivers and there companies had hippa laws broken and gone thru morphine with drawls twice so i now enjoy living in pain mocked by doctors. been ill now seriously am dying a slow death of what i believe is either bone or lung cancer. drs avoid me like the plague… and now I dont and wont go seek one ever again… I converted to true Christianity in 1983 this is the only reason i remain on earth as I don’t fear man but I fear God and try to keep my faith in tact. I worry if i ever screwed up and took my life I would go to Hell.. so I live day to day praying and begging God to take me out. and so i get to live in the shame of living a life where i feel hes left me a long time ago and is punishing me. sorry for the rant! but you Bi polar depression article that I have lived made me remember all my great life. see so now I feel sin again as I murmur and live in self pity….

  117. Rebecca

    Thank you so much for writing this.
    I have used this to help my friends and loved ones understand what Im battling through. I was recently hospitalized for my depression and suicidal thoughts and This blog post has helped those around me see what I can’t put to words myself. I can’t thank you enough!

  118. Anonymous

    I am a doctor and have read this article from both point of views -medical and spiritual. And I am completely disagree with the author. As more our society rushing in to a progress as more we keep moving into a bigger problems. Studies saying that third world countries has less percentages of depression. Even in the near past, people didn’t have antidepressants and the rates of suicides was dramatically less from what we have.

    All we have here to help us and that is worse following- it’s Bible. Bible it’s our Manual of life. All the answers are there.
    Here just couple of them:
    “A merry heart does good, like medicine, But a broken spirit dries the bones.”
    ‭‭Proverbs‬ ‭17:22‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

    God said “ for the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and PEACE and JOY in the Holy Spirit.”
    ‭‭Romans‬ ‭14:17‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

    “…For indeed, the kingdom of God is within you.””
    ‭‭Luke‬ ‭17:21‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

    “But the fruit of the Spirit is love, JOY, PEACE, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,”
    ‭‭Galatians‬ ‭5:22‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

    From that we can clearly see, IF the Kingdom of God is within us- those are the fruits we will bare. There is no other way. So the the answer we found in the Bible is to look for that Kingdom of God and we WILL have JOY and PEACE!!!
    “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”
    ‭‭Matthew‬ ‭6:33‬ ‭NKJV‬‬

    This is spiritual problem not so much physical and the presents of it is an indication of the Kingdom of God is still far away. Pills will not heal it, they might help temporary, without digging the root out.

    Everybody seek God differently and there is NO protocol how to find Him. BUT, there is a promise from the only One we can trust
    “And you will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me WITH ALL YOU HEART.”
    ‭‭Jeremiah‬ ‭29:13‬ ‭NKJV‬‬
    http://bible.com/

    God bless you!

    1. Anonymous

      With all due respect, you don’t get to cherry pick the Scriptures. David, Job, Elijah, and many others — men of God suffered through bouts of despair, anguish…even desire for death.

      You are wrong. You are ignorant. I pray you educate yourself before continuing to spread such damaging ignorance.

  119. Stu

    Hi Sarah
    I just read this and couldn’t stop crying. I relate to every single word. Thank you so much.

  120. Rich

    I’ve had a life time of pain so far, I’m 52 I’ve never had a good thing happen to me, really and it’s not a choice or a life style. My days of waiting one more day, for a better day are growing short. Because there not coming I know it sounds like I’m depressed I’m not, but my life has been depressing. I had no father, I’ve been set on fire my skin not my clothes, I’ve had a finger ripped off my body,
    my brother died, I don’t have a good mother, And had no love life I’m ugly. I don’t know why I’m still here any more, there isn’t much reason to stay. It’s not that I’ve had a a bad day or a bad week or a bad year. I’ve had a bad life it’s like a bad dream that you don’t wake up from. Why would GOD let me suffer so much for such a long time, it’s not right or fair. If I know my life would of been like this as a kid I would of killed myself …

  121. Lori

    Hi Sarah. Thanks for your story. This is where I am right now.

  122. flek

    My best friend died and I moved into stress-cardiomyopathy.
    I was very healthy prior. I raised him since he was 12.

    I have no reason to continue. My cash flow is finished and I’m stuck in a 3rd world country.

    So I’m outta here.

    Reason, I need 300$ a month to live and that was just cut off 30 days after my friend died.

    As for any help, everyone is your brother until the rent comes due, no?

    -flek

  123. Mynhardt

    I am a young(ish) husband and father living in South Africa. I have only very recently been positively screened for Bipolar and Severe Depression. To be dead honest, I don’t think I have made peace with the fact that I am mentally ill yet. It is especially tough though, because I am currently living in so many of the aspects of Sarah’s story, waiting to see the Psyciatrist so that I can get meds. I am very much in Love with Jesus and He is the only thing I can hold on to right now, but like you said, unfortunately it does not take the pain away. I am extremely blessed with amazing people in our church community and a friend and business partner that also climbed into the darkness with me. He really saved me when there was no hope left, and he made a plan so that we, not just me, can manage this untill I get medication. I felt so alone and unique in my situation, but reading this has really meant so much to me. The article and comments of so many people that live victoriously is amazing, comforting and give me a lot of confidence! Thank you so much for sharing! I cannot wait to also stand one day and show what my God can do for me, so that He can help others as well. God bless you all, and God bless you Sarah!

  124. Cat U

    Dearest Sarah, thanks once again for being there! For the second night in a row I can’t find sleep though I’m extremely exhausted and desperately need to sleep. I am a deeply devoted Christian who has struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 17. I will be 48 this month. Everything you described is right on point. I find friendship on a deep level is difficult. When people see the smallest glimpse of the inside me they draw away or offer empty cliches which only deepen the guilt. That extreme level of exhaustion keeps my house in a mess which in turn adds to the depression but I can’t find the strength to get it conquered. I’m embarrassed to let anyone come over because I don’t want them to see the boxes still unpacked from when I moved in 6 months ago. I’ve downloaded the apps read the books and taken the classes on finances but my bank account continues to be overdrawn because that sluggishness keeps me from taking control; another source of shame. As a single mom of a teen and a tween, who just went through divorce, I have a new very demanding job, and finding time to seek help for my mental condition looks vastly overwhelming. I pray every day that a friend like you mentioned will come into my life because right now I feel very alone. I have turned to your writing as a source of inspiration. Thank you!

  125. Jc

    The church is the last place you will find help for anything. This medical issue stems from our medical system as well as our food system. Roundup along with thousands of other farm chemicals, are the real issue. However$$$ will not allow this secret to be revealed. Physicians have zero clue because they are simply pharmacists. They literally scoff at patients who know the facts.
    I’ve been mentally ill and suffered from severe auto immune issues for over 30 years. I have yet to get any answers. My thyroid went south in 2008, I have yet to find a physician who will even treat me. Lol. Medicine is a disgrace from my experience. I met 1 honest doctor who explained the truth to me, he helped me stay alive to this day.
    Autoimmune disease stems from the human gut, but medical
    Schools resist this truth, as it is not a profitable venture to heal.
    I’m a building contractor and am held to a hundred times higher standard than any physician. They can run you out of the office and still get paid. Lol.
    It’s a business folks, they’re not like Marcus Welby MD of the 70’s.
    Jesus showed me the truth, however I was neglected and ignored for so many years that my illness graduated beyond help.
    As a Christian I am ready to just die and let my wife and children/grandchildren have some peace. I welcome death to escape this hell I’ve lived in most of my life.
    Fellow believers were the first to condemn and abandon me when I relapsed several years ago, as was my entire family.
    By the way, I have type 1 bipolar, and all the meds make me hyper manic. I finally figured out why. When we get autoimmune or mental disease, we all develop food allergies. Milk is in every psych drug, which is a prime trigger for my mania and psychosis. Psychiatrists shunned me when I reacted to the meds. Wouldn’t even call me back!!!
    The medical system is a huge joke!!!

  126. Shannon

    This article was a great read! I do not battle depression or anxiety issues but one my very best friends does….she is a beautiful wife, she is funny and a caring mother of 6 amazing kids and she is battling RA….she sometimes “jokingly” makes comments in our conversations about “being done”, “they’ll be better off without me around”, “I just don’t want to be here anymore”, etc. I am grateful for the insites that your article and your story has to offer me so I can better direct and support her. Her family does love her and absolutely needs her….and I love her friendship so having her healthy and happy is important!! Thank you!!

  127. Christina

    Thank you Sarah, I’m glad that I’ve stumbled upon this article. I’ve struggled with anxiety, depression, and suicidal thoughts/plans for many years now. I’m 24 years old and looking back I can see that my depression started when I was 11. I was raised in a Christian family and I have a love for God. I spent 5 years on a worship team, so I know exactly what you mean when intrusive thoughts occur during those times when you’re serving God.
    I’ve been seeking help for a few years now, I haven’t found meds that work for me yet, but I go to therapy once a week. During my last session, the theme of loneliness came up when I was reflecting on my life. And despite my love and faith in God, I’ve had moments where I felt like he abandoned me. I know it’s not true, but praying and begging God to help me out of the darkness and still not feeling relief has left me feeling hopeless.
    I’ve questioned myself many times about how much I trust God. That maybe if I trusted him a little more then I’ll have a breakthrough. So then my prayers led to me asking for more faith and to help me really trust God. Still silence.
    I also understand that this is all for a purpose so that I can help others, and I get that, but how close to suicide do I have to be before God intervenes? What else am I supposed to learn from this? I’m not asking for a complete healing, I know that this is something I will always live with, but when will I be able to breathe? I’m still here so I know I still trust God. I’m feeling hopeless and I’m desparate.
    I’m just believing that one day things will change. It has to.

    1. Hey Christina,

      I so relate to your struggles. When you talk about wondering how close to suicide and how hard it has to get before God intervenes, I remember that feeling well. It’s a scary, hard, and dark place to be.

      I’m proud of you for going to therapy, still working on finding meds that help (that can be a really tough process!), and doing what you need to do to take care of yourself.

      Aside from those things, there were a lot of things God did in my heart in the darkness and the silence that I couldn’t understand. I wrote about some of that here: Dear God, thanks for not forcing wholeness on me. I experienced a lot of trauma as a child that played into my depression and beliefs about God abandoning me, not really loving me, and being cruel. It was a long, hard road of healing because God was so gentle and patient and moved at my pace, even though I wanted him to move faster.

      In the meantime, take very, very good care of yourself. Learn to fight for yourself, to speak kindly to yourself, and to fill your soul with good and life-giving things. Learn to have boundaries, to take time for yourself, to eat well and get good sleep and move your body in a way that feels good to you. You are worth absolutely everything it takes to get well, Christina.

      I also talked a bit about finding hope in the darkness – maybe it will be helpful and encouraging for you <3 How to find hope in the darkness of depression

  128. Chris

    Hi Sarah, I enjoyed reading what you wrote. Going through some rough times myself and was just wondering if you could email me so I could get some advice on how to get through certain things. Thanks

  129. Melissa

    I have no friends to turn to, I attend church but I can’t feel God’s presence. I have no energy or strength to live the day. Nobody knows that I’m struggling, nobody cares. The person I loved most is hurting as well because of me. I want to die and I prayed to die.

  130. Brandy Wright

    thank you for this i pray it helps me as i have been planning to exit this life. i am in drug treatment and feel so numb i am tired of mental health hospitals, but i am afraid to die thatss why i am still here. i am in a big community with other addicts with mental health issues but still feel alone. i feel like a burden on everyone even God. i cut but it nolonger helps. i fear they will find me dead here i continue to pray. i feel so alone inside and out. im just tired. i feel like im in a fog like im moving in slow motion.
    pray that God wins

    1. I’m so sorry, Brandy, to hear you’re struggling and hurting so much. I know the feeling of being a burden so well, but I promise that is not true. You are not a burden, least of all to God, and you are so deeply loved. Please tell your doctors how you are feeling. You are worth whatever it takes to get better.

  131. The hotline hung up on me.

    How useless is that?

    Totally isolated. There are no lights in my life. The woman who was supposed to be my help was my murderer. She slayed my very soul through abuse and stole my five year old daughter.

    I hate! I want to see painful death.

    And I don’t care anymore if it is my own.

    1. Lourdes

      Benjamin, I’ve been in your shoes. They also hung up on me several times. Please go to the ER. Please! For yourself and your daughter. She needs a healthy, happy dad in her life. They will help you. Your mental health has to be in good shape if you are to see her and continue fighting. Going to the ER saved my life. It also shows maturity and a true wish to get better. Please! Tell them you’re suicidal and the hotline hung up on you. If you go on your own it’s easier. I hope you heed my advice. I will also be praying for you.

  132. LoriBeth

    I felt the depths of true hopelessness. I cried out to Jesus for a reason to live. I needed a goal. “Keep Breathing. Your goal…just take one breath.” He gave me a song. Keep Breathing by Ingrid Michaelson. I listened to it to help me take one more breath. My life has been one torment after another. I been on all the drugs, seen all the therapists, and spoke on my knees, yet still there is no joy due to what I am surrounded with on a daily bases. So I just focus on Jesus as He said, just hang on. “I know the plans I have for you…” Sometimes, in the mist of yet another person in my life telling me I am worthless, I just take a breath… and hopefully one day, all the words of Jesus telling me what I mean to Him…will one day sink in. It’s nice to know, that I am not alone and it is alright to love and accept my sad self, depressed self, as who I am. That spoke volume to me from the comments. Jesus loves this sad, depressed, miserable person, why couldn’t I?

  133. sue

    Mostly everyone who responded is correct. Mental health treatment is only for the rich. there are no clinics, or meds that are affordable. When they say NO ONE CARES, that could not be closer to the truth. People who could afford help out there on the web make us or least me feel like just press the red button and everything will be okay. It does not work that way. And if you think it does you are sadly mistaken. Suicidal hotline rep fell asleep while I was talking. So everyone who talks about all there help out there needs to shut up and move on.
    It for the rich or for people who come from that type social class.

    1. Hi Sue,

      I’m sorry to hear you’ve had such negative experiences. I’ve had my fair share, as well (I didn’t find a good therapist until the 5th one I met with).

      I don’t have insurance and am not rich by any means. I see a therapist on a sliding scale, I go to a low-cost clinic that’s also on a sliding scale, and I pay out of pocket for my meds. For those of us who are struggling financially, many communities have low-cost options for mental health treatment. And I use the GoodRX card to get discounts on my meds to save money. I wind up paying about $30/month for 2 medications.

      There is no magic button to push and fix everything. It is hard work and it can be difficult to find people to help. But it is possible and it is so worth it ❤️

  134. Lourdes

    Wrong. Through the patient assistance program many pharmaceutical companies give away for free their meds to people who qualify. Walmart also currently has several mental health meds available for $4/month. There are clinics that charge on a sliding scale up to and including $0 for treatment for those who qualify. There are many programs out there. Contact NAMI and find out what is available in your state.

  135. I became a Christian 41 years ago, and am thankful to be made a member of God’s family, but I have suffered for years with major depression. Served in the military twice, attended a vet support group after returning home. Sometimes life seems to hold purpose, but I am going to trust God to help me when I go thru the rough times, and feel my life is over.

    1. Anonymous

      thank you for the help i’m going to think more about this

  136. Benjamin Hirt

    I am so desperately praying that He takes me home. I am so f-ing done with my pain! Loss of my five year old daughter through parental alienation is way too much to handle.

    1. So broken

      I pray for him to take me every day

  137. I found your article at the right time. God is good. Thank you for opening your heart and sharing your wisdom. Bless you

  138. Jason T

    I googled “if to die is gain, why can’t I commit suicide?” and there under the prevention hotlines was your article. Crying but still processing it. I know I’m saved but I feel like a complex case. I’m a 50 yr old bachelor never been loved or in a relationship I’ve been celibate almost 10 yrs as I used to be gay until I had a divine experience where God asked me so lovingly to stop & I did. Almost 15 yrs since I asked Jesus info my heart & the depression I had in my teens is worse, I have suicidal thoughts & fantasize about dying. The loneliness has been worse than cancer which I’ve had a couple times and it’s so much easier to be in solitude than sit with all the couples in church or be part of the world where love is always on display. People that love me either tell me to find a man to date or tell me it’s basically my fault I’m still gay; that I’m blocking my own healing. I don’t want to stop running the race I want to please God I want to follow Jesus but I’m so fundamentally discouraged. I take my meds. I just want to say thank you. Your article you get it. Sometimes you just want someone to understand what it’s like and I know you do. Thank you for sharing your experience with us. God bless you & keep you.

    1. Lourdes

      OH, Jason, honey, are you in therapy? You need to be and you should really go to a local hospital ER and seek urgent treatment. Depression is a real illness and needs real help. Google Rachel Helen Evans. God would NEVER ask you to be someone other than the person He created. Please, promise you’ll seek help tonight. Or tomorrow at the latest. Your not living your true life or the person He created. That’s one of the reasons you’re so miserable. Remember to Google her and I’ll be praying for you.

      1. Jason T

        Thank you Lourdes for your prayers and thank you for replying to my post. Your kindness is appreciated more than you know

        1. J

          Jason, you’re the man and I love you. Be encouraged

          1. Kim

            I have been encouraged by reading these posts, thank you

  139. Keith

    Jason,
    I completely agree with Sarah.You should accept that God created you as gay,and self-loathing a key part of who you are is causing much of the depression.You need to love and accept who you are.You’ll never have any peace or self-confidence until you do.
    I’m gay too,Jason,and also a devout Christian. I’m in your age group also.Please PM me if you’d like someone to talk to.I also had a powerful experience with the holy spirit.On new year”s day 2012, I had a baptism in the spirit that lasted all day.I was crying unceasingly with joy all day,because I just felt drowned in God’s love.I felt so unconditionally loved and accepted, and I heard God say,more than once, say “love is NOT sin,sin is not love” and then “I created you as you are,gay, to love in this way.I will NEVER let you go”.
    After believing gay love wasn’t sin,I finally KNEW that loving someone of the sane sex is not a sin,in fact it is a gift from God.
    Thinking logically,how can loving a member if the same sex,and expressing that love in mind,body and spirit be a sin?
    Trust me,the biblical passages used to condemn gay people are about abusive sex or pagan idolatry,and many good theologians accept this.
    Ignore so called “friends” who tell you to “try harder” not to be gay.They are cruelly misinformed.Sexual orientation is a given.Most of the ‘ex gay ministries” failed to change anyone from gay to straight.
    Please accept yourself.God loves you so so much,and created you as a gay man,with the same need for love and companionship as everyone else.
    Please hang on,and PM me if you’d like to talk.Plenty of people here care about you and are here for you.

    1. Jason T.

      Thank you Keith. After studying apologetics & just really trying to understand what God wants of me (holiness) I arrived at the conclusion that God’s Will would never contradict God’s Word. He reminds me He is no respecter of persons and if one breaks part of the Law, he has broken all of it. Meaning homosexuality is no worse than gossiping or lying to God; there’s no hierarchy of sin other than what man creates. I don’t know if I can ignore what I truly believe is a calling personally given to me by God. I’d certainly enjoy more conversation with you. Thank you so much for responding. I can feel the concern in your words

      1. Keith

        Thanks Jason
        I’m sure God’s will for you wouldn’t be the kind of soul-destroying loneliness you describe.When God’s will is done our lives we have “prace, love and joy”-“life and life abundant”.In all honesty, that doesn’t sound like where you are.
        Also God’s word needs to be understood in context,it sounds like you come from a literalistic church perspective. The word ‘abomination’ for example, refers to idolatrous worship,and in Levitivus it’s the homoerotic idolatrous practices of neighbouring tribes..This is also the case with Romans 1:24-28.It doesn’t describe my sexualitu-I didn’t “give up desire for women” or ” worship made made images’
        “.Did you?
        As far as the law goes,wr’re under the new covenant of grace,where “all of the law is love”.
        All I can do is to share my experience of God’s love and acceptance that I received in that epithany with he holy spirit.
        Please get in touch if you’d like to continue this, as it’s not really the forum for an independent discussion on this issue.I am concerned you may have received toxic and unhealthy teaching from some church or other,which has hurt you.
        Please take care.

  140. Jason T.

    Thank you for your prayers. That means a lot to me. I’m going to read some of Mrs Evans’ work too.

  141. Elizabeth Anne

    Jason T, I appreciate so much your desire to stand by the Word of God, and infinitely more importantly, so does the author of that Word. I commend you for that because remaining faithful to God’s precepts is difficult for all of us, and it’s especially not easy in a day when so many are encouraging us to fashion gods of our own making, with “rules” we like.

    I agree with you wholeheartedly that all sin is horrific in God’s estimation, and it’s also true that heterosexuals grapple with the same temptations to sin, whether it be fornication if they’re single or adultery if they’re married. I’ve failed in this area myself; to this day I deeply regret my sin, though I know it has been forgiven. I am so proud of you for not giving in to temptation when so many do! How I wish I had that testimony…it is worth more than gold.

    I also want to encourage you that other believers go through the same difficulties you’ve experienced and are still experiencing, no matter what their sexual orientation. I’m a little older than you and I’ve struggled with depression off and on my whole adult life, and so many others that have commented on this article have as well. I’m married and I’m more lonely than I’ve ever been in my life.

    One thing that has helped me tremendously is doing what I know I should be doing, whether I feel like it or not. I Samuel 2:30 says, “Them that honor me, I will honor,” and I can’t think of a better way to show honor to the LORD than to obey Him when everything in me is resisting that. I feel certain that He honors it by drawing me into closer fellowship with Himself, which is ultimately the only thing that truly satisfies our souls.

    “‘Thou hast made us for thyself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it finds its rest in thee.’ I’m already praying for you, dear brother, that you will find your rest in Christ.

    1. Lourdes

      People who are homosexual are born that way. It’s not a choice. If God created them as such, you are no one to tell God He made a mistake. Also, if you’re a Christian, it is the New Testament you should focus on. A book written 1000s of years ago by by flawed human beings shouldn’t be what you base your life on.

      Read Rachel Held Evans who wrote, “I thought God wanted me to teach gays how to be straight. Instead gay people taught me how to be a Christian!”

      Jason, embrace and love the way God made you.

      1. Jason T.

        Lourdes I totally understand what you’re saying. God showed me over time that ‘why do you believe Me here but not over here? Is not every word of My Word God-breathed? Do you not see My Son never contradicted My Word or My Will in His time on earth? He repeated & affirmed My Word & My Will.’ So for me it was a deeply soul digging question…do I believe all of His Word? Not just the parts I like. I’ve told my friends yes you were born that way whether it was straight, gay, whatever you were born with a sinful nature. We all need Jesus because sin is also an ontological condition meaning it’s who we are not just what we do. Jesus & the Father are very clear on what constitutes as sin. The good news is when we accept Jesus & have that heart transformation, we don’t just get a new nature. We get the Holy Spirit which empowers us to follow Jesus and live as He did. So sitting & waiting on the Holy Spirit, I had to ask if I believe all of His Word is God-breathed and I do then who am
        I to think I can pick and choose which parts of His Word I’m going to obey. Thank God that understanding has followed obedience. His Word is timely & timeless. It’s not outdated or antiquated. It’s not my word to change so I don’t & I won’t. Though I may be tempted to.

        1. Elizabeth Anne

          You are amazing, brother, and I have the utmost respect for you. I will pray for you earnestly that the LORD will meet your needs as only He can.

        2. Lourdes

          Benjamin Franklin said, “God helps those who help themselves.” It’s obvious you’re ready to help yourself. God gave each of us a brain and allowed that magnificent organ to study and discover the wonders of this world. Why then deny this? Science is part of God’s wonderful creation. Taking the entire bible literally is a fool’s errand. Only in American Evangelism does this happen today. This folly is causing great pain to good people like you. You accept God’s word as told to you by men, but then deny the science that we’ve learned thanks to Him? Doesn’t make sense. If your faith is strong then you should be able to question it. Challenge it. Mine is intact and it’s been tested many times. But I embrace all gifts God gave us.

          See a therapist. God wants His children to be happy and be the people He wants them to be. Wasting your life by being miserable and not getting treatment, is a sin. Seek help. Then break free from these self-imposed chains and question your faith. Remember to read the brilliant Rachel Held Evans.

    2. Jason T

      Elizabeth that meant more to me than you’ll ever know. God bless you.

      1. Elizabeth Anne

        If there is some way we can connect without splashing our email addresses over the internet, I would be honored to be your friend.

      2. Kim

        You are so encouraging jason

  142. Karen

    I’ve struggled with depression all my life , but I also had a traumatic childhood. As an adult I’ve been depressed , but I never felt like I really wanted to die , to not wake up to another day , until I lost my Mom in Jan 2018 Nothing prepares you to lose a loved one , and the pain rips through my soul . We were very close and I watched her die.
    Two months later my daughter moved 3500 miles away , and the bottom just fell out of my world. Both shocked me even if my Mom has been sick and weak. I lost any ability to function. Eating was sparse and sleeping an escape from the pain. I’d call my sisters everyday and tell them I didn’t want to live anymore. I told many people. I couldn’t function .., I missed two months of work . When I went back to work my grief was still with me of course and it became a problem (?) so I lost a job I’d loved for 5 years ., I quickly found another job and lost that one too after 7 months. It was an unsafe situation there. After the second job loss , I went to a river with rapids going over the rocks. I stood on the embankment wondering how long it would take me to drown if I jumped in , how cold the water would be , if it would be painful. I was so done. What’s the point anymore ? The pain of losing my Mom and having two kids very far away is all consuming and I don’t feel any joy. It’s hard to endure more of this , day after day , after day. It’s never ending . I totally lost my identity. I still think about it often .. my kids are grown and gone and don’t need me anymore. Neither does my Mom. Life hurts too much. I can’t find a reason to continue I just don’t see any. The pain is surreal . The ER will medicate but nothing can make me feel like life is worth living.

    1. Elizabeth Anne

      Karen, your post breaks my heart. I know what it’s like to be where you are…I’ve been lonely most of my adult life, and a big part of that is I’ve lived away from my family most of my adult life. It’s hard. But one thing I’ve found that has helped me tremendously for years is looking for people who need help. This hasn’t always created friendships, but it has given me a great deal of satisfaction to be useful and helpful to someone. I’d rather be useful and helpful to my family, but there are so many lonely people in this world, everywhere I’ve lived, and they are usually very appreciative of any kindness done for them. I will pray for you, that you find someone who needs you – I promise you, they’re out there, all around you, and you could be a lifesaver for them. You have a purpose for being here!

  143. Frank Maritano

    I can understand how you feel Karen. But you still have a lot – compared to myself. You have family. Mine are dead. You have children. Do they hate you & chomping at the bit for you to die? My only child was kidnapped by her non custodian mother and raised to hate me. I blew $40k of my retirement contributions to try to get her back. You mentioned that you had jobs. So did I until I was seriously injured in a car accident, which ended two careers forever. I don’t remember what it was like to not be in pain – and left to suffer it because of a trumped up “opiate crisis”. I live on less than $1,000 a month, so I have no discretionary funds left over for anything. Forget about social encounters. I’m not trying to belittle you or what you are feeling. But you do have more than some of us. If you died in your sleep tonight, would anyone notice? Would anyone care? In my case, the answer is No to both questions. And trying to get decent pastoral care from the church – harder than finding the proverbial needle.

    1. Elizabeth Anne

      Frank, I’m sorry for your losses. I can’t imagine how difficult even just one of the things you mentioned would be. But I have to tell you, you may be wrong about thinking no one would notice or care if you died if your sleep tonight. Thirty years ago I moved to a rental house beside an elderly man who had just lost his wife. We hadn’t lived there long when he died…I didn’t even have a chance to get to know him. I have always had a terrible memory, but to this day I have never forgotten him; I still think about him and how sorry I am that he died alone. I’d be willing to bet there’s someone near you that could benefit from knowing you.

  144. Anonymous

    Hi, do you think someone Goes to Hell if they commit suicide? I want to do it the right way. Not hide, but explain my situation to loved ones before I go. Explain to them what’s going to happen and explain why. I have a rare chronic illness. It causes an excessive collagen build up which leads to fibrosis in my throat. It is horrible. It burns and aches and I’m losing hearing. Then end game is I won’t be able to even open my mouth. I have to escape this torture, but I do love God and my family. I just can’t continue to suffer. There is no cure in medical terms. I need to escape this but am afraid of hell.

    1. Jason T.

      Oh my friend. I am so sorry. I can not conceive of the pain you suffer through. So I’ll come with it straight. If you’re saved and I mean the whole nine; prayed to God, acknowledged you’re a sinner & all that being a sinner means, you’ve acknowledged who Jesus Christ is, what He did on the Cross, accepted Jesus into your heart, made Jesus the Lord of your life & had that heart transformation then God promises you will share in Christ’s inheritance and have eternal life with the Son & The Father. God keeps His promises. We can come just as we are to Jesus for salvation but we can not go just as we are to Heaven unless covered in the blood of Jesus; i.e. saved. I will ask that you try praying to God as if He is listening; He is and ask God to help you with this pain, with this condition. Let us pray for you as well. If you will trust God to save you from hell, trust in Him a bit a deeper a bit longer to guide you through this my friend. Reading many of the posts here, I see many wounded healers. People whose pain allows them to minister to others in pain in profound ways. God may have that calling in mind for you. Call out to Him and it doesn’t have to be fancy; just ask God for help. Don’t surrender. For many of us it’s day to day relying on His strength to get through each day. Please don’t give up. For me, the reality of the pain I’d cause my family, my friends has been enough to give me pause when I consider ending things. Your situation is beyond my comprehension but I believe in a God that creates miracles every day who loved us all so much He sent His only Son to heal the sick and gather the lost. He will hear you. I cry for you and I’ll pray for you.

      1. Anonymous

        Thank you for the reply. It was straight forward, informative, and compassionate. Thanks you so much. I will be honest. When I was young I truly believed in Christ and what he did for me. I committed my life to him. When I got older I did back slide. I felt I was missing out on fun and could dabble in the pleasures of the world while still keeping the core of who I knew I was. This was a fatal mistake and a lie I was deceived to believe. I had “big plans” to return to God and do all kinds of good things for Him. I know, that’s pretty screwed up theology, but that is how I felt. As I returned to my senses, and desperately wanted to return to who I was in Christ, I have not felt his hand on my life since. I have felt doomed by passages of Hebrews 6:4-10 and Hebrews 10:26-27. They seem exactly like what happened to my life. I was blessed with ability from God to use for his good, I fell into sin, I lost my health, and I never got the redemption story I expected I would receive. (Not that I am owed that, just how I felt at the time). Those verses in hebrews terrify me. I wish I was never born bc of them, like the Bible says some people will feel like. I do recall the redemption stories of the prodigal son, and pray I can be him. So I do not know where those chips are going to fall. I know this: 1) God made me and I will believe he loves me bc he says he does. 2) I am a broken sinful man who has made a mess of things. 3) I am suffering physically for reasons I do not understand. (I feel punished, but it’s completely possible God is my ally in this) 4) I know Jesus Christ and what he did on the cross is my ONLY shot at redemption. 5) I am thankful for that and I call on him to save me and know he is my only hope. 6) I don’t feel “blessed assurance”, but other than those things that I believe to be true, at this point I can’t do anything else to save myself. Jesus Christ is my only Hope.

        I pray that is enough. I do want to escape this physical torment. And I do want to do it with honor and not hide from family and friends. I do not know if I’m just sitting here in such pain I have become unable to think clearly, but that’s how I feel. I love my parents and sister and friends more than anything. I have so much shame towards these thoughts. But they are real. Thank you again for responding to me and speaking truth. God bless.

        1. I am heartbroken for you brother. But you have family. You have friends.

          My ex wife isolated me over 13 years. She, my family, and all my friends (especially so called Christians) betrayed me, devalued me, tossed me aside like dog shit, lied under oath and in court, stole my five year old daughter, and I have lost my job and everything that I knew as my life.

          All because I want to live in obedience to Jesus Christ. Fully.

          I have literally lost everything. Everyone.

          I could commit suicide and nobody would miss me. Nobody. Anywhere.

          Not one fucking soul will even know I was dead. There will be nothing to find because I can get away with it.

          But I will not be the one to off me.

          But I would welcome anyone to try it to me.

          You have people who love you. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and just be there as I was for the ones you love.

          I could possibly get my daughter back this summer but I am terrified of trying to raise her now. I can never go back to work my engineer job or career. That is over.

          All I have is God, and my faith in Jesus. I am essentially homeless living in a new RV trailer and fucking hate it.

          I hate my life intensely.

          I have gained it through righteousness holy suffering for eternity.

          I don’t know what that means anymore. I hear these words as a curse. My life of sixty years most definitely was cursed. All of it.

          I am having a hard time getting through each intensely emotionally painful day fighting the lies those evil butches put on me.

          I will not let the bitches win. I am and always have been a tenacious son of a bitch. I will keep my tenacity if it kills me.

          Hang in there brother.

          1. Anonymous

            Ben, I have no issue with your comment. And recognize I truly am blessed on this earth with the people that do love me! I just think you are underestimating the physical side of my issues. Mine is not just mental. As I type this inside my neck I feel an intense burning as my body battles with scar tissue due to excessive collagen which destroys the elasticity of cells. You are not wrong brother, I am blessed in many ways. I am just wagering that I’m at the end of my rope as far as dealing with this incurable suffering that month after month gets worse. I will pray for you brother, please pray for me. God bless.

        2. Jason T

          You. Are. The. Prodigal. Son!
          The Father has been waiting for you arms wide open. It is never too late. Your story is much like mine. I was the lamb that kept running away; distracted by the world yet God found me and welcomed me. Do not let your fear miss the joy God wants to let spring up in your heart through the power of the Holy Spirit. Know beyond doubt know beyond the voices in your head that God loves you & He has been wanting you to return to the fold. Not to punish you but to restore you. Sometimes it’s like I’m fighting to keep a grip on my faith because I forget God has me in His perfect embrace. God’s waiting for you to call out to Him. I love love this quote I heard in a sermon once and I’ll finish with that. You’re loved my friend. “Lord I crawled across the barrenness to You with my empty cup uncertain in asking any small drop of refreshment. If only I had known You better I’d have come running with a bucket.” -Nancy Spiegelberg

          1. Anonymous

            Thank you Jason. You’re comments have blessed me immensely.

  145. Benjamin Hirt

    I am not underestimating your pain brother. I have not disclosed my physical issues which are quite unbearable. I only want to set out that you are loved by people who don’t reject you.

    Living in pain is so much more bearable in your present situation. When everyone who you’ve loved and provided for over decades betray you and tosses you aside, then suicide just becomes a more clear option.

    If someone actually loved me I would not consider offing myself. Because of His love, though I rarely actually feel it, I am motivated to hang out and see what great blessings he has.

    I do not mean at all to minimize your physical pain. Trust me I know what physical pain is. I have endured the worst pain known to exist medically speaking hundreds of times and have been near death because of it.

    Please- if God has something for me, he has something for you, too. I will pray for you some more. Such as my prayer is at the moment.

    1. Anonymous

      I understand what you’re saying now and I agree. Thank you for the perspective. I suppose I actually agree. Sometimes I get so caught up in escaping my hell that I feel that way. Sometimes I am close to acting on it, but I have never crossed that line to this point. I believe your perspective will carry me a little further down the road. Thank you. It is true I have not face rejection, just lack of understanding. Which has crippled me, but it is true I do have ally’s. Thank you.

  146. Chad

    It is an odd feeling when the moment you need something most in your life, you get the opposite. Confusion and hatred only increase as I come closer to God. My troubles have only increased. What promise do we have to lean on that has been truly fulfilled to the modern Christian?

    1. Read Mark 10:17-31. The more we give up the more persecution along with blessings.

      This is what keeps me going.

      We are never promised easy. In fact we are to take up our crosses, and carry his burden. Take his light yoke.

      I am not experiencing the real peace through my own pain but I am convinced he will give it. He will restore one hundred times.

      He did for me in 2004. He will again soon enough. Though I am intensely in pain both physical and emotional, I know he has not left me though if feels like he has.

      I wrote about it on my website in 2004. Follow the menu under features at the bottom Amazing Grace.

      I am living a crucible again even worse than 2002-2004. And yet I have been provided so much more than last time. Yet technically I am a homeless unemployable software engineer going through horrible divorce as target of parental alienation and spuusal and maternal and sibling abuse. I suffer severe CPTSD and am terrified of getting close to anyone.

      My entire life and circle before a year ago betrayed me beyond human reason. My so called Christian friends led the attacks with the greatest ferocity believing the lies.

      I am utterly isolated and not at all comfortable in town unless singing karaoke. Which I cannot bring myself out to do often enough.

      I pray daily to go home. Yet here I am waiting for whatever YHWH has around the corner. I only know it is there, and it is better than I just lost.

      So I stay my hand.

  147. Benjamin Hirt

    I have been provided*

  148. Sister

    When I’m at the bottom looking up (like now), I turn to the Psalms of David; journal; call a caring family member; or meet up with a caring friend. When I’m afraid of wearing them out, I make an appt with a therapist.

    Currently, I’m going through EMDR, which is helpful for those who’ve got PTSD…. from serving in the military or from encountering some form of abuse.

    I’ve had very little luck with antidepressants; have tried about 7-8. Good thing is, there are a lot of options. If one doesn’t work, try the other. If one is making you feel horrible, call the doctor. If they won’t help you find another medication, try to ask for another doctor or a psychiatrist. THAT’S THEIR JOB; REMIND THEM.

    1. God does love you, whether you sense it or not. Many people, loved and called by God, have gone through severe depression and hopelessness. So, don’t discount your life! It’s NOT a sign that you’re abandoned by God.

    2. King David was brutally honest with God about his feelings. He got it out! Read through the Book of Psalms. Make his words YOUR words. Don’t rush. Take your time. Tell God how you feel.
    Is this a magic pill that will erase every care? No. But, I can guarantee you, as you chrew on God’s word, you will find strength to carry on.

    3. Get out in the sun. That’s so important. If you’re lacking sunshine, find a good D vitamin, and take it daily with food. A good multi-vitamin is also helpful.

    4. Folic acid helped alieviate some of my depression, but I ended up with heightened anxiety, so it works for some, but may not work as well for anxious people.

    5. Journal. Does it sound too feminine? Get over it! Write down your pain, your sorrow. If you wake up at night with a nightmare, write it down. Worried? Write it down.

    6. Find a therapist or someone to talk to. There may be a men’s or women’s support group you can attend, where others know what you’re going through. Celebrate Recovery is around the globe, as well as AA. Both are places where people are facing their demons. Whether that be an addiction to people, substances, material things, internal pain, whatever. It’s for humans.

    7. If you have PTSD, talk to the VA or your insurance company and find a therapist who has treated people with this, and knows EMDR.

    If you’re unsure if you have PTSD, take a free online screening (like this one: https://adaa.org/screening-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd).

    PTSD can really mess with a person’s head and emotions. You may feel dead inside, but it may be linked to how your brain has processed (or not processed) some bad events/trauma. It may help?

    I’ve been trying this route for about two months. I expect I’ll be at this for another 6 months, working through my own mistakes, pain, guilt, anger, and resentment; rebuilding my dignity; healing my psyche which is very confused right now; and dealing with the negative feelings I have toward all of the sick, pathetic people who have invaded my life.

    8. Study the life of Joseph and Job. Then study the life of Jesus. Rejected by his own people. Spit on. Mocked. What did they say about Jesus? “He’s got a demon!” “He’s illegitimate!” “He’s INSANE!”
    NO – He was the SON OF GOD…PERFECT in every way…SINLESS…yet that’s how the world treated him? That’s how the world VALUED him? They were mere pawns in the hands of the devil. The devil questioned his identity; his position; and his mission.

    That’s exactly what the devil does to each of us. And I think he’s harder on those who have a unique mission.

    Time is short, the devil (the fallen angel) is pulling out all the stops, trying to destroy us. Just say, “Jesus, help me!”

    Pray, “God, Creator, please deliver me from the devil. Show me who you are. Lift me out of this ash heap. Help me fix my eyes on you. Give me strength and courage to resist the devil and his lies. Help me replace the lies with truth. Please fill me with hope, for you are the God of all hope and comfort. In Jesus’ name, Amen.”

    Don’t give in. Don’t give up. Don’t walk away.

    1. YES! “Don’t give in. Don’t give up. Don’t walk away.”

      It’s REALLY hard work. But every single person here is worth WHATEVER it takes to get better. I know it sucks, it’s exhausting, and it feels a lot easier to give up.

      But dark days don’t last forever. And there are simple things that have made a huge difference for me. I’m sharing those in the free Refresh + Reset Mental Health Challenge to help people find real hope and an anchor for the dark days.

      1. Sister

        Yes! : )

        About 22 yrs ago, I was in despair. I thought of driving off the road. That night i went to church and an afterglow…. where people pray, worship God, and at times are used by God to encourage others through insight that only God could provide.

        That night, after worship, it was quiet. Then, one at a time, three or four people described my feelings and thoughts that day. They described it better than i could have. None of them knew me. I hadn’t shared a word with a soul. I didn’t talk to them afterward.

        It conveyed to me that God was in the car with me that day. That’s how much he loves us… how divine and everywhere present he is.

        Knowing he was there gave me courage and hope. I still battled with depression, loneliness and isolation, but I knew i was NOT alone.

        If he was there for me, a Christian whose made every mistake possible, he will be there for you, too. Ask. Get to church. Sit in back, close your eyes during worship, and let God love you.

  149. Leo

    I wouldn’t mind not waking up tomorrow. I couldn’t careless to be honest I’m done with life & I’m only 40

    1. Sister

      Leo, I know what you mean. May God give us the strength and courage to look up to Him, and out to others.

      Refixing my mindset one day this week really lifted my heart. Rather than looking to others to reach out to me, accept or validate me, I told myself, “Who can I accept or encourage?”

      I think some of us feel pain deeper, or we lack a support system? I know that’s my situation.

      We need to tell the devil to “bite it!” and fight through.

      I was so harassed by some people that it colored my view of everyone. I’m in counseling, getting emdr, and slowly seeing some changes in me.

  150. Jason T.

    I’m not going to blame any of you. I don’t know why you haven’t been healed yet of your afflictions or freed from tremendously painful circumstances or lifted up after you were brought so low. I know it has nothing to do with how devout you are or aren’t or “you’re not praying hard enough” or “you’re not trusting God enough.” The knowledge that our best days are yet to come sometimes isn’t enough or the intensity of our aches scream over the quiet whispers of the Holy Spirit. Reading through these posts & my heart breaks for everyone. Really wanted to give some encouragement, shine a light on some hope. I know Scripture talks of those who didn’t see God’s promises in their earthly lives; their rewards have not been bestowed upon them yet and that could refer to some of us or all of us. I don’t know. I know God can use pain in incredible ways so all I can think to do is pray for all of you for all of us. Merciful Father, You are our Rock, our High Tower our Infinite Creator. Forgive me for wanting to take my life back out of Your hands and the fear that often keeps me frozen in place. Lord Almighty I lift everyone on this site’s threads up to You. You know who we are. Every thought, word & deed. You know how we suffer; every pain ache and circumstance that torments us. Father God if it’s Your Will, please bring radical healing & restoration to the sick, reassemble the broken, rescue those in unbearable situations & let Your power touch every hurt in our bodies & in our lives. Gracious Lord please bring understanding to our obedience. Show us what You are doing in our pain & what You are doing with our pain Mighty God and keep us in Your tender mercies, Your amazing grace & Your perfect peace while we wait on You. Thank You for allowing me to know Your Son. Thank You for the miracles & blessings, past and present. Thank You Heavenly Father for all that You are about to do. In Jesus Christ’s most holy name…AMEN.

    1. This is a lovely prayer, Jason. Thanks for sharing your heart and some encouragement here.

  151. Sister

    Listen to this a few times. So true:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0KmlbcCtGDc
    You Say // Lauren Daigle Lyrics

  152. Margaret

    Please pray for me…..I’ve been severely depressed for 8 months.

    1. Sister

      Hi Margaret,
      I found this site a few days ago. I’ll be praying for you.

      1. Margaret

        Thank you

  153. Margaret

    Please pray for me…..I’m so depressed and I don’t want to fight anymore…..I just want to go to sleep and never wake up

    1. Jason T

      Oh Margaret. I feel your pain. You’re not alone. Not ever. You’re so loved; that’s forever. I’m lifting you up in prayer.

      1. Margaret

        Thank you

  154. KB

    To all of those wanting to “end your life”: DON’T DO IT! I am 70 years young. In my late teens and early twenties, I wanted to die. At 17,I had thoughts of driving my car off the river bridge. (I didn’t know how to swim). I would lie on my bed at night and pray to God to NOT let me wake up. Although I accepted JESUS CHRIST at the tender age of 14, I was missing something. I wanted to have a husband and a family! BTW, God is all powerful. Think of it this way: If God was the only need that Adam had, then why did He create Eve? Answer: because Adam needed her. You might look at it this way. God wasn’t enough. That man needed a woman! God is NOT opposed to us seeking help, sometimes even outside the church. I never attempted suicide. My Knight in Shining Armor found me – no more need to be depressed. We were happily married for 35 years and have a son together. GOD IS GOOD! My husband passed away (not by suicide) over 7 years ago. That awful depression came back to haunt me! My pastor and his wife almost camped on my doorstep, because they knew I had suicidal thoughts. You may not find your help in the church, but again you might! Try to find help! IT IS OUT THERE! You may have to use trial and error, but keep trying! See, I’m still alive! My husband had a son and a daughter by a previous marriage. They and their children and grandchildren are all very much apart of my life, as well as my own son, his wife, and their lovely daughter (my precious granddaughter). I also have met a very precious man that I call my boyfriend. SO, KEEP ON LIVING!

    1. Rev. J

      Very beautiful! Love it!

  155. I
    Am
    So
    Done.

    Please
    Lord.

  156. Lourdes

    Benjamin! Please! Go to the ER! God is talking to you through me. Please listen!!! I got better and so can you!!! Please go to the ER now!

  157. Diana

    Hi Sarah. I am kindly asking that you pray for me. My heart is breaking what I feel I can’t control and feel death is only way out

  158. Lourdes

    You’re in serious need of mental health treatment. You all should ask someone to read this to you because you completely misunderstood what she said. Also, no one knows of God exists that’s why it’s called faith. The rest of your rant just proves again you need treatment. I suggest you seek it out soon.

    1. Jason

      Why is this the best you can do with your summer vacation?? If you don’t have friends go outside & play. Talk to people like your parents are in the room & you’re sure to make friends offline real fast. God bless you kiddo.

  159. Jason T

    Your comments are certainly more suited for Twitter. That’s where all the incoherent rants reside. You can’t hurt any of us here. However I am glad you are here. The world is the way it is not because of believers of Jesus Christ but because of those who’ve rebelled against God which is you, me, all of us at one time or another. But God so loved the world, He sent His Beloved Son to pay the price for the product of our rebellious natures (sin) so that we may be saved from God’s wrath (justice) & be restored with Our Creator and have life eternal. You just received the Gospel. You can be mad at God (you must believe in Him you can’t be mad at nothing), you can be mad at believers who have embraced the truth but that ain’t it. Deep down many will see we’re mad & disappointed with ourselves because the world lied. The pleasures of the world didn’t fill us & the promises of the culture are fleeting. Hedonism always leads to despair. The world will prove that to you but Christ is returning. My hope & prayer is you & more people seek the truth before it’s too late. If you seek the truth, you will find Christ. God bless you.

    1. Hey Jason and Lourdes, I just wanted to let you know I removed the comment you both responded to here. I’m not a big fan of censoring people, but it’s also important to me that this community be safe and kind, and I felt that individual stepped over the line.

      It’s tough to keep up with all the comments and I’m not able to respond to everyone, so I’m grateful there are wonderful people here supporting each other. Thanks so much for being part of this community
      <3 Sarah

  160. Noel

    I want to die everyday ive been struggling for too long. Ive allowed this whatever it is to ruin my life. Im so alone and messed up in my head and now my kids have to suffer because im not strong enough to fight this. I dont want to try anymore. I honestly want to die more than anything ive ever wanted.

  161. Kenneth Delaney

    I want to die! I am a 65 year old man with chronic migraines. I wake up every morning after about 5-6 hours of sleep with anxiety and a wish to be dead. I lost my wife to cancer 7 years ago. We had 7 children together and now have 21 grandchildren and 1 great grandchild, so I am blessed! I have almost pulled the trigger 3 or 4 times in the last 10 years but I do believe what we do in this life echoes in the eternities (great line from the movie Gladiator) so why? I miss my wife, depression, anxiety and most of all unrelenting pain. I have had many miracles in my life and have had answers to prayers, I know God lives. Lately though I feel abandoned, my prayers are hardly coherent any more, said in snatches. Is God just letting me just sort it out? My day usually ends in a migraine (2 hours to sometimes 2 days) I usually can wake up pain free but then anxiety and depression have at me. I was on antidepressants for 5 years during my wife’s battle with cancer and felt robbed off my grief when she passed. They made me flat so i got off them, grieved hard and now wish to join her. I also know what it will do to my family if I do this thing…..so pain spiritual, physical and mental, can I find surcease?

    1. Scott

      Hey Kenneth – I read this and hope you are still around/able to see this. My mother and older brother have severe migraines, and I have started to have them in the last couple years. They are very hard to deal with. I use Excedrin Migraine and my mom does too – she was taking expensive prescription migraine medicine for years that were like $200 for 8 or 10 pills, so she had to use them sparingly. She said those started working in about 20 min. …where as these Exedrin migraine pills take about 25-30 min. And the difference? Excedrin pills are at the dollar store and Walmart. No prescription needed. So maybe that can help. I can’t imagine the migraines are a faith issue…we have bodies, and our bodies are of this world, and are slowly falling apart. But hopefully this can help you get some relief.

      1. Kenneth Delaney

        Thanks Scott for your reply. Excedrin doesn’t work for me. I was taking Maxalt for 10 years so I was able to keep working, but it stopped working couple of years ago so I retired about 4 years ago. I believe in God and dont want to hurt my family but just dont know how long I can take it.

  162. sinek

    I don’t agree with that: “sleep is an escape.”. Sleeping is face to face that you have real desires.

  163. tish

    Sarah, Thank you — you just helped me understand what has been going on with my husband for the past 2 and a half years that culminated on May1, 2019. My husband didn’t think he was worth anything, he thought that because he wasn’t the “provider” for our family. He started trying to control everything about everyone in our family — and panicked when our daughter moved 12 hours away to college (I had encouraged her from birth to got to the college I went to). The last few months before then, I was hearing from him what you were talking about. Feeling like he was a burden. I begged him to get help. While his faith was not as strong as mine, I knew that he needed counseling. He had gone to a dr. office and gotten anti-depressants, but was upset because they didn’t work instantly. He came off them without dr. permission about a month before we went to pick up our daughter from school. That whole time he kept on saying that I didn’t love him and I would never stick by him, the whole time I was telling him that I loved him unconditionally. What happened that day destroyed our family. I believe now that he was trying to do everything he could to prove that I would never still love him. He physically attacked our daughter — she is fine and by the grace of God only had a few stitches. After he did that — he was convinced that he had killed her — and went into the powder room and slashed both wrists. He honestly wanted to die because he didn’t believe that anyone would love him anymore — and he thought that everyone’s life would be better without him. He is in prison now, getting counseling. Even though he suffered from depression, we believe that he has to pay for his crime to our daughter. He even agreed that he needed punishment for that — and that he needed to use the time to get himself together. I have not had contact with him since that day — however this Friday I am going to attempt talking to him again. Because he needs to know that I love him still unconditionally. I don’t hold him responsible for being sick, I do hold him responsible for his actions. While his relationship with our daughter is forever changed (he and her were very close before this incident), he needs to understand that our relationship has changed, but that I still love him. Thank you for this.

  164. Benjamin Hirt

    Be strong, all of you. I went through years of this increasing depression with wanting to go home constantly, because of being a victim of spousal abuse of the narcissistic variety, not to mention malignant mom and psychopathic DID sister. The story is a true horror account of the most vicious satanic attack against not only me as a man, but as a man of faith! I will spare details.

    Glory be to God, for he does honor us when we are at our weakest, and we cling to him for life to the point you realize yourself, HE is carrying YOU already! Bravely admitting what you (and I as Ben and mj – i was and still am confused – I am going by Benji); what we all admit to, our weakness to hang on, just tell God in all your angry glory.

    He can take it! He will honor it! Just don’t quit on HIM, because HE will not quit on YOU! He kept me, brought me to the very brink that I was hospitalized for 17 days. But two days prior I was rewarded for my faithfulness to not let go and the rewards keep coming, too many to list!

    Most are small and insignificant in and of themselves, but any victory for me after at least two years of humiliating defeats is huge.

    I know God is carrying all of you along with me. I know you all are like moths flitting about looking for the comforting light. YOU can BE the light! Read his word. Watch the Gospel movies on Prime. Stay immersed in HIM! Learn who he really is, what he really means to us, His truly amazing capacity for loving us.

    I pray Lord Father please touch all these crying and broken souls, heal their hearts, mend their minds as only you can, and grant them all peace, and the ability to choose peace over the darkness in each individual valley.

    Listen to “The Valley Song” by Jars of Clay. I heard it yesterday for the first time in months, and it really hit home.

    Peace be with you,

    In Jesus Love, Peace, and his name.

  165. Someone

    I don’t know how to be truthful about this to anyone. My 2 friends I’ve told don’t seem to believe me. And when I talked to a therapist it just seemed like I couldn’t tell her. So I don’t know what to do.

    1. Someone

      And I deeply believe in Jesus. He is everything and I just wanna he with Him

  166. Scott

    Thank you for this and the link to the Quick Inventory of Depressive Symptomatology questionnaire……I had been feeling very off recently after being fired w/o cause, am waiting for unemployment to kick in, job searching, being tight on $, etc. and yeah…that questionnaire ( at mdcalc[dot] com/quick-inventory-depressive-symptomatology-qids ) told me that I apparently have ‘Severe Depression’…..and that explains the recent suicidal thoughts. I’ve never acted on suicidal thoughts before, but I have had them before….and looking back now, with the questionnaire in mind, it’s likely because I was ‘Severely Depressed’ back then as well. So what I’m trying to say is that this is NOT a faith question/issue….this is a simple textbook body chemistry/mental/stress/etc. issue. If one works on eating, sleeping, finding hobbies, exercise, etc. they can very likely reduce the symptoms and snap out of severe depression (w/o needing to see a doctor or take medicine). I just wonder now how many times [I] and others I know have been severely depressed and we weren’t even aware of it.

  167. Ann

    I imagine a lot of people may be depressed and unaware of it, because their symptoms aren’t typical or they’re not used to checking in with themselves.

    I’ve battled with this “demon” for 40 yrs. Being a HSP likely makes me more susceptible. Medication barely touched it. (I tried about 7.)

    For my depression, I feel a little better when I get enough sleep, have 1.1 time with caring friends, and when I get outside, into nature. I also think the following helps:
    D3, B6, B12, *folic acid (*it really helped, but ramped up my anxiety to an alarming level, not good for people with OCD), counseling, a small dose of thyroid, journaling, taking classes, and making future plans (like planning a trip).

    I would likely also benefit from dropping all wheat, sugar and dairy, and limiting stressful situations, like driving on the hwy.

    As bad as it may seem, losing your job, I was in a similar position and it turned out to be a blessing. I went from working with a pack of “wolves” to working with “princes”. I pray the same for you.

    1. Scott

      Thanks for your reply Ann (up late tonight I see..both of us! Ha!). I will consider what you said regarding diet and I certainly would love to reduce driving in general (when is it NOT stressful?! Sadly, most Americans like myself must commute to work via car, so that’s a necessary evil).

      And regarding my job, I’m okay with that, overall. It bothers me more the way it ended, as I’m fine with things ending, if people just don’t gel. A heads up of even a few weeks or saying “we’re laying you off on X date” would have been more helpful, for nearly 5 years of employment. The stress comes from paying bills between then and a new job, and that is what has been the weaklink.

      But yes, I’m sure losing [that] job is not a bad thing, in the grand scheme of things. Everything happens as it is supposed to, so that God can ultimately be glorified more, if we think on how He has helped us, no matter the situation.

      I appreciate the prayer and I have done the same for you.

  168. Ann

    Thank you Scott,

    Lay offs are never pretty. No-notice seems unjust, and long notices can feel like a slow torture.

    Between jobs, in CA, I was able to sign up for free computer and accounting classes. This helped extend my UI. In my case, I needed my self esteem rebuilt, and this venue helped. It kept my mind busy and put me around some healthy people and instructors.

    I did go to a local food bank. It was difficult getting there, but I knew it would help my stretch my money. I walked away with a bag of beans, rice, some ham, a few fresh items, and could have loaded up on bananas and bread, but declined.

    There was plenty of food to go around, so I didn’t feel guilty (i.e., not poor taking from the poor). Overall, there was one homeless man, and a dozen families represented. Most seemed to be in my shoes or a little less advantaged. I only needed to go once, because within a week or two, I had found a job.

    I signed up with a few temp agencies. Posted my resume on Monster.com, Indeed, and Linkedin. Even looked on craigslist for work. And crazy as it may sound, I found my job thru them. It was a blind ad.

    I had prayed for a decade to return to a former employer, because they had a good work culture. This blind ad led me back and I was eventually hired. I’m still pinching myself.

    Praying God brings in other sources of income, and a job that pays the bills and meets all of your family’s needs.

  169. Wendi

    Hi Sarah,
    Your article was refreshing and informative, especially when you spoke of feeling others would be better off without you. I completely know that feeling. But here is the thing… I’ve been saved since I was 15 and have lived for the Lord all my life. I’ve had a great life! I’ve been married to the same man now for 28 years. He’s a great supportive husband. I have two children who love Jesus…I couldn’t ask for better kids, especially this day and time. I have always lived with fear in some degree but it has gotten worse since I’ve gotten older. I am now 50 and my anxiety, worry, fear, and depression is at its peak! Now keep in mind that I would struggle with this all my life really, and it’s only by the grace of God that I’ve come this far. I taught high school for many years, I write for magazines, I homeschool, I’ve had Bible studies, and I taught classes at the local library… Somehow I managed to cope, by God’s grace. I’ve learned to just live with the torment, but here lately it’s beginning to grow bigger and stronger and I don’t know how much longer I can deal with it. Now everything I’ve said to this point is probably something that you can relate to and doesn’t surprise you as a Christian who was depressed. What may surprise you is that I don’t necessarily fit into a neat box of being depressed and keeping it to myself and not getting help. To the contrary, I tell my close friends, my Pastor, my family members, and even my children how I feel and how I can’t wait to be with Jesus. I don’t tell them to get attention… In fact I hate the attention… The looks of sorrow on their faces breaks my heart. I’m not sure why I tell them, other than I just want them to be prepared in case something happens to
    me. And here’s the thing…wait for it… I would never commit suicide no matter what!! Way too scared!! My fear of what would happen if I commit suicide is bigger than the torment that I face daily on Earth…if that makes sense? But… I also know that my body can’t take much more of the physical anxiety that I feel day in and day out. I’m 50 today but at this rate I will have a heart attack or stroke before I’m 55! And I’m completely fine with that. So maybe it’s an indirect suicide…who knows. Have I been to the doctor? Or a therapist? OF COURSE!! I’ve been going to therapists and psychiatrists and doctors and have been on little pills for at least a decade! and I’ve come to realize that what may work for some doesn’t work for everybody. Counseling with my pastor did not work. Going to a therapist faithfully did not work. Taking pills that the doctor gives me to cope did not work. In fact I feel worse today than I ever have. Am I saying that there’s no hope? Absolutely not. The key is not getting the right treatment… Although that is a necessary start. The key is just knowing who you are in Christ. What satan didn’t bargain far is that I’m very stubborn. I completely understand the scriptures about “just passing through” this world…of “fighting the good fight of faith”…”running the race before us” and “not getting weary in well-doing…we shall reap if we faint not”. Were those scriptures just there for tidbits of encouragement? NO… They were written to sustain those like us who literally can’t seem to make it on a day by day basis due severe oppression of the enemy! It really is up to us (and God in us, of course) to “fight” until the end. I wish that I could end this by saying that I went to a therapist and took a pill and I’m happy today. But I would be lying. Like I said, I’m actually worse today than ever before. But my hope is not in anything but Jesus. So therefore I know that I’ve made it this far, and God will carry me through to the end… whenever that will be. I just hope and pray that I can continue to do God’s perfect will until He takes me Home.

  170. Anonymous

    Wendi,

    I can relate to what you’ve shared regarding your depression.

    After being harassed by a number of people, I ended up with PTSD and a pretty severe anxiety disorder. If you’re searching for advice, this is what I’d recommend:
    Get off of folic acid. For me, it quadrupled my anxiety
    Get off of sugar. From my experience, it can ramp up anxiety and aggitation.
    Get off caffiene. It can create OCD symptoms or at the least make them much worse.
    Take Magensium Citrate, possibly also Mag Oxide. Both have benefits for health and anxiety.
    Try D3. It can help provide more energy, and may help improve mood.
    For sleep, try 1 Magesium capsule, and 1 Cal/Mag/Zinc capsule an hour before bedtime.
    Try getting off wheat. It may help?
    Check Dr Broda Barnes list of hypothyroid symptoms. A tiny dose of thyroid has helped with energy and mood. (I had about 12 of the 24 possible symptoms, and also was hypothyroid as a child). Take the list to your doctor, in case your blood test looks normal. (The TSH range is so wide, to some experts, it’s too wide. So many people go untreated.)

    Check online for info about Highly Sensitive Persons. It gives tips on how to take care of ourselves.

    Get outdoors. Enjoy nature. Learn to say No.

    Praying God sees you through this, to a more joyful life…. and praying the same for everyone who suffers from depression and/or anxiety.

  171. Anonymous

    Anonymous…thank you for your response. You seem to have a heart of wanting to genuinely help others. I appreciate that so much. I will definitely look into everything you recommended. I am an herbalist, so I love how God gives us natural help, so to speak….seems you have recognized this too. I do take D3 and magnesium citrate, and I find where it helps me tremendously. Yes I agree that caffeine and sugar tend to make one more anxious, but I do allow myself to have one cup of coffee in the morning. I do try to cut back on sugar as best I can, but I’m sure I need improvement. I check my blood often because I am anemic… In fact I’ve had to have several blood infusions… I often wonder if anemia and anxiety go hand-in-hand… My THS is normal, thank goodness (yes I am very aware of the wide range and it is suspect, so you are right). But I have been taking folic acid because my B is low… I would have never thought of that being linked to anxiety…so thank you for letting me know. Yes…I agree about getting outdoors…it really helps lessen my anxiety… And I do tend to sleep well for most of the time… I take melatonin, valerian root, and passion fruit every night… It really helps me to get a good night sleep without feeling groggy in the morning. Thanks again for all your advice and God bless you.

    1. Lourdes

      Don’t ever start or stop any supplement regiment without your doctor’s approval. Just because something is allegedly natural doesn’t mean it’s good for you. If you haven’t seen a psychiatrist for medication, do that as soon as possible.

    2. Anonymous

      I’ve been to hell and back (figuratively), scanned the internet for at least dozens of hours, I need to pass on what I personally have found beneficial, just it case it helps someone else.

      I stumbled upon a post by a counselor who said people he’s met with who have OCD are likely to experience more anxiety when taking folic acid. I had been taking it to help with depression. It seemed to help, but my anxiety had gone off the charts. When I stopped taking it, my anxiety dropped down to it’s “normal” level. When I now take folic acid even in a Bcomplex capsule, the anxiety an OCD symptoms increase.

      Maybe I’d have less anxiety if I traded that for the natural form – folate(?) Or eating more natural foods that include folate? Probably the latter would be the best option.

      Praying God directs you to relief.

      1. Wendi

        Anonymous,
        Yes, I will get off of the folic acid and try foods with folate instead. Thank you again for your knowledge on this…and I do believe God is using you. I will pray for you.
        Just curious…do you happen to know your blood type? I am Rh negative (O negative)…I’ve been wondering lately if bdtypes could also be linked to anxiety, although I’m not sure why that would be.

  172. Anonymous

    Lourdes,
    (Very pretty name)… Thank you for your concern… I’ve been an herbalist now for 32 years. And yes I have been to a psychiatrist and I have a primary care physician..they know what supplements I take, and in fact they are beginning to ask me for advice, if you can believe that. Nothing interferes with my prescriptions, and as long as they see me doing better physically, they tell me to keep doing what I’ve been doing. I have seen a shift in the medical profession through the years of incorporating supplements/herbs/minerals as a legitimate regimen. But yes, one should always check with a doctor to make sure there is no interference with regular prescriptions.

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