When hope hurts, here’s what you need to do

I know, it happens every year.

I see the photos in my feeds, too: rings and flowers and first looks and all the trappings of idyllic wedding days. I can’t keep track of all the #bestdayever captions, the gorgeous honeymoon photos, or the engagement announcements.

As Jessica Faith says, “It can seem like all social media is conspiring against as we see photo after photo, status after status, announcing everyone’s dreams coming true and prayers being answered but our own.”

I’ve experienced this more often than I care to admit. But I’m also aware my own posts (like when I’ve posted about my marriage) can add to another’s ache. I’m sorry. I try to be conscious of your heart when I write or post on social media. It hasn’t been long since my own heart ached with loneliness when I saw others’ joy.

When one of my best friends got engaged, I got a pint of Ben & Jerry’s to drown my sorrows (cliché, right?). Then, there was the night I came home bone-weary from a wedding where I was a bridesmaid. I’d wept with joy watching my friend say her vows; I wept with loneliness in the bathtub that night.

Maybe it’s not about weddings and loneliness for you, but the child you long to hold in your arms. You just want to be a mama, but for some reason, you’re not there yet. You’ve endured the terrible loss of a baby, or are wrestling in the dark of infertility, or you’re waiting for the adoption to come through. Regardless, it’s the pain of unfulfilled longing.

Regardless of what we’re waiting for — love, motherhood, a promotion, a book deal, reconciled relationships — waiting is tough. When the desires of our heart take their sweet time coming, it makes us feel sick in our souls.

In the in-between, we know we should cling to hope. But sometimes, hope hurts and it’s difficult to believe. Our waiting isn’t always confident, cheerful, and strong.

We’ve heard hope is an anchor for the soul, sure and steadfast. Still, an anchor can’t stop a storm. It won’t erase the ache or stop the waves. Instead, it keeps us from being driven along and dashed against the rocks.

Though hope may keep us from being driven by despair, there’s still tension. We’re suspended between believing in the desired future and accepting the here and now with all its highs and lows. So what do we do?

What to do when hope hurts

1. 1. 1. Let it hurt. It’s okay to be honest about the pain of unfulfilled dreams. We don’t need to feel guilty or beat ourselves up for hurting. Denying pain and stuffing it down doesn’t bring healing or happiness.
   1. 1. Remember good things. What seemed like it would never happen? How have good things surprised us? When I remember times that turned out well, I realize that tough times don’t last forever and that, even in the waiting, joy can surprise me.
   1. 1. Realize we aren’t alone. No matter what we hope for, someone else longs for the same thing. It’s so easy to feel like the only one with delayed hope, but maybe others are just waiting for someone to be brave speak up. Whether we find those others at work, at church, or in a Facebook group, sharing the struggle is both needed and healing.
   1. 1. Don’t let it consume us. There are times it seems all we think about is what we don’t have. The thing we’re waiting for can fill our thoughts, attention, and all our conversations. That’s the time to shift our attention to something we love about our lives right now. It could be hiking, hanging out with friends, painting, or a hundred other things. Our lives are big and beautiful now, so let’s not miss them.
   1. Look for beauty. When my heart aches with longing, I need to remember what’s good and kind and lovely in the world. Even if I only notice small things – sunlight on leaves, the quiet of the early morning, the colors of a sunset – my attention shifts to what is right and present in my life, instead of what feels wrong and missing.

Finally, cultivate joy.

Much of our lives is spent waiting; so far, mine has been. Waiting for the chance to travel, for a job I loved, for deep friendships, for wholeness, for love, for marriage, for kids…it never stops. Sometimes, it’s harder than others, like when everyone else seems to get the one thing we’re hoping for.

I’ve learned we can dig and draw from wells of joy in any season. Knowing where to find it, even in hard moments, will buoy hope like nothing else. I promise you, the effort is worth it. And it will make seasons when hope hurts that much brighter.